Are you a Homosexual Masochist? by Joe Kort
Since writing my book, “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives” in August, 2003 I have had the opportunity to travel across the country meeting gay men. I have to admit I was taken by surprise that my book sold so well in places like Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York.
As a Mid-western man from Detroit Michigan, I thought my book would be more helpful to gay men in more conservative areas. However when I was at the Different Light Bookstore in the heart of San Francisco, I asked the men who came to my booksigning, “Why do you think this book has done so well out here? In a community where you are living openly gay lives, holding hands on the streets, with gay life all around you on billboards, street corners and even in party stores selling gay magazines as if gay life were just mainstream – what did I say that reached you?” They surprised me by reminding me, “Joe, you have to remember, we didn’t come from here. Your book reminded us of the internalized homophobia we still carry that is unresolved from where we came from.”
Wow! That made total sense. Most of these men fled the homophobic and heterosexist places they came from for this freedom, but still had unresolved issues. My book offered them a way to finish them.
Homophobia, an unrealistic fear of gays/lesbians, affects all of us in this culture – straight and gay alike. It’s characterized by a generalized negative attitude towards homosexuals, if not outright feelings of hatred. Gays and lesbians learn to be homophobic toward each other was well and then turn it onto themselves. The very thing we grew up learning to hate is inside us. The enemy is within. We experience internalized homophobia as a result of growing up in a culture that allows/encourages discrimination against homosexuals. Internalized homophobia can cause or contribute to lowered self-esteem, intense shame, chemical dependency, and a generalized alienation from one’s true self. It truly is homosexual masochism!
Whether you are gay or straight, spend a little time answering the questionnaire below. There are no “correct” answers—just what is true for you.
This survey was developed by A.E. Moses & R. D. Hawkins, Jr. and I have further adapted it:
1. Do you stop yourself from doing or saying certain things because someone might think you’re gay? If yes, what kinds of things?
2. Do you ever intentionally do or say things so that people will think you are NOT gay? Like what?
3. Do you believe gays/lesbians can influence others to become homosexual? Do you think someone could influence you to change your sexual and affectional preference?
4. If you are a parent (straight or gay), how would you (or do you) feel about having a gay child?
5. How do you think you would feel if you discovered that one of your parents, parent figures, or siblings were gay or lesbian?
6. Are there any jobs, positions or professions that you think lesbians/gays should be barred from holding or entering? If yes, which ones and why?
7. If someone you care about were to say to you, “I think I’m gay,” would you suggest that person see a therapist?
8. Have you ever been to a gay/lesbian bar, social club, party or march? If not, why?
9. Would you wear a button that says, “How dare you assume I’m Heterosexual”?
10. Can you think of three positive aspects of being gay? Three negative things?
11. Have you ever laughed at a “queer” joke?
12. Do you think it is wrong to live in a “gay ghetto”? If so why? What about Jewish individuals who prefer to live in Jewish neighborhoods, or Arab-Americans who prefer to live in primarily Arabic neighborhoods, etc. Do you have the same reaction to them?
Wow!! I am digesting it right now. You are so right.
That’s an interesting quiz.
When I was younger, into my 20’s, my esteem was borderline suicidal. I lived in the bible belt. When I met my current partner 18 years ago, that was the first step towards me finding my self worth. Moving to California was a big step as well, I was able to move out here ‘out’ because I didn’t know anybody. I don’t know if I could have done it otherwise. I don’t know what the atmosphere is like now ‘back home’, but I would like to think it is somewhat more tolerant now. When we had a child together (surrogacy), my esteem grew by so much, I might almost be considered to have ‘pride’ to a fault. I couldn’t look down on myself, it would reflect on our family, and I couldn’t allow that.
In regards to the quizzes questions 1 and 2, my answer would be no, because I am completely out, BUT I do refrain from saying ‘gay’ things in certain environments, not to hide but because I know it makes people uncomfortable and I respect that for them. I don’t know what that means in terms of my self-esteem, I would be curious to know. I mean I refrain from humorous innuendo that is much more acceptable around my community.
I’m 40. I see a distinct difference in ideologies between gay men my age and younger gay men. Those who have grown up with gay/straight alliances in school, Will and Grace, etc. on tv, more societal acceptance of gays, etc. these kids seem to have no sense of community, no knowledge of our history, no comprehension of the long term effects of the stigma that second class citizenship places upon us.
Gay youth tells me that they believe marriage is for the ‘priviledged’, and that we should settle for civil unions. They tell me that Falwell and Robertson need protection from horrid gay activists. They tell me my pride makes me unfit to be a parent. They tell me that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was due to Congress and voters, NOT any ruling from activist judges. There is no knowledge of Brown vs. Board of education, etc.
This disconnect between young and old saddens me to no end. It keeps our community from becoming more powerful, and I think it is a large aspect of internalized homophobia (“I’m not like that old geezer, that’s not me”). I think a lot of gay youth turn to the ex-gay movement because they have no tolerance for us middle aged folks. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told “I owe Stonewall activists nothing, their time has passed, we have a new way of fighting now”. It is heartbreaking.
Thanks for listening.
Steve said:
“Gay youth tells me that they believe marriage is for the ‘priviledged’, and that we should settle for civil unions. They tell me that Falwell and Robertson need protection from horrid gay activists. They tell me my pride makes me unfit to be a parent. They tell me that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was due to Congress and voters”
Steve – what gay youth are you talking about? Who says this stuff?
Yeah, I was kind of thinking along the lines of Brett. I’m pretty young, and I haven’t met anyone that says that kind of stuff. I’m sure some people do, but I doubt it is the majority.
Steve, I think it’s worth keeping in mind that the idiots are always the loudest in any crowd. I’m 24, and as a Kansas native I’m acutely aware of Brown vs. BOE (and the cruel irony of Kansas going from one of the most radically liberal, anti-slavery, pro-feminism states in the mid-1800’s to a conservative stronghold with a BOE that upheld segregation until the Supreme Court held a gun to their heads, in one of the most quintessential “liberal activist judges” rulings in US legal history).
Most of those comments come from the PlanetOut message boards. There’s quite a few of them at datalounge.com too.
While those who ‘say those kinds of stuff’ might not be in the majority, it does seem to me that the majority of gay youth do not feel a connection to the community beyond ‘white parties’ and stuff. I want nothing more than to be wrong but it doesn’t seem that way.
PlanetOut? Well, that explains a lot. Remember that sub-communities are self-selecting and easily form cliques in Real Life, and the Internet just magnifies the effect. As a guess, I’d imagine that you’d encounter the opposite on The Advocate’s forums, since The Advocate is a lot more politics-oriented than Out.
I lay on Byron Bay beach(Australia),and asked an Aussie mate to kiss me.But I am strictly heterosexual.My girlfriend does not know,so does it really matter?I am an engineer and a radical political conservative.
Well Christian, yes it does matter. Your girlfriend deserves to know the truth about her relationship with you, that its not exclusive on your part. I for one think very little of your withholding this important information from her.
Do the right thing and either tell her so she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to still be with you, or break off any other activity you have with your mate.