It seems there is never a dull moment in the life of Ex-Gay Survivor Peterson Toscano. He has just posted this short video to answer a question he often receives from curious friends and audience members.
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It seems there is never a dull moment in the life of Ex-Gay Survivor Peterson Toscano. He has just posted this short video to answer a question he often receives from curious friends and audience members.
Yeah, pretty funny, but anecdotal and not true of everyone. Similar stories could be told of any church, any 12-step program, where some will not “follow the rules” or will fall when tempted. I was part of a ministry in Chicago for about two years with many serious about seeking to remain celibate and overcoming sexual behaviors that they saw as problems in their life. Such programs are only going to have any chance of working in an individual’s life if he wants to be there. I also know many guys who have gone to Exodus conferences without hooking up, and also a couple who have attended the GCN conference. So in fighting stereotypes of all kinds, we shouldn’t quickly stereotype anyone who has been part of any kind of ex-gay program.
Jeff, I don’t get the sense that Peterson is saying that all ex-gays have sex together in all ex-gay programs.
Although this video has humorous elements, Peterson touches on serious issues, particularly the lack of credentials, experience and education among the many ex-gay therapists/ministers he encountered.
You write,
This seems to infer that Peterson was not serious and did not want to be in the program. If you watch his other videos and read his blog you might find that your inference is unfair and untrue. (See his video on the reasons he went ex-gay).
Looking at the stories of these people who were part of these ministries, I hear a great deal of sincerity, determination and faith.
Gotta roll with Sarah on this one Jeff. Petersen is recounting HIS particular experience and not speaking for the whole or all of ex gays or ex gay programs.
But understand what’s at issue here: these programs ARE set up by people who don’t have credentials, who use an extreme amount of fear, deprivation and ignorance with regard to homosexuality and gay people.
Few people disagree that when HETEROSEXUALS are ignorant and repressed of THEIR possibility in a intimate, creative and monogamous, it’s a HEALTHY thing.
So although heterosexuals can be utterly irresponsible and obssessed with sex and reckless with it, THEIR orientation isn’t blamed for the problems that result.
In other words, switching to heterosexuality won’t change the possibility of the same problems within a relationship…you’ll just have more opportunity for having them in the open and without at all, the same mistakes in judgment FROM heterosexuals.
The point is, understanding one another’s feelings, belonging to and with like minded people and engaging intimacy as a PART of enhancing the appreciation of sex, isn’t something that straight people CAN do with gay people.
Straight people over and over and over again demonstrate just how FAR away from caring about understanding all that gay people need and feel is at the foundation of all of this insanity.
They assume they know what they are doing, and evidence they don’t is ignored.
Celibacy is left up to straight individuals as an option FOR that individual, and it rarely if ever involves formal deprogramming and socio/political pressure to not have sex altogether.
But for gay people, there is pressure to assume celibacy as an end unto itself if no opposite sex partners are willing and most, if few are not able TO satisfy a gay person by any means, for the very reason that Petersen is talking about.
And straight people shouldn’t be engaged or pressured to either, for that matter.
Eventually, if anyone gay or straight works up the nerve to ask what they are really thinking, at least Petersen can answer it straight forwardly with intelligence and charm.
Pam Ferguson has been VERY valuable in also teaching us about her experience as the wife of a gay man, and how they struggled to fulfill what their church and social circle expected of them.
As far as I can tell, someone with similar circumstances, like say…Ted Haggard’s wife, by comparison REALLY give us an opportunity TO compare notes on the dangers, not only of denial….but engaging political power and it’s damage to people who shouldn’t EVER end up like Haggard, Petersen or our beloved Pam.
Sarah: Points well-taken. I didn’t mean to question Peterson’s own experience. But it did come across to me somewhat as if he is saying something like “keep in mind that people are having sex in these ex-gay programs,” as if to discredit them and make them out to be hypocrites.
There are some who find help in the programs, and some who decide it’s not for them. I think room has to be made for those who sincerely testify to finding help and support. In the same way, no one should be forced into it by parents or spouses.
Regan: You’ve said a lot here, and I can’t attempt to respond to everything, but I think I would enjoy the opportunity to sit and chat with you over a cup of coffee.
I desire to see the church as a whole grow in their ability to understand and love LGBT people unconditionally, and to recognize that the church has not treated LGBT people well in the past. We have much room to grow. I am looking forward to the publication in April of Andy Marin’s book “Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community”.
Same here. Andy posted for us a while back, and it was a lively discussion. I think allowing the issue of homosexuality to be a personal and debatable issue in the church, just as we do with so many other things, would go a long way to prevent further hurt and restore respect and decency all around.
I love the point that he made about having more sex in ex-gay programs then after he came out.
I would guess that this also applies to many closeted guys who were never in ex-gay programs. My personal sexual behavior improved greatly after coming out 14 years ago and was much more consistent with the way I really wanted to live my life.
If you are in the closet, there is no appropriate venue for really having a boyfriend. What would you do if your friends or family saw you with this guy? So even if your are inclined to have a boyfriend and settle down, it is hard (if not impossible depending on how close you are with family and friends) to have real relationships in the closet. Once you come out, you are so much more free to pursue real relationships, because you aren’t trying to hide what you are doing.
That is one of the reasons that I think coming out is not only healthier psychologically. I also think it is probably healthier from a sexual health point of view, because it allows you to pursue committed relationships.