For about two years, Ben, a early-20’s guy struggling to reconcile his sexual orientation and his religious faith, blogged on a site called Scattered Words. (Vital Voice interview here)
I have not always been generous in my attitude towards Ben and originally I suspected him of being a fake identity. But over time I came to see a young man genuinely anguished in his efforts to become the man he wanted to be. For the past six months or so it seems to me that he has been growing discouraged at the disconnect between his religious identification and his emotional attraction to guys (one in particular). Writing about his feelings appeared to be painful and disheartening.
Ben’s posting has been increasingly infrequent – his last was on July 24th – and now his website is no longer active. Perhaps Ben will reinstate his blog. But we may also have heard the last of his thoughts and dreams in his quest to live a life consistent with the teachings of his religion.
If we do not hear again from Ben, I wish him well. We cannot know whether he will eventually become accepting of his orientation or if he will continue to pursue his ex-gay efforts. But in either case, I hope he finds a way to reconcile his life and his faith in a way that is rewarding and fills him with peace.
This reminds me of a line that Peterson Toscano says in his great one-man show (that I highly recommend to anyone who hasn’t seen “Homo No Mo”):
“I realized that maybe I wasn’t a Christian struggling with homosexuality, but rather… a homosexual struggling with Christianity.”
While I never thought of things that way when I came to my place of peace between my faith and sexuality, the truth of that statement really hit me hard when I first heard it. There are many strains of Christianity–including those with a strong evangelical bent–that will welcome him as who he is. Let’s hope he finds such a home.
I always found him rather caustic and angst ridden. I guess I could have been more sympathetic if he had been just a tad nicer. Anyway, good luck.
This is Ben.
I’m fully aware of the irony that my last words to the world are about to appear on a Web site that at best, treated me with caution and at worse, with complete disdain and hatred, but right now, this stands as the best place to sign-off.
After all, over the passed years, the feelings of — we’ll say “dislike” — have usually been mutual.
The post above is acurate. My writing at Scattered Words became less and less frequent over the last year. I simply outgrew the obsessive need to make myself fit into preconceived labels shoved at me from both, the gay and ex-gay, sides. I simply forgot to pay the Web hosting fee last month, and by the time I realized it, I knew that I had moved on.
In the course of this journey, I became happy and accepting of who I was, who I am, and better still — I became aware of who I’m not. I became aware of the questions in my life, of the uncertainties — and I became okay with them all.
The most important lesson for me is that regardless of what sex I’m attracted to, it hardly defines me. It makes me no less of a person, and certainly no less of a Christian.
I’ve also learned that the issues of desire, of sexuality and of faith are not as black and white as we all want them to be. We’re caught in the gray areas and the sooner we learn to live with that and learn to make decisions in the midst of uncertainty, the better we’ll be. We may never know if our choices were are correct ones, but we can’t fear going against the grain because of it. We certainly can’t fear making decisions.
I feel pain for all of those who latched onto my words and have suddenly found them to be gone. But Scattered Words did exactly what I said it was there to do, what I set out to do at the beginning — and that was to gain perspective on myself. Though I’m happy that so many have been touched and I empathize in return with those who identified with what I was writing, I can’t play the role of counselor. I never intended to. I wish you all the best. In the end, you’ll be okay.
God is the core and center of my life. Always was and always will be. I won’t resist the change God works in me, but I won’t try force it either. Time is just too short for that.
To all of you over the years who read loyally and prayed faithfully, I have to say thank you. Your words and support were a rock for me and I’m sure for others. A few of you rose above and beyond the call of duty and though I’ve never met you, you hold a special — very special place in my heart. I won’t forget you.
It’s time for me, though, to move on. It’s time for me to say goodbye.
I leave you with my favorite quote:
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
Hi Ben – It’s good to hear from you, and I trust you will receive the good wishes of those who read your post here. I also trust it’s just the end of this part of your journey, not your ‘last words to the world.’ 🙂 I commented a few times on your blog and stopped after I felt my respectful efforts didn’t deserve the sarcasm I received in return. I imagine during your time in the blogosphere you’ve felt the same kind of treatment from others. If you’ve experienced hatred at Ex Gay Watch, that is truly unfortunate. More than anything I wish people could just listen to and respect one another rather than defend positions. I wish you well on the next stage of your journey, Ben.
Ben said,
God is the core and center of my life. Always was and always will be. I won’t resist the change God works in me, but I won’t try force it either. Time is just too short for that.
I’m proud of you, Ben. Be true to yourself and to God and enjoy your life.
Ben,
I hope you’ll read this. Probably not since I’m almost a month late in responding. I’ve been a bit busy. 😉
I love you! That’s all. Oh, and you sound great. Email me sometime.
pam
Ben’s “journey” was annoying and circular. I am surprised it took two years for Ben to grow up in a time that should have amounted to two months at most.
that should have amounted to two months at most.
I didn’t realize there was a time standard for such things. Please, tell us where we can find this reference and determine if we measure up. I was under the impression that it was important that one make the journey, not how long it takes to get there.