Superbowl Sunday 1999 is when I first told my mother “I am, but don’t want to be homosexual.”
“I’m gay but don’t want to be,” which I’d heard used on 60 Minutes just didn’t work for me. I preferred to lay out the condition before dropping the bomb. Also I wasn’t about to self-identify as “gay” at the time even though it’s fewer syllables.
Really now, what do you call it when you come out to someone to announce you want to be ex-gay? A “coming out” seems so inappropriate. A “coming out of?” or “going in?” Perhaps one of our ex-gay readers will suggest something. After all, it’s a term that describes what they do, it’s their term to define, not mine.
Hi Dan! Well…you can read all sorts of things into this little bit of information if you want(hehe!)…but…my husband still calls it “coming out” when he shares his story….or he’d refer to me “outing” him if I shared it with someone or, in the past, has given me permission to “out” him. I guess because it still has to do with being honest about something and letting it “out”??? Not sure. But the term works for us.
grace
It depends on where you live/work. It is definitely similar to a “coming out” where I work. My employer is celebrating LGBT history MONTH right now. I hesitated to mention the ex-gay thing to anyone in my church because I assumed most of them would be pro-gay. I haven’t really told my gay friends – I just drifted away from the gay scene (but I will still go a gay bar for a drink if invited or watch a movie like Brokeback Mountain). I have told a few close friends “gay is no longer an option” (including one guy I always thought of as husband material) and hoped they would tell everyone else.
JS
[comment deleted for being irrelevant and off topic]
Dan, can I ask how you are going with the ex-gay thing? Are you still changing or have you changed already? How are you going about changing?
Hmm…I have something to throw out for your perusal and comment.
I have strange encounters sometimes.
These are the sort of experiences that remind me often of how much blacks and gays have in common and general expectations of your own peers when you don’t fit a stereotype.
I can recall the surprise on the faces of blacks and whites alike, who’d spoken to me on the phone, but were surprised to see that I was black.
‘Acting white’ is an inner city putdown.
Among trash it’s ‘putting on airs’.
Derogatory terms instigated against people who are well spoken, well read and often accepted socially where these others are not.
But ‘acting’ on any terms means what?
Going along to get along has a definition too that applies to homosexuals living in a world full of mostly heterosexuals whose reactions could run the gamut from disdain to violence.
When one doesn’t know how one will be responded to…’acting’ or assuming as non threatening a posture as possible is a means of survival.
Often I have mentioned that the tired buzz words employed by ex gay ministry supporters or gays is ‘struggling with their homosexuality’.
To which I have called it struggling with heterosexual conceit and control.
Would the term ‘struggling to be homosexual’ be more accurate? Or another way of saying the latter?
No one should have to struggle with their identity at all.
The homosexual identity is treated like all manner of identities, which is accepted in other people, but the approach to understanding gay identity is resisted.
I don’t think it’s too much to demand the reason why.
There is a new book out called “Covering” regarding the survival mode that gay people have had to go into.
The author is Asian. Yoshiro…I think is the name. I’ll have to look up his name because I don’t have my notes right here.
But I am very interested to read it and I wonder what can be contributed to this thread by it.
“Would the term ‘struggling to be homosexual’ be more accurate? Or another way of saying the latter?”
Regan, I think you mean ‘struggling to be heterosexual’ as I think most of those “struggling” are trying to not be gay.
I think I said struggling to be homosexual, because nobody can come out free and easily and no one allows a person to BE easily homosexual.
It was a thought.
Thanks Tim!
Regan,
I’m not marginalizing your strong beliefs against ex-gays or those who “struggle” at all. It doesn’t really matter to me one way or the other how you perceive the movement as a whole. I’m just speaking as one individual….not for the entire body of ex-gays.
I believe that struggling with identity is not only something we all should do but something we necessarily must do as we mature. It may or may not having anything to do with sexuality per se. I agree with what (I think) you may be saying in that people shouldn’t have to “struggle” over fitting in to (or veering away from) sexual stereotypes set up by the culture at large. However, I do think tolerance and acceptance should work both ways….toward those who affirm themselves as gay OR ex-gay.
I would also be interested in reading the book you are going to look up and reference for us. I think you are right in your stance (correct me if I’ve missed this) that the culture at large and specifically many of those involved in the ex-gay movement have not made adequate efforts to understand the survival mode you speak of among gays.
your friend,
grace
Regan, Grace:
I believe the book you’re discussing is “Covering: The Hidden Assault on our Civil Rights ” by Kenji Yoshino.
I’ve not read his book so I can’t discuss whether or not it makes a compelling argument. However, as best I can tell Yoshino discusses the stages of demands that have been made on gay persons/communities. Basically:
the demand to convert – which though no longer the predominant position of western culture is still the social/political postion of conservative christianity and the ex-gay ministries
the demand to pass – a cultural “don’t ask – don’t tell” that would range from Oscar Wilde to Cole Porter to today’s military
the demand to cover – a condition in which you can be “out” to society as long as you don’t flaunt your sexuality such as the eunichs on Queer Eye or the various gay politicians who never are seen physically touching their other half
The examples are mine… so sorry if I got it wrong.
I pulled the gist of it from an article on the Advocate’s website at
https://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail.asp?id=25028
Hey guys. Being an ex-ex-gay, I am finding your blog entertaining and very interesting. When I told my pastor and family that I wanted to exit the lifestyle, I used the term struggle. It worked at the time, until I realized it was a little more complex than a “Struggle.” I just started a new blog, Chronicles of an ex-ex-gay. https://exexgay.blogspot.com Check it out, let me know what ya think! Thanks, J
Hey Dan,
I read your post and I thought that Coming in day wasn’t such an exciting way for us exgay people to descibe that event. Here are a few of my own:
(1) Retrosexual Day: I think it highlights the idea of going back to something.
(2) Revelation Day: Aside from the biblical connotation, it seems to be a fairly neutral term. For those who want to avoid the direct connection with ‘coming out’ and the dreaded ‘gay’ word.
(3) Coming out of the Wardrobe: A la Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe. For the glam exgay.
(4) Independence Day: An obvious contender.
(5) The Day of Confusion: Because at first nobody gets what you are saying. “So your gay?” “Then your not a homosexual?” “Wait, you are but you aren’t?”
I don’t know if you need to really give it a name though. I’m surprised you remember the date for yours. I don’t. It wasn’t memorable.