The Colorado Springs Gazette reprinted the full text of Rev. Ted Haggard’s letter of apology to the church that dismissed him on allegations of improper behavior with a male escort.
Here is the full text. Pay close attention to the boldface text — emphasis is XGW’s.
To my New Life Church family:
I am so sorry. I am sorry for the disappointment, the betrayal, and the hurt. I am sorry for the horrible example I have set for you.
I have an overwhelming, all-consuming sadness in my heart for the pain that you and I and my family have experienced over the past few days. I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment to all of you.
I asked that this note be read to you this morning so I could clarify my heart’s condition to you. The last four days have been so difficult for me, my family and all of you, and I have further confused the situation with some of the things I’ve said during interviews with reporters who would catch me coming or going from my home. But I alone am responsible for the confusion caused by my inconsistent statements. The fact is, I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem.
I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I’ve been warring against it all of my adult life.
For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom. Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach.
Through the years, I’ve sought assistance in a variety of ways, with none of them proving to be effective in me. Then, because of pride, I began deceiving those I love the most because I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint them.
The public person I was wasn’t a lie; it was just incomplete. When I stopped communicating about my problems, the darkness increased and finally dominated me. As a result, I did things that were contrary to everything I believe.
The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry. Our church’s overseers have required me to submit to the oversight of Dr. James Dobson, Pastor Jack Hayford and Pastor Tommy Barnett. Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage and my family.
I created this entire situation. The things that I did opened the door for additional allegations. But I am responsible; I alone need to be disciplined and corrected. An example must be set.
It is important that you know how much I love and appreciate my wife, Gayle. What I did should never reflect in a negative way on her relationship with me. She has been and continues to be incredible. The problem is not with her, my children or any of you. It was created 100 percent by me.
I have been permanently removed from the office of senior pastor of New Life Church. Until a new senior pastor is chosen, our associate senior pastor, Ross Parsley, will assume all of the responsibilities of the office. On the day he accepted this new role, he and his wife, Aimee, had a new baby boy. A new life in the midst of this circumstance — I consider the confluence of events to be prophetic. Please commit to join with Pastor Ross and the others in church leadership to make their service to you easy and without burden. They are fine leaders. You are blessed.
I appreciate your loving and forgiving nature, and I humbly ask you to do a few things.
1. Please stay faithful to God through service and giving.
2. Please forgive me. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I caused this and I have no excuse. I am a sinner. I have fallen. I desperately need to be forgiven and healed.
3. Please forgive my accuser. He is revealing the deception and sensuality that was in my life. Those sins, and others, need to be dealt with harshly. So forgive him and, actually, thank God for him. I am trusting that his action will make me, my wife and family, and ultimately all of you, stronger. He didn’t violate you; I did.
4.) Please stay faithful to each other. Perform your functions well. Encourage each other and rejoice in God’s faithfulness. Our church body is a beautiful body, and like every family, our strength is tested and proven in the midst of adversity. Because of the negative publicity I’ve created with my foolishness, we can now demonstrate to the world how our sick and wounded can be healed, and how even disappointed and betrayed church bodies can prosper and rejoice.
Gayle and I need to be gone for a while. We will never return to a leadership role at New Life Church. In our hearts, we will always be members of this body. We love you as our family. I know this situation will put you to the test. I’m sorry I’ve created the test, but please rise to this challenge and demonstrate the incredible grace that is available to all of us.
–Ted Haggard
Discretion, denial and perhaps election-year politics appear to prevent Haggard from naming the specific sexual problem — homosexual attraction? homosexual behavior? bisexual attraction or behavior? adultery?
Likewise, he does not name the types of assistance that he has received. But given the circumstances, some form of assistance from ex-gay counselors or ministries seems likely.
Unfortunately, Haggard’s failure to name the failed forms of assistance leaves other people vulnerable to the same ineffective and costly treatments.
I am further disappointed that Haggard would seek help from Dobson, de facto political leader of the movement whose ex-gay therapies have already, apparently, been ineffective for Haggard.
Just for other info, here’s a link to one of the other “overseers,” Jack Hayford. Here is a PDF by him, entitled Dealing With a Culture Lost In Sin. The piece deals with homosexuality as a “perversion.”
Even with the hypocrisy, one has to feel for the guy. Unfortunately, it looks like he’ll be trapped in his double life for a while to come.
Given his evangelical stature and the circumstances surrounding the outing, I would not expect Haggard to “arrive” over night. However, I do pray for him and his family that ultimately he will choose life and authenticity over a collection of “masks” that leads to destruction of self and relationships.
It sounds like he’s saying that he did have honest communication at some point in the past. It sounds as though – but I hesitate to assume this – he told those closest to him that he had conquered his problems because he was afraid to disappoint them.
I think that as long as his belief requires that he not “experience desires” then he’s not going to ever find resolution to his “war”.
I think he can probably rebuild his marriage, perhaps rebuild his career, and successfully monitor his behavior. But not if he’s dishonest with himself. And not if he thinks his problem is his desires and not the way he responds to them. And certainly not if he thinks homosexuality is not a predisposition, but a temptation to be fought (as was said by his overseers).
If he truly wants to win his “war”, he needs to be honest with himself and recognize that he has same-sex attractions and a predisposition to homosexuality. Perhaps if he stops battling to not have temptations, he’ll be able to deal with his temptations in a manner that allows him to continue to hold onto his family without hurting or deceiving others or himself.
The self-loathing that seems so apparent in this letter is just sad to see, and it reminds me of my own dark time suppressing and repressing the feelings I did not want. Unfortunately, Mr. Haggard has no one around him who will tell him anything different than what he has preached – and he probably is not, at this moment, open to the suggestion that his “dirt” is not a horrible sin, but a natural, normal part of life for a sizeable minority of people. I hope, for his sake, that someday he is able to accept himself for who he really is, but I can’t help but feel sorry for the wife and children he’ll continue to hurt in the process.
You know, it’s funny, the “ex-gay” movement often talks about being gay as an addiction, but who exactly is hitting bottom in Mr. Haggard’s story, and why? There are millions of gays and lesbians who will wake up tomorrow without any of the deep guilt and shame so many of us did feel when we were closeted. We will wake up and go about our days, worried only about the minutia of everyone’s life – what needs to be done at work, what bills need to be paid, perhaps problems or happiness in our relationships. Ted Haggard will wake up tomorrow, and for days after, feeling miserable and shamed – feeling like a failure for not being able to control what he feels is a diseased part of him. I don’t wish that kind of feeling on anyone.
I believe that this whole situation is actually a blessing in disguise. I think that Pastor Haggard has some important choices over the next several months. It is my prayer that he will wake up, make his peace with God and choose to come out of that miserable closet he is in and come out with God. I hope that he will learn to be honest with his family and himself and learn to stop letting people like James Dobson control his life. I hope he will trust God and not place men like Dobson and others up on a par with God because anyone who does that at the expense of their personal relationship with God is guilty of Idolatry.
I also see a new day coming tomorrow when the tide will shift toward more peace and hope when the American people will show ideologues like James Dobson but most especially George Bush that they have had enough of out sacred constitution being trampled upon in the name of God. I trust that the American people will choose freedom and to protect the Bill of Rights through their votes which will be a referendum on this administration, an administration that is influenced by men like James Dobson.
Btw, John in DC has Signorile interviews fallen-evangelical-leader Ted Haggard’s male hooker up on AmericaBlog, which graphicly describes the kind of sex involved.
H/t Pam.
which graphicly describes the kind of sex involved.
I really don’t think that’s what we are about here.
This whole story moves me because it brings up a feelings from when I was a missionary in Zambia, married and exposed with my own double life. Dreadful times.
And one would think that after 15 years of trying to straighten myself out, with ex-gay ministers helping me, and counselors (including two weeks intensive in Colorado Springs with a Christian therapist) and books and so much church, that I would finally admit to myself and the world that it just wasn’t working.
But that was when I enrolled in Love in Action, the cadilac of ex-gay programs, and spent nearly two years there soaked in shame over my actions and the people who I had hurt.
And even in all those years previously when I was struggling, I carefully shared my struggles knowing that if I shared too much, I ran the risk of being driven out, far from the church I loved and the people and faith that meant so much to me. It is indeed a dreadful trap.
I’ve often said that some of the lonliest people in the world are ex-gays who are leaders. Where do they turn with their struggles? The risks are too great from their own and of course they believe they can’t trust us.
I feel grateful to see see thoughtful and sensitive comments here about this whole affair.
I want to confirm for the record that XGW is not an appropriate place for sexual innuendo.
First, I would hate for the talking heads of Exodus to publicly tear into my sex life (or lack thereof); I’m a firm believer in the golden rule.
Second, sexual behaviors do not define or distinguish gay, ex-gay, bisexual, transgendered and heterosexual people. Most people exhibit a variety of sexual behaviors. Sexual orientation is defined by the gender to which one is primarily attracted, not by behavior.
Mike,
I agree with you…. generally. However, in this instance I do think it was relevant for Autumn to link to a site that clarifies an issue.
Ted Haggard has claimed that he did not have sex with Mike Jones but only paid for a massage. However, he has admitted to sexual immorality. Jones claimed they had sex.
I, for one, was a bit uncertain. Perhaps this could be one of those things situations where one party might not consider a particular sex act as “sex”. However, having reviewed the snippets of interview that Jones had with Andrew Sullivan, it is now clear that Jones and Haggard could not both have been telling the truth.
I do agree that if Haggard admitted to having sex with Jones, then any particular details about their trysts would be nothing other than prurient and distasteful. However, after President Clinton’s unique definition of “I did not have sex”, I think it is relevant to be more specific.
And, for that matter, I don’t think the language was overly graphic. It certainly wasn’t crude and seemed to be an attempt to answer questions rather than titilate.
I think it fair to say that this site is not intended to monitor the sexual behavior of ex-gays or anyone else. However, it is a site that monitors the claims of those who use ex-gay propaganda to fight politically against equal treatment for all citizens, even if those claims are about their sexual behavior.
Timothy said:
I do agree that if Haggard admitted to having sex with Jones, then any particular details about their trysts would be nothing other than prurient and distasteful. However, after President Clinton’s unique definition of “I did not have sex”, I think it is relevant to be more specific.
I understand what you are saying, but I still disagree. First, before we had Jones saying that Haggart had sex with him every month for 3 years. We had Haggart saying he only had a massage (let’s skip the drugs in this instance). Now we have Jones giving specifics on the kind of sex he says they had. We have no more proof of anything at all, just a more graphic explanation of the sex Jones says they had. Even if Haggart had only purchased the services of a male prostitute to have massages we would be talking about the same thing, at least for our purposes.
Even if I am wrong and there might be some purpose to knowing what kind of sex they had, the negative factors outweight the positive enough so that it should not be a topic for XGW. There are definitely sites that engage in this kind of subject matter and we should leave it for them. The work we do here requires a certain reputation be maintained, and I think this kind of reference takes away from that.
Or so it seems to me.
It looks like Dobson doesn’t have time for Haggard. He made some sort of announcement that he isn’t going to be part of the counselling team for Haggard. I would say that this is good news for Haggard. What would be even better news for Haggard would be his recognition and acceptance for who he really is. Then he would be in a much better position to find peace and resolve his issues with his family.
Enough is already out on the table that regardless of the details, it is clear that Haggard is attracted to and has had sex with men. It is one thing to stay in the closet, but quite another challenge altogether to try to jump back in the closet when everyone in America knows what your inclinations are. Nobody is going to be able to take Haggard seriously (including his family) unless and until he can come to terms with who he really is.
John Said: “It looks like Dobson doesn’t have time for Haggard. He made some sort of announcement that he isn’t going to be part of the counselling team for Haggard.”
I heard a rumor that His treatment team will be Schoenewolf and Berger. Schoenewolf will help him rewrite his history while Berger teases and ridicules him
Thank God we don’t have to worry so much about Dobson’s political influence now!!! The Democrats are in power now!!!
I just feel like firmly bitch-slapping Haggard and telling him to get ahold of himself. Then suggesting that he go talk with someone such as the Rev. Dr. Mel White. I think if anything can help Haggard it might be to commiserate with Mel. It even might help Haggard find a way home to his wife and kids. I’m not one of those who would ever say that Haggard can only go gay. But at the same time it would seem that he needs to deal with his sexuality with more reality than the situation he describes in his letter. Talk like that will not “fix” the situation in the manner he seeks. He will ‘relapse’ if that is how he seeks to deal with his sexuality.
Ted, go talk with Mel White.
Oh and thanks for the return of the PREVIEW!!!
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Seeing how long-standing his “problem” apparently has been, I wonder if someone he leveled with, way back years ago, told him that if he married, it would heal his “brokenness.”
A Christian leader told me that. It was just as effective as it was with Haggard, if indeed he was told to do so.