In response to some advice that I posted for an exgay reader, another reader recently wrote to ask whether I am exgay, and if so, how did I break free of homosexual desires.

Here’s my response (slightly edited).

I’m not ex-gay 🙂 … your second question is kinda broad, and requires a bit of examination:

a. Different sexual desires have different causes. The desires do not break down neatly into heterosexual and homosexual categories. The causes are not squarely biological or environmental. And some desires are less sexual than others.

b. Any given desire can have different levels of intensity — some levels might be healthy, while other levels may be too high or too low. For example, our society considers the desire for physical contact with someone healthy if that desire is for a hug or handshake from a friend, not healthy if the desire is a hug from a boss. Some societies expect men to kiss one another as a greeting, while other societies see any physical contact — even a handshake — as a violation of one’s personal/spiritual space. A desire for sex with one’s spouse once a week might be average; if one desires sex more often than one’s partner wishes, then one must learn to ignore or divert one’s desires. A constant and overpowering desire for sex, or no desire at all, might require examination.

What I’m getting at is, what exactly is one trying to break free from? “Homosexual desires” (or, for that matter, “heterosexual desires”) is too broad to be addressed with a quick fix, in my opinion (speaking as a layperson).

Best wishes.

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