If James Dobson ruled the ex-gay movement with an iron fist, and if the opening scene of The Devil Wears Prada were to peek inside a political empire instead of a fashion magazine, then what might Dobson’s morning arrival at Focus on the Family look like?

The Devil Wears Prada[Elevator doors open onto the executive floor. James Dobson dons his glasses, steps from the elevator, and barks orders at his female personal assistant, who takes notes.]

Tell Alan I’m not going to approve that young man that he sent me for the youth layout. I asked for sexy, serious, and ripped; he sent me chaste, smiling and bleached. And RSVP yes to Peter LaBarbera’s party, I want the driver to drop me off at 9:30 and pick me up at 9:45, sharp.

[Dobson rounds a corner of the corridor to his office, his assistant stumbling behind in high heels and a long skirt.]

Then call Warren at Grove City and tell him no, for the 40th time, no, I don’t want “sexual identity guidelines,” I want “the road to godly masculinity through baseball.” Then call Newt’s ex-wife and remind her to stay out of the limelight. Then call Newt’s ex-ex-wife. Ask her to please be “out of the country” before Thompson’s next gig with that show that Russert hosts.

[Passing through his office foyer, Dobson tosses his jacket on an assistant’s desk.]

Also, tell Nicolosi I saw all the videos that he sent for that panel presentation on divorced ex-gays and their new girlfriends, and they’re all so deeply unconvincing. Is it impossible to find a virile, amorous, eligible ex-gay divorcee? Am I reaching for the stars here? Not really.

[Dobson enters his inner office.]

Also I need to see all the things that Randy has pulled for Michael Glatze’s second try at Love Won Out. I wonder if he’s lost that ’70s moustache yet.

[Dobson sees a fawning female visitor, Estella.]

Who is that?

Hat tip: Miranda Priestly

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