A couple of generations have passed since Stonewall, and more and more people are acting upon Harvey Milk’s declaration that the closet is the biggest enemy to the queer community. This not only includes those who are gay and lesbian, but those who are children of gay and lesbian couples.
A recent article interviews several of these children, now adults, and how their family structure affected their childhood and well-being.
Opponents claim that raising a child in a home lacking in a parent of either gender will cause the child to become psychologically damaged, experiment more with their sexuality, and grow up “missing” the parent of the gender not present in their lives. They even go so far as claiming that gays and lesbians who adopt children are engaging in a selfish act; treating their child as a “trophy.” The members of the LGBTQ community have long spoken out against such claims, and indeed no mainstream medical organization in America can point to definitive proof that such negative consequences occur with same-sex parenting. But it isn’t just members of the gay community that are fed up with such questions: the children themselves are tired of it.
While many grew up hiding the families they dearly loved from bullies at school, they are now writing memoirs and speaking out about their experiences. It turns out that the children of gay parents are as varied as the children of straight parents. Jesse Levey, a heterosexual republican who believes in “family values,” is fighting for his lesbian moms’ right to marry. Growing up he did not feel sexually confused; nor did he miss having a dad in his life. He was never lacking in male role models, and his mothers were able to provide all the typically “male” activities their son loved, such as hiking or having a catch.
As acceptance grows for gay couples and more and more people personally know someone who is gay, so too is acceptance growing for the children of those couples. Waning are the stereotypes of the damaged, confused child of gays.
Some children of same-sex couples say their upbringing actually makes them psychologically stronger.Abigail Garner, author of “Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It is,” calls her upbringing a “fabulous gift.” She is the daughter of two gay dads and a straight mom.
She says her interviews with other children of gay or lesbian parents showed that those who shared her upbringing tend to be more empathetic and unafraid to take unpopular stands.
In fact, the ones making children sexually confused are those seeking to spread misinformation and stereotypes about gays:
Some of the same children, though, face more difficulties dealing with questions about their sexual orientation. Garner, 37, who identifies as heterosexual, says some repress their sexuality because they don’t want to give ammunition to their parents’ critics.“I know story after story of children who started to question their sexuality but stayed quiet about it out of fear that the truth would reflect poorly on their parents,” Garner says.
So those seeking to “protect the children” are in fact harming them with their rhetoric. Such children bare the brunt of sexual confusion because they are trying to protect the parents they deeply care for.
The only negative voice in the article is that of Dale O’Leary, a Catholic who believes children can only be raised healthfully in a one-man-one-woman marriage. Not surprisingly, she admits that she does not personally know any same-sex couples or their children. O’Leary spouts off the same tired stereotypes about the children of gay couples, but tides are turning for the side of the LGBTQ community.
…according to COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere). At least 10 million people have one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender parent.
And more and more people are getting to know those couples and children.
One only has to reach out the the gay parents in the PTA, the children’s sports groups, church, parks and anywhere any OTHER parents get to know each other through their children.
If a child know another with two moms or dads, what do their parents do? Make that home radioactive to themselves AND their child, sending the message that such a family isn’t to be seen or known or (gasp!) actually liked!
I know so many gay and lesbians parents and I still scratch my head at the critics and think ‘do they even KNOW any gay parents?’
The critics would rather talk about the issue without any actual experience.
One young woman (just ONE), keeps getting pulled out as the spokesface of gay parents.
She wrote a book about how her father exposed her to her father’s sexual activity and many lovers and so on.
Now, I usually have to qualify someone who is a COMMERCIALLY anti gay parent.
1. Is their any corroboration regarding her father’s behavior?
2. Has she ever heard of OTHER gay parents who never and wouldn’t do such a thing to their children. And has she heard of all the heterosexual parents who are just as bad as her father is supposed to have been?
3. So if blatant sexually explicit behavior isn’t EXCLUSIVE to either gay or straight parents, shouldn’t hetero parents ALSO be banned from having children without careful government scrutiny and qualifications?
Of course we all know that what we think is casual affection to us, is explicit sexuality to a homophobe.
Therefore, even if this particular woman’s experience is true, she makes it very difficult to believe. But most of all, she shouldn’t be the measure by which all gay parents or potential ones should be judged.
OMG, my spelling and grammar sucks!
I see lots of documentaries at OutFest about gay headed families. It’s very difficult not to watch “All Aboard-The R Cruise” produced by Rosie and Kellie O’Donnell about the first ever family cruise for gay parents.
I recommend it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. It was released in 2004.
I could watch it over and over again and I couldn’t get over how sweet and beautiful and diverse all the kids were.
In my own experience, most of my friends have children who don’t match them ethnically. These are homes that don’t have gender expectations but let the kids be individual in their expression. Some of the kids have developmental issues or HIV or disabilities and the other kids are raised to be patient and support their siblings who have these issues.
Let me say in short, these are homes without sexism, racism, homophobia, phobias about disabilities. I know a future without those things should be a happy one.
I remember saying so to a very anti gay devout woman and know what she said ?: “It’s SO immoral for children to grow up like that!”
Of course a world without stupid would be good too.
My best friend and my wife’s best friend are both bisexual and same-sex-married. (Not to each other.) L’Ailee’s best friend is divorced from his daughter’s mother. We’ve been seeing a lot of the daughter lately because her mother’s been dating and generously allows the girl’s father and stepfather to “babysit”; also, they renegotiated their custody agreement. The girl is 8 years old.
Last month, I had to post this blog entry. The girl loves hockey, both playing and watching; she is also crazy about NASCAR. You’d think she grew up around me and my friends. She dreams of being the first woman to win the Stanley Cup. Her homophobic maternal grandmother really disapproves of all these things, as we found out. Her stepfather advised her to tell the grandmother about her ardent crushes on certain male athletes, and the girl picked up on the reason rather quickly–“Because that means I’m not gay, too.” Our hearts pretty much broke in a thousand places that night.
This child was conceived by a bisexual man in love with–married to–a straight woman. There was no adoption, no “trophy” of any kind. (And I get really upset, too, when people who claim to be pro-life condemn adoption by any loving, responsible adult.) She can quickly and clearly tell the story to a teacher or any other interested adult: “My Ma and Da used to love each other, but they fought a lot. They had to get a divorce because they drove each other crazy. Da moved in with [name redacted], who was one of his best friends. They fell in love. They got married, and now [name redacted]’s my stepdad. I live with Ma during the week and Da and my stepdad on weekends.”
This little girl knows what’s going on, but it’s amazing how adults are willfully ignorant about it. They’ll try to dismiss her dad’s bisexuality (“But Da likes ladies and he used to love my Ma”), or they’ll tell her how sorry they feel for her. One parent has even decided that a friend could no longer hang out with her anymore, and this is in New York City!
I am so grateful for organizations like COLAGE and advocates like Abigail Garner, and I don’t even (won’t even) have any children of my own. My brother and I spent most of our childhoods being raised by a widowed mother. So we were often written off by “good”, “pro-family” Christians as being tragedies in the making, too. We wanted to make the people who expressed misplaced “concern” for us see reality so badly. We wanted them to see *us*. Now I want them to see a little girl who loves cats and wears green to support the Iranian protestors and makes a child in her bowling league cry by telling him that “if you aren’t here to win, you’re just taking up space.” She’s a lot of things, but not a tragedy or a trophy or a monument to her fathers’ selfishness. I see that as a bi woman. So why are our enemies allowed to wear the “pro-family” mantle again?
Great article, Emily.
I found a couple parents who are upset about having a lesbian or gay parent while in a heterosexual marriage (eg, Dawn Stefanowicz and Jakii Edwards). But I have not found any upset children raised in a lesbian or gay marriage. This is good evidence that the best thing for children is for lesbians and gays to marry according to their sexual orientation.
I have Abigail Garner’s book, which is excellent, and I’ve looked at her website a few times too.