Last Sunday evening, during the Lifetime broadcast of Prayers for Bobby, Exodus Vice President Randy Thomas was (in his own words) wasting 96 minutes of his life watching Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading. Since then he has written about Ted Haggard, and even the weather (twice!), but not a peep about Bobby. I waited to write this because I thought for sure he would come up with something, even if only to complain or feign some sort of lament that Bobby didn’t find the right ex-gay ministry before taking his life.
Prayers for Bobby is a real story — first a book, then twelve years to make the movie happen. In so many ways it illustrateed the pain, conflict, abuse and even misguided love that make up the ex-gay equation. In a small package, it touched on just about everything, even if briefly. And it was broadcast on Lifetime, a relatively mainstream cable network. It brought the subject out for discussion even among some who are not directly involved, but certainly many of us who are did talk about it — it hit us powerfully. This alone should have been enough to bring a response.
Randy Thomas is the Executive Vice President of the largest ex-gay referral organization in the world, Exodus International — the very face of ex-gay. A lot of what he professes to believe was illustrated in the movie. If nothing else, Bobby represents the kind of person Randy claims is most important to him, that he wants to “help.” In every way Randy is connected with this movie, and he has every reason, even if only to disagree with it’s message, to comment about it, or use it to communicate to others.
The same silence came from Exodus’ official channels. There was nothing in their blog, no press release, nothing. In the past they have put out official press releases to announce an event by Focus on the Family, an ABC program on the so called “gay gene debate” and even a simple article by Randy Thomas. Yet nothing at all for a true story dealing directly with ex-gay issues and available to anyone with cable TV service.
Exodus President Alan Chambers also has a blog. He does not post nearly as often as Randy, but he does post. His last real entry was from 3 weeks ago entitled Barack Obama: Anomaly or Anti-Christ? So as we can see, he posts on things far less related to Exodus (and in this case, perhaps less related to reality). But nothing on his opinion of the movie, nothing to assure ex-gays (or those who may be thinking about the prospect) that he might be in touch with what’s going on, that he is willing to deal with the hard issues, or perhaps use this opportunity to express some genuine compassion.
So I sat here thinking, what reason would there be for Exodus to remain absolutely, completely silent about this movie? Randy seems like an exceptionally passive-aggressive individual, so it seems possible that his review of another inane bit of trivia at exactly the time when Prayers for Bobby was showing might communicate some sort of message. Clearly he had the time to write. But not to touch on this event which has so very much to do with the subject of his life’s work, how can this not be intentional? What would be the reason?
Did they perhaps think no one would notice, either the movie itself or their avoidance of it? There seems no explanation except that they wanted to make a statement by not addressing it.
What do you think? And perhaps more importantly, what do you suppose someone inclined to seek out Exodus will take from this? Did they shoot themselves in the foot?
They don’t want to bring attention to the movie by mentioning it, I suppose. The same way they refuse to admit that reality exists in general.
I’ve read some very conservative bloggers this week who were moved by the movie and asked how to respond. While I didn’t agree with any of their conclusions, I didn’t see anyone dismissing the movie.
That makes Randy’s silence all the more odd. He’s given to petulance, but there’s been nary a snark.
On another topic – do we know for sure that there have been layoffs at Exodus, including Mike E? There has been no mention of this on Mike or Randy’s blogs.
I spoke too soon. Randy responds with his typical passive/aggressive snark:
Jeeze – doesn’t he have a therapist? Isn’t he working on this kind of thing? He’s the 40something Executive VP of an international ministry, not a twinky retail clerk. (No offense to Retail Clerks, of course.)
They don’t care about suffering people.
I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true.
Look at the Love Won Out conferences. They’re not really designed for those who are “struggling with homosexuality.” They’re designed to influence all those *around* the struggling individual to create an environment in which the individual is pressured into pursuing the “ex-gay” path in order to keep the love of their family and church community. If they don’t, well… they’re making a choice against God, and both their family and church need to show them “tough love” in response. That usually translates into not acknowledging their identity as real, nor their relationships as legitimate. Nice.
Look at the GLBT people who have been attacked and murdered just in the past year. The lesbian in San Francisco who was gang-raped simply because she was lesbian. Or the death of Lawrence King, shot to death at 14. Or how about the brutal murder of Jose Sucuzhanay for simply *appearing* to be gay?
Where was Exodus–or the evangelical church, for that matter–on those events? Did anyone put out an official press release on behalf of Exodus or a Christian denomination condemning those actions? Did the evangelical church point the finger at the rapists and murderers and demand swift justice against them for harming innocent people?
No. Nothing. Just silence. Crickets.
And these are just *three* examples from the last year. There are more, but I think I’ve made my point.
Ex-gay leaders have demonstrated that they are some of the most self-centered individuals in Christendom. They would contest that description, claiming that their “ex-gay” journey is God-centered and all about being holy and pleasing to Him. But it’s actually self-centered. It’s all about the “struggle.” It’s all about THEIR struggle. It’s all about making their “struggle” central to their identity. It’s all about letting the entire world know about their struggle, repeatedly, over and over and over.
But if a GLBT person is attacked or killed, well… they probably had it coming. If they weren’t “pursuing sin,” they wouldn’t have been in the position to be harmed to begin with. So, there’s no need for a committed “ex-gay” to make an official, public statement about such tragedies.
And Prayers for Bobby dramatizes one of them, drawing a direct correlation between standard “ex-gay” theology and the harm it causes to those who are gay.
But hey… move along. There’s nothing to see here.
Denial + Manipulation + Money.
Unlike those running and attending Exodus, amazingly Ted Haggard had the sense to get secular professional counseling , so much so he ended up going to a secular university (U of Phoenix) to study counseling. THAT is a huge advocation for secular psychological counseling from one of the biggest evangs in the world, and should be highlighted intensly.
Exodus could learn from that, then comment on the movie. I think not replying now looks worse than replying verbally with misinformation and bent opinions. Nonverbally they actually have made quite a bold statement, and not to their favor.
https://randythomas.org/2009/01/30/unfriendly-bloggeristas-agenda-for-me/
What a petulant child. He has to be the smallest, most immature 40-something I’ve ever had the mispleasure to come across. Somebody asked a question, not posed a threat or put forth a demand. Who the hell does he think he is?
And his blog reads like a 16-year-old’s. I’ve kind of taken it upon myself to watch it, but sometimes it’s just sickening. My 17-year-old sister would post more mature entries.
omg[osh]! lol.. **grins sheepishly** [reaches for ‘delete reader comments who disagree’ key]
Yes, the layoffs have been confirmed. You are right, however, there was no mention of that from Exodus either. They are becoming almost cult-like in their silence.
This is classic Randy Thomas peeking through, but what about the rest of Exodus? The silence is really bizarre. Is anyone home over there?
I’m glad Exodus has avoided commenting about Prayers For Bobby considering their opportunistic and twisted criticism of another gay-themed movie,
I imagine Exodus leaders are little dumbfounded how to critique a story in which conservative Christian parents seemingly did everything ‘right’. They raised their kids to believe in the right doctrines. They sought conservative Christian counseling. The father tried to bond with the gay son. And they tried to pray the gay away. The only unappealing criticism Exodus can really make of this true story is that the Griffiths were either bad parents and/or Bobby was a bad believer.
Norm, I can see how you would not want them to comment, but I want them to comment for the reasons you DON’T want them to – that they would be forced to speak ill of the dead, or forced to call grieving parents “bad parents.” It would show their true colors.
That, and expose the fact that they don’t have any real solutions at all.
Jesus specifically warned us about these people. Christianity is the new paganism (note: I don’t mean Neo-Paganism).
I was hoping you all would notice the same thing.
Christopher, I can’t agree more.
Lifetime aired a block of MOT films, all of them about real people. real members of the LGBT.
More importantly, these stories are not anecdotal about just those individuals, but are representative of many THOUSANDS of young people with their exact same experiences.
These movies are supposed to educate the public on how serious it is, and how each incident is PREVENTABLE with education.
What Exodus and the others do is trivialize the issue by denying it’s impact, even on the lives of the individuals like Randy Thomas and Alan Chambers.
They trivialize the superhuman endurance required so that the agents (i.e. the family, church and schools) of their beliefs NEVER understand what it is they are demanding, and the costs…especially to the credibility of GAY children who have no safe haven in which to communicate THEIR feelings and needs.
The reactions from the gay community to the passage of Prop. 8 has gotten WAY too much traction. TownHall commentators are STILL talking about it as of a few days ago. Deb Saunders being the more recent to offer her two cents.
But the murders of Lawrence King and Juan Szusuchnay and the rape of the young lesbians in the Bay area don’t even register any news on conservative blogs.
These are not the results of a specific political campaign in a specific state, but are a part of something that is ongoing and shows no signs of ever changing soon, no thanks to them.
Exodus and any other ex gay advocate group, or even the Alliance Defense Fund confuse the public more than anything.
I’m not surprised that Exodus won’t answer to this movie.
The NEVER seem to feel much obligation to answer to something that doesn’t flatter them, nor to a truth they cannot refute to an audience smarter then they wish they were.
Really, what could he possibly say? It is such a said and tragic story, but it is story of someone who tried the ex-gay path.
Had I thought a bit longer I probably would have avoided that phrase — it’s a bit too candid and it detracts from the point of the post. But after reading Randy’s reaction, essentially feeling the need to assert his right to blog about whatever he wants, I can’t say it’s far off in retrospect. The only thing missing is a long, whiny “you’re not the boss of me” at the end.
The point was to illustrate how conspicuous is the silence from Exodus on this event. A major story, 12 years in the making (and before that a book), all about the ex-gay issue yet not a word from them — the silence is deafening.
Now Now people, lets cut Randy some slack.
He doesn’t have to blog about anything. And all because he blogs about sexuality usually doesn’t mean hes under any obligation to because of Prayers for Bobby.
It takes alot of emotional work to blog deep posts all the time. Maybe he didn’t want to undertake it this time. I understand that. Its no reason to attack the man.
Seems to me from this post and comments that he’s damned if he does damned if he doesn’t. Thats not really fair is it?
If we have philosophical problems with exgay ministries thats one thing, but to attack someone because they were silent when we thought they should have spoken is quiet another thing. These comments have gotten quite personal and its unnecessary and it doesn’t make out side much better than the attacks they make.
So I feel like someone needs to stand up for what is rational in this case.
In a semi-related note, Prayers for Bobby is available to watch online. I have not yet seen it since I don’t get lifetime but I look foward to watching it as many have said its quite a powerful movie.
oh please, nobody is hammering on him for not blogging about what we want him to blog about. But for somebody who blogs about everything – and i mean everything – it’s strange he wouldn’t comment. We’re asking why. But nobody here is saying he’s a worse person for it. And his “deep” posts have actually been fairly frequent, on news that’s much less pertinent.
That’s certainly one thing that he could come up with. Here are some more:
(1) Bobby gave up too soon. If he’d kept going for another year / two years / five years / ten years / twenty years or what-have-you, his orientation would have changed.
(2) Bobby didn’t really try quite hard enough.
(3) Bobby tried too hard: he tried to change by his own efforts instead of letting God do it for him.
(4) Bobby and his family may have prayed hard, but they didn’t pray in quite the right way.
Anything, anything, rather than admit that the ex-gay process is simply a con. But perhaps the ex-gay tsars need to confer among themselves before going public with an explanation. After all, it wouldn’t look good if they each came up with a different one.
While I don’t care if Randy mentions the movie or not, I do agree with EmilyK about Randy’s maturity. Exgay therapies like to suggest that gay people are underdeveloped in maturity, but what if it was the opposite–exgays tend to be more childish and unable to develop into adults fully. Think about it. They have difficulty with relationships; it is all about me, me, me (exgays are as selfish as they come); and they are obsessed about the status of exgays (even changing the name like a heterosexual with issues). Exgays often seem compulsive and obsessive with sexuality.
Pomo,
No one is attacking anyone, we are recognizing that Exodus (not just Randy) has remained silent about something which otherwise is powerfully connected to what they are all about. The phrase “deafening silence” exists for a reason — sometimes we make strong statements when we decide to remain silent about an issue or event. Randy is just one avenue, albeit normally a chatty one, Exodus has their own official blog, press releases, news section — all of which have been used for far less important announcements in the past.
The comments do get strong when Randy is discussed, mostly because a lot of readers have a great deal of experience with him. His contempt for XGW started way back when he and Mike Airhart were involved with Bridges Across. He evokes strong emotions because of the way he treats those around him. He is quick to anger, and he emphasizes his authority. This comes through in the way he has treated people online over the years though he has removed much of that from the web. Your comment is a reminder, however, that we should keep our own attitudes in check.
Prayers for Bobby gives a stark, true story of how much pain the ex-gay route can cause a person — all the way to suicide. Exodus does not like that message, even the possibility of it. I personally think they decided that it would be best to just ignore the movie than to make any statement or deal with the issues within.
I might have written this post a little differently had I waited until the next day (after some rest), but the basic message is valid. At least it won’t be deleted.
Mormon No, It’s funny that you should say that ex-gays epitomize selfishness and the attitude of “me, me, me” because Randy wrote an article about being gay that said exactly that. Except that “me me me” was embodied by his being gay.
And I know that we tend to avoid calling attention to people’s looks (less-than-classy comments have been made in the past about Randy’s weight) but I still want to say that he looks like a gay man. I can’t quite explain it. His face looks gay. I think that the chemical/biological occurrences that cause a shift in sexuality (before birth) affect physical attributes in the human body. Which is why gay men can have a certain “look.” This is purely anecdotal to me. But considering the fact that “ex-gay” is all about appearing to be “not gay,” Randy’s physical attributes already fail the test.
Not here, at least not without being challenged on it.
My point was that people made the comments and that it was admonished by the XGW writers and in some cases the larger commentariat.
I understand, but I just wanted to make that clear. Also, as I was recently reminded, no one would be aware publicly that Mike Ensley is no longer with Exodus if not for our post on it. Considering their reason was a general layoff, that’s an odd thing to keep secret.
David, on the one hand it can seem like secrecy, but on the other, even Exodus might be on the right side of etiquette in this case. Not saying anything might be their way of respecting the fact that Ensley might not want to be shouting his layoff to the world.
Another way to go about this would be to make a general announcement of Ensley and Exodus “mutually parting ways” (or some BS) – acknowledging the layoff but appearing like they have everything under control.
That’s absurd. It is the kind of thing I would expect a troll to write. Not an XGW contributor.
Well gordo, it looks like you just had your expectations blown. 8)
He got laid off because of reduced funds coming into a non-profit, public ministry. That’s not “mutually parted ways” and is almost always considered public information. Even Focus on the Family works this way, openly announcing layoffs, etc. The idea that it would remain unknown is absurd anyway, as someone, somewhere would certainly notice Ensley’s absence 😉
Better to be up-front about it in the first place, and admit that there is a need for funds. But that’s not how Exodus operates. Of course, we might know more if one of the emails I sent to both Alan and Ensley had been returned.
Re: “gay looking”
That acknowledgment removes the need for a factual reference, but even so, a statement like that begs for backup. You might want to think that theory through a bit more. I can go with the idea of effeminate actions, even traits (though certainly not universal to any group), but I’m not sure what “looks gay” would really mean beyond the stereotype. I would have to disagree with that one.
I don’t mean traits as in “walks effeminately” or “grooms regularly.” More like facial bone structure that I’ve (again, anecdotally) observed in some specific gay men. So relax if you think I’m painting “the lifestyle” with a single broad stroke. Please.
Particularly, the recent “number of older brothers” study – which theorizes that the release of hormones or “feminizing” of each subsequent male fetus by the mother affects sexual orientation – is what makes me wonder if physiological differences might also result.
But you all can argue about my validity as a writer, gay woman, and “ex-gay watcher” all you want, that’s no concern to me because it doesn’t affect my anecdotal opinion.
For the study I mentioned and more – including noted physiological differences in homosexual persons – this wikipedia article does a pretty good job amalgamating the sources.
To be fair to Emily, there have been studies about lesbians and hip shapes that seem to suggest that sexuality and physical appearance are connected. Now, it is all correlation of course, but there is some scientific evidence that suggest certain physicalities.
To illustrate the immature nature of Randy, I want to point out his movie reviews. They always seem childish in approach. While I can understand someone not liking Burn after Reading (I did like it), Randy writes, “I could have used a lot less of the f* bomb and that juvenile scene with George Clooney and his special birthday present. Sheesh … Just sayin’” The first thing he really mentions is the language issue. As a teacher of film, that is the first thing immature students refer to–bad language. The language was pretty realistic. He also makes a snarky comment about the Coen Brothers, who are some of the greatest independent filmmakers out there. He comments on the characters and their actions, but he ignores the issue of greed. When Fargo came out, the immature students were complaining that it was terrible because there was no redeeming message, but Fargo has a very straight forward idea–greed can lead us into bad actions. Because of adult subject matter, these students will say it is not reedeming, but it is simply that the message is not in the face. Why do I point this out? I notice this in all Randy’s reviews. They are simplistic, and they focus on banal stuff like language. Even sites like Christian Spotlight on the Movies will take a much more mature approach in reviews. Randy sees things in pure black and white terms. I have always contended that exgays tend to be very immature, and they cannot accept their situation, so they use silly terms like post-gay or heterosexual with issues, etc. because they are simple and require very little of them.
On the other hand, virtually calling Emily a troll is not appropriate. I disagree with her premise above as well but that happens all the time. She is an excellent writer, and she has some distinct opinions.
I’m beginning to think there is no good way to discuss Randy Thomas. Even a thread only partially devoted to him ends up… all about Randy. There appears to be too much residual hurt and anger concerning him for many of us to remain objective, including me.
Let’s just make note for the record that Exodus in it’s entirety ignored an important movie about the heartbreaking hurt that accompanies so many ex-gay lives, in much the same way they have ignored the stories from ex-gay survivors at Beyond Ex-gay. This was the point of the post, and I stand by it.
Maybe it is because Randy believes that it is better to be dead than live openly as a gay man. He sure advocates for more fates like that of Bobby.
Prayers For Bobby accurately (albeit oversimplistically) portrayed the standard operating tactics and teachings of Exodus and NARTH, which include:
— uncritical teaching of disproven claims about the origins of sexual orientation
— scapegoating of family members for a loved one’s homosexuality
— creation of division and strife in families throught the teaching of intentionally false (and hypocritical) accusations about the lifestyles and values of same-sex-attracted family members
— suppression of discussion by and about those who have been harmed by ex-gay activists
— distortion of the Bible to promote conservative evangelical smugness, gracelessness, and greed
— public airing of stereotypes, strawman arguments, and religious judgmentalism against anyone who rejects Exodus’ political correctness
There is really nothing about PFB for Exodus to discuss — at least not with honesty and integrity.