From Patrick Yaeger of Queer Visions:
Many in the gay community still equate sexual promiscuity with gay liberation in general. Irresponsible nonsense.
Within the gay community, sexual addiction runs rampant. The reasons are obvious given the history of our treatment and ostracization by society. Nevertheless, now that we are gaining inclusion and being welcomed as equals, we need to face it as the chronic serious problem that it is.
While antigay activists con exgays into believing same-sex attraction and addiction are synonymous, some advocates for equality are constructively educating people about compulsion and offering them the practical means to change.
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous offers a 20-question test, 14 characteristics of compulsion, and steps toward recovery.
Let me get in on the “come up with a disorder name and charge people for a cure” racket.
I have some doubts that the 12 step model that has worked for a sizable, although not all, alcoholics and drug addicts who try it, will work for something as complex as “sexual compulsion”. I even doubt that there is a unitary thing such as “sexual compulsion”. On the other hand let SCA try to achieve its goals, it is a kind of social experiment.
But to the previous poster, 12 step programs do not charge any money. So no one is being “charged for a cure.”
Okay, let’s call it a “donation” for a cure. Either way it’s a crock! I love gay males sexuality. I love the fact that it flourishes in spite of AIDS and attempts to crush it by calling it an “addition” or “compulsion” by the envious.
When I was going through the coming out process, I wished for a boyfriend in a big way. I looked high and low to find a mate which meant cruising bars, parks etc, there was apparently no other way to meet men, so I thought. At that point, I had a poor understanding of the world of cruising and one night stands and confused the night of hot sex with the start of a something good. I had to get the door slammed in my face and the phone hung up or listen to some pretty lame excuses before I woke up and saw it for what it was, pure sexual freedom and enjoyment. At that point, I decided to sow my wild oats and had lots and lots of sex but made only 1 or 2 casual friends out of it. I then convinced myself I was a sex and love addict and began to attend 12 step meetings and felt a lot of pressure to introduce myself as “I’m Tim and I’m a sex and love addict”. That was totally uncomfortable because I didn’t truly believe it for one thing and then religion came into it which made it even more out of my element, so I slid away from it and actually dated a guy from the group for a while. I do not think the 12 step program should be used for sexuality issues. I also don’t think sexual promiscuity is unique to the gay community though, as I know many, many straights who are on the prowl 24/7. It all really comes down to deciding how much sex is too much and is it controlling other aspects of life and getting the way of relationships, friends and work, then it’s an issue that must be dealt with. Being sexually active or even promiscuious to a reasonable degree, is also not necessarily a bad thing.
I find it ironic that I am defending a program that I have some doubts about. Basically I am willing to give people some credit for understanding their own emotions and if they say they are “sexually compulsive” then, without strong counter evidence (which may come forward) I am willing to accept their statement. I certainly would not see them as “envious” without any evidence to support that claim. I would ask Pushpak to ask himself why he needs to denigrate so strongly others’ understandings of themselves and to attribute motives to them without speaking to them first. It may turn out in the long run that SCA is a a crock but as I said it is probably too early to tell, it is a social experiment.
I certainly would not view asking people to put a dollar or two in basket, or put nothing at all if they have no money, to be a way of making money. I also note that you change “charging” to “donating” without skipping a beat. They are very different things.
I looked at the site and it specifies that same sex behavior is appropriate, it is not anti-gay sex per se, and it allows each member to define for themself what he/she wants to stop doing sexually. Seems pretty liberal to me, and seems more like a combination of harm reduction and 12 step then pure 12 step. At any rate I say let them try, as long as they are not overly anti-gay, what harm does it do.
The responses to this SCA posting are pretty telling. This “experiment” is not just a gay issue it is a straight issue as well. As a matter of fact sexual addiction is mostly a straight issue for the pure fact that straights are in the majority.
If you want to read up on the issue of sexual addiction and feel that your sexual behavior is “out of control” and causing your life to become unmanageable then take a look at Dr. Patrick Carnes books like “Don’t Call It Love” and “Out of the Shadows”. These are excellent books. Another book I would suggest is 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort. Joe Kort was mentored by Dr. Carnes and overcoming sexual addiction is one of the issues that Joe Kort discusses in his book.
There is a major difference between being sexually responsible and being sexually repressed by religion or society. If a persona cannot stop acting out sexually (puting their lives or others in danger) that is addiction and is irresponsible. I know a man who used to cruise the parks almost every night and even resorted to leaving his 2 month old baby alone locked in his car while he went out to cruise. That’s pure addiction. Whether it’s liquor, drugs, compulsive eating or whatever mode, it is addiction if your life is unmanageable. This compulsive behavior has nothing to do with being gay or straight. How can anyone have any self respect if what they are doing keeps them from taking responsibility for their feelings, bills, work (because they were up cruising all night), friendships, spouses/partners, health and other responsibilities? How can anyone move forward and grow if he or she is stuck in this quagmire? Sexual addiction has nothing to do with whether you have a high sex drive or not. Addiction is about sex, drugs, food, or whatever ruling your life as opposed to you being in charge and responsible.
I think that people get stuck in the muck of paralysis of analysis and don’t use much common sense in this area.
Do we want to be respected? Do we want to be seen as a healthy and vibrant community? Do we want to be seen as spiritual? Do we want at least most of the Christian right to leave us alone and (better yet) to respect us and accept us? Then we need to keep moving forward and realize that we are no different than anyone else as far as responsibility, spirituality, etc. in society and individually are concerned. We are not exempt (treated as extra special by society by virtue of our being GLBT) from the same responsibilities as our straight brothers and sisters have.
I do believe that being Gay or Lesbian is a gift from God. I believe that gift carries with it some great responsibilities. It is in our nature to be loving, kind, understanding and so many other amazing things, even angelic things. Why not cultivate these gifts and strengthen them? If we do this as a community how can the ex-gay ministries and the Christian right have a leg to stand on in their arguments that we are “irresponsible, selfish, hedonistic, wreckless and a threat to society”? Also many gay and lesbian Christians won’t feel the ambiguous feeling (vascillating between communities) that being gay is all about sex. Our community is so much more that that obviously.
I had a counselor who once told me that any kind of addiction robs you of the diversity of your being. Addiction is a very spiritual thing as well as physical.
I’m extremely proud of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous which is a deeply gay affirming organization. I pray for SCA’s continued success and strength because I believe that our community needs this organization and that need is essential for their support is nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who openly admits he or she has a need for SCA or AA or any 12 step organization is to be honored and supported not ridiculed or questioned.
If we as GLBT people wish to be in a monogamous committed relationship and also raise children whom we have adopted, etc., then we need to realize that addictions (of any kind) can only harm that relationship. That harm includes the potential for successfully raising children in a stable, healthy household.
Benjamin,
Beautifully said
I’ll grant that the behaviors you (Benjamin) describe are dysfunction, even unhealthy. And I guess they are “compulsive” since they appear to be done over and over again and the person doing them reports diminished control.
I just wonder if a 12 step program is the best or only means of dealing with this. Such programs don’t even work with all chemically addicted people and that seems less complicated than something like sexuality. Some sort of therapy, and one that does not focus on “powerlessness” or going to groups of other “compulsives” might work better.
I think this is all a very new area of research and therapy and these programs are probably less than 20 years old, which is not very long actually.
This is a very uncertain world.
I personally beleive that this is one of the most fertile times there has ever been in terms of human evolution. our tehnologial, scientific, spiritual, socialogial, ecological and personal unederstaning/advanements seem to be reaching a critical mass.
If we stand alone as iniviuals, groups, sects, factions or organisations We will almost certainly miss out on the diversity that this world has to offer and the bennefit’s a global ommunity has to offer.
It seems that to unify we must first work upon ourselves Find our own seurity, our own stability. We then we have something expansive and onstrutive to offer to the group.
It seems that to maximise our potential as indiviuals we must find ourselves.
This is one of the most diffiult tasks that anyone may unertake.
It seems we try to change the world externally with such focus and passion that many of us burn out. I have found I passionately try to solve the problems/issues in the eternal world that are really the problems/issues that i need to resolve myself. I projet my own shadow onto the world and try to fix it by fixing the whole world (exhaustion/ burn out).
I beleive that to move forward we must work together. We must first take responsibility for our own actions/lives. We must first have the courage to accept and work upon all that we are.(warts and all) I am a gay man with an aditive perrsonality, sexual aiction being one that I am working with. I have many pro’s and cons I have a mother a father friends, I am part of many communities. But above that I am a member of the human race with limitless potental. I am a contributer to all the diversity that this planet has to offer. I am an embassador for all that exists right here right now. I know that to fulfil this role to my full potental I must know myself as fully as can be aheive!
Carl Joung,s Individuation ( to become internally is to become in all forms)
If we truly examine ourselves we can see the cyles in our lives that hinder or help us in our relationship’s with our selves , friendships,our relationships with family, the direct community around us, regional community, global community.
personally I have many issues and although it is the hardest thing I have ever done, each step I take to unerstand myself free’s me from the soft sqidgey bullshit I tell myself. Each step free’s me from the cleverly hidden truth,s and denial that keeps me from total liberation.
In knowing ourselves we can find our own true security. in personal responsibility we take the first steps toward a unified diverse society where the potential for growth is limitless.
David middlemiss