Source: Peterson Toscano
In a recent post on his blog, Peterson Toscano’s A Musing, Peterson asks these important questions. As has been noted before, often those with stories of change describe a past which many of us would find frightening.
When looking at most Exodus testimonies, we hear stories of people who lived as sexually addicted, miserable, lonely, faithless, confused people (who also overindulged in drug and alcohol abuse, illegal activities and unprotected sex). They found Jesus and the church, and they changed their lives.
They became celibate, began to develop healthy relationships, changed their lifestyle–not to a straight one, but to one far less reckless and destructive than their previous life.
When people hear that “change is possible,” what change are they expecting? And for those who want it, why do they want it? For at least some, it would appear they are struggling to escape a life of dangerous addictions and excess, for which others have blamed their attraction to the same sex. But what about the others?
Sure we can choose to no longer identify as gay. We can deny ourselves relationships with LGBT people. We can even marry someone of the opposite sex and have children. This is no great miracle. Men and women have done this for centuries with and without the help of Jesus.
Why is it necessary to change? Mostly because life would be easier for many of us. Parents would treat us better. Society would gift us with privileges and affirmation. We can feel normal for a change, for a time.
It’s not difficult to see why some would seek to change that part of themselves which those around them consider wrong, sinful, and sick, is it? But in the end, how can they most be helped? There are plenty who offer to help them do the impossible, who sympathize with their dilemma and reinforce it. But what does that really do for those in need? Is there a better answer?
Is change possible? Yes, our societies and churches and families and laws can change so that people who are romantically and sexually attracted to people of the same-sex can be fully accepted and affirmed and celebrated just like heterosexuals. This change takes work and love and listening and painful realization, but well worth the effort.
Read the full post here, it’s excellent. And to those who are gay and perhaps find the idea of being so difficult to deal with, do yourself a favor and “Question Change.”
This is really great to read. People, we all, need to live in harmony with our own self – not to be defined by others. The cost of losing your soul is not worth it. In the end, it is not about what others say and do and think about you – it is what you have to do for yourself, what you have to live with. That will not always be easy or fit in with our church or family. Nonetheless, we must make our choices and decide for ourselves.
Great article.
I have put that question forth. I have found that sometimes what is normal and healthy won’t be recognized by a dominant group. There is editorializing on the realities of what is normal, and judgements made on the results of being wronged, rather than equal accomodation.
As is why would my beautifully flawless Japanese friend, want to change the fold in her eyes?
Why would a small breasted woman go through considerable health risks, expense and mental anguish, to have her breasts augmented?
And I know enough black people, that if they could have changed their skin color, thick features and hair…they would have.
They simply and in part, HAD to….but many have paid a heavy price also.
Very few people might know blacks who grew up under Jim Crow and the standards of white supremacy.
Much damage to the mental and emotional health and esteem of blacks was noted by Benjamin Clark and his wife in their famous ‘doll study’. It’s results were pivotal in the Brown vs. Brd of Ed decision.
I see many of the same symptoms in ex gays. Surely since straight people ARE treated better, have more privilege and are not confronted with their supposed sins in the street as gay people are, it ISN’T surprising that a gay person would want to be straight and take whatever means necessary to try and change.
But the cost is high and not noted and reported as much as it should be.
Very often, the rationalization is, that skin color and physical attributes are unchangable and normal and it’s the BEHAVIOR of gay people that straight people find objectionable.
That is a lie, because unless there is keyhole peeking, it doesn’t matter if the gay person is having a sex life to be fired, or abandoned by family or some other devastation occur.
And whatever things of merit can be offered in public life, are excluded for what a gay person is.
So what a gay person IS, rather than what a gay person DOES, is what matters.
What concerns me to, is that socio/politically, gays and lesbians are expected to live as, and respond to their status like children.
To not form romantic bonds, have sex or marry another gay person. To not be self determined in professional or social status and to not respond however wronged.
The straight response is to blatantly scold, with Scripture and other admonishment….but without consideration that they are addressing a fully realized adult.
There is no respect for identity or the testimony from gay persons that they know who they are and what they want.
The dominant culture still wants to be the arbiter and decider on what a gay person wants or needs.
THIS is the behavior of a parent to child, not adult to adult.
And a domineering, abusive parent at that. Who doesn’t listen or care what their perceived child thinks.
On another blog, someone said it’s Christian duty to ‘save you from you’. Or there is the other constant cliche of ‘loving the sin, but hating the sinner’.
This is only a selective rationalization. Because the fact remains that other so called sinners are not a socio/political group that is set aside by a distinct characteristic, AND they are treated like adults and the rights and responsibilities of citizenship are not suspended because of said sins.
So the principle of morality doesn’t enter the issue, but that of expedient dominance.
What is moral and right, wouldn’t cause more problems than it solves.
This I have hoped , is just logic speaking to reality.
I am astounded really, when a straight person argues with someone gay that being gay is a choice.
Whatever the gay person says is ignored.
Alleged ex gays promote this confusion of identity and normalcy.
It enables straight people, especially the hostile, to continue their practices AGAINST fairness and equality.
There was actually a black person, a newspaper editor, that supported segregation. His name was Green. He didn’t do it because he really believed that white people were superior, but he believed that there could be equal standards set for separated citizens, AND he didn’t think upsetting white people, willing to kill you for protesting, was worth it.
However, a majority of black people thought otherwise. That it was indeed worth the price to their very lives to show the nation, world and white people that there was no such thing as white supremacy or moral values and standards that blacks didn’t and wouldn’t understand.
And white people, who didn’t think themselves especially nasty, or hostile or actively segregationist, would sometimes address or speak of black people as if they were children.
Calling grown black men ‘boy’, or by their first names, regardless of the relationship.
I know that being black is different from being gay or female.
However, the patriarchal treatment of all people within these groups and the status as that of children, IS the common thread that runs through socio/political history of blacks, gays, and women…or especially those who are all or a few of these.
The ex gay industry patrionizes and exploits this treatment and status of gays and lesbians.
And especially going after gay youth, is indicative of doing so to the especially vulnerable.
In and of itself, is a tactic that subverts faith and compassion, but indicates power and control.
Asians have no need to change their eyes, nor women their breast size. And blacks are still hard pressed to live down the legacy of their sexual and moral irresponsibility….not the color of their skin.
Of course changing one’s sexuality, or identity is unnecessary. To what end is making the world full of heterosexuals and no other kinds of people?
We wouldn’t be the variety of flowers and birds in the garden we were obviously meant to be.
That straight people are the only children of God, and the rest are intruders….is an old and cruel song we’ve heard before.
The ex gay industry does not exist to ‘save’ gay people, but to denigrate their existence and make them a convenient sacrifice to heterosexual vanity.
There is little that is logical in their approach or method.
It’s an arrogated parent, trying to treat someone like a child, and responding with anger when the adult can’t or won’t respond like a child.
All the way around, this is an unnatural way to treat adults and a cruel thing to do to gay youth.
The relationship between gay and straight and this approach is what creates the dysfunction. Often the parent role ends as a child grows up.
It’s time the well intentioned regarding gay lives respect this.
What else would someone think of an adult child, so degraded in self esteem and self determination, they become crippled by that parent to never functioning properly?
And that parent continue to exploit that for all time?
The ex gay industry is only relevant in it’s own struggle for power. And their exclusive target is ONLY gay people.
If they don’t know when to cut the cord and apron strings, it’s only right that more logically and morally gifted people tell them when the abusive parental relationship is over and should never be.
Fortunately I have never had any formal religious ex-gay indoctrination. I say “formal” because I haven’t paid any support group to reconcile my sexual orientation. I glean a lot from reading here on EGW and witnessing personal accounts from my past friends/lovers. It’s been enlightening.
It is about finding peace. It’s our goal in life to be happy. Our primary drive is not just coasting along but actually feeling joy. Experiencing joy and then having it taken away is also an unending drive for peace/joy/happiness. I can decide what is hell is for me personally and it may not be hell in someone else’s world but what is paramount for me and what gets me out of bed each morning is the hope for even more joy in my future.
I work with a guy who is married, has a lovely daughter he loves, and he is living the prescribed life, in my opinion, to make the least waves and conform to the mores of my office environment (considering where I work: in Utah). Office gossip happens frequently at my office. On a few occasions at the water-cooler and/or lunches my other co-workers have expressed their opinions about this guy. They are savvy enough to know this guy is as gay as Sir Elton John. Yet, he is favored in eyes of my bosses because he conforms to the ideal they want. He acts like what our LDS bosses wants him to act and it has affected his career for the better. However, gossipers pity him and I wonder if he really is at peace…because he is just putting on an act.
At Reno last year for the finals for the gay rodeo associations: I had a happenstance chat with a fellow from the Northwest who has been through years in a formal ex-gay encounter. I listened about his experiences more out of curiosity but also to allow this fellow a chance to vent. I do wish him every success…he already has it in his business…but I wish he could come here on EGW and find the solace he needs to close that part of his life and find joy again.
Frequently I see gays dealing with unhappiness by escaping the joylessness with drugs, alcohol or shopping. No real solutions there…it’s only temporary.
So, are we just putting up with our circumstances? Deal with the cards we were dealt? Do we seek the approval of others so much so we ‘act’ and even pay for their acceptance? Or find……what?
Some of us need to focus on what makes us happy and pursue it will all the gusto we have. Damn the consequences. Ignore the natty gossip. Find the place where you feel happy and it will make positive results in your life.
And like you said hell for me is different than it is for someone else. I think we are all trying to find that place of balance with ourselves and the world. Wasn’t that Buddha’s quest??? I’m not sure but you get the idea – trying to find a happy middle ground of expectations and personal preferences. Not too much pain, not too much inebriated joy. I think it is always a constant struggle. And there’s nowhere to look but within one’s own being. It certainly is never decided by another person.