CRUISE CONTROL: A Book for Gay Men
by Robert Weiss, MSW, CAS
Review by Joe Kort, MSW
July 25, 2005
No, this book isn’t about how to control Tom Cruise—although he needs some, given his ignorant advice that no one should be on prescribed medication for depression. This is a long-awaited and much-anticipated book for gay male sex addicts.
After specializing in sexual addiction for over 20 years, finally I have a resource to give to my gay male clients struggling with sexual compulsivity. Twenty-five years ago, Patrick Carnes wrote his book, Out of the Shadows through a heterosexual male lens.
Following that came a book by Charlotte Kasl for sexually addicted women. And now, Robert Weiss, MSW—author, psychotherapist and a colleague of mine in the field of sexual addiction— does a fine job illustrating how this addiction manifests among gay men.
Sensitive to how the gay male community will receive this book, he makes it known quickly in Chapter One that he is not pathologizing gay sex and that “sexual addiction is not really about sex at all.”
This is important, because as a sexual addiction specialist myself, I often hear gay men dismiss the whole idea of sexual addiction as simply a bigoted ploy to further marginalize gay men and their sexual behavior.
Weiss defines sexual addiction in terms of what healthy sexuality is not about—namely, obsession, compulsion, trance-like-states, and repeated poor judgment for one’s physical, emotional and legal safety. Sexual addiction leaves the sufferer feeling lonely and ashamed, disconnected and isolated—the exact reverse of what healthy sexual expression will provide. As Weiss explains, “Anyone can experience negative consequences that relate to sex; bad things sometimes just happen. But sex addicts are risk-takers. The law of probability dictates that the more frequently you take risks, the more likely it is that you will reap severe consequences as a result of your sexual behavior.”
Cruise Control helps gay readers determine whether or not they are sexually addicted, why some gay men are at risk to become sex addicts, and what the compulsion is really all about. The second half of his book is about the recovery process—individually and with a partner. The partner also needs to recover from his feelings of betrayal and deceit at his partner’s behavior; his recovery process includes rebuilding trust.
Weiss’s book also addresses love addiction, which in the 1980s, was being used as a label for those jumping from one new relationship to another. Both personally and professionally, I thought they had gone too far and that the term addiction was losing its meaning.
But today, I understand exactly why behavioral problems involving sex, love and gambling are described as addictions. Individuals can become addicted to the internal pharmaceuticals that exist within us all, and which releases when we acting out certain behaviors. These internal mood-enhancers including adrenaline, phenylethylamine, and dopamine, provoke feelings of being high and euphoric. You literally are in an altered state, because your have released a host of internalized drugs into your bloodstream. In all too many cases, the release of these natural drugs becomes associated with the specific behaviors that triggered them. . The more risk, fear, and danger people experience, the stronger some of these chemicals become.
To this chemical high, add negative beliefs and shame about one’s self based on internalized homophobia, low self-esteem, poor body image (gay men do tend to strive for the perfect body), and you become vulnerable to a sexual addiction. Sex becomes the means for coping with (and distracting from) stress, so that daily life begins to be viewed through a testosterone screen.
Weiss addresses gay men’s increasingly widespread use of methamphetamine — “crystal meth,” or “Tina” — and how that highly addictive substance can accelerate or even provoke sexually compulsive behavior. This is a crucial part of his book for me, since I see crystal meth’s negative effects every day in my practice. Gay men coming to me after having risked HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases and ruined their lives, losing their partners, their jobs, often their families and even themselves.
Weiss argues that while individual psychological issues and a neurological predisposition to addiction contribute to sexual compulsivity, there are still cultural risks contributing to the gay sex addict’s continuous acting out. He states it is not homosexuality itself, or how we behave sexually as gay men. “Instead he writes “with a cultural background of dramatically greater sexual freedoms than those usually enjoyed by his heterosexual peers” … the urban gay man is in some ways a prisoner of his own freedoms.”
I recommend this book to every gay man who wants to rule out the possibility that he — or a potential partner — might be sexually compulsive. I also recommend it for partners of sexual addict is to learn about their own recovery process, knowing that they, themselves, have issues as well. Cruise Control should be on the bookshelf of every gay man as well as any therapist who works with gay men.
For more information on sexual addiction go to www.joekort.com and click on “Are You A Sex Addict?”
Joe, could you please do paragraphing?
Yes I don’t know how can you help? I submit it with them then they get lost! I would love any help you can give me.
Warmly, Joe
I’m glad gay sexual addiction is being addressed. I think many gay men who struggle with sex addiction are attracted to “ex-gay” programs because they feel trapped in their addiction. I suspect there are many gay sex addicts who only know the “gay lifestyle” through their sex addiction and therefore consider the “gay lifestyle” to be unsatisfying.
Thanks Joe — good summary, I may see if I can get a copy to read first hand.Not ’cause I need to — pffft! — but I have a feeling this is going to get quoted severely out of context… “as reported by an homosexual researcher, 90% of gays sex addicts…” blah blah blah.(“No, that was 90% of those few gay men who seek a therapist for this issue are sex addicts — please note the difference. It’s not 90% of gay men as a whole.”)But… this is written by an American right?Even the term “sex addict” makes the rest of the World roll their eyes. You hit the real core when you mentioned the physiology of risk (or thrill seeking), abuse, social disconnection, perversion (in the true sense of the word) etc. As you said — it’s not ABOUT sex, sex being merely the outlet. So why call it “sex addiction” if it’s not ABOUT sex?I’d suggest the term is a distraction, a latter day obsession ABOUT sex, from within a particular cultural perspective; modern, sex-distorted America that leads the developed World in both abstinence education and teenage pregancies and STD rates. (One wonders, could those be related?) Even those who reject the assumptions of that culture are themselves acting within it.I also cringe when I read something like “dramatically greater sexual freedoms than those usually enjoyed by his heterosexual peers”Yeah, sure… Zach? Any of us growing up? Small town America? Sharing thoughts with friends and family? A kiss goodbye at the airport, or snoozing in each other’s arms under the sunshine in a suburban park? Being consumed by self-doubt and hatred?I’d put it that, far from being a “notches on the bedpost” thing; nearly all heterosexual males have dramatically greater sexual freedom — in all that it represents — than nearly all gay/bi men. This is about relationships, and not about sex.There’s no freedom in the closet, or in drug addiction, or a need to abuse or be abused, or an uncanny knack to sabotage every relationship you have (sexual or otherwise). Sneaking around, pretending to be one thing, hooking up with strangers and then running back into the shadows — that’s not freedom either. The very fact that there is an ex-gay movement. The fact, not to be forgotten, that the majority of gay/bi men do not seek or become that stereotype.Leaving aside the clinical aspects of the minority that seek help with out of conrol lives — more than anything, I think this book may be very useful in helping me further understand modern America. I’ll be interested to see how the culture around this “sex” addiction is treated in the book.
I’d tend to agree NormI’m slowing collecting a content analysis of the exgay testimonies published on the web. A hideous job, I might add!I’m only up to 36 individuals — although rapidly running out of new people, so much for the claimed “thousands”… — but some issues are popping out. (And these could be even higher — the following are only for those who specifically refer to the issue in their testimony/ies)About 40% mention drugs or alcohol misuse.About the same proportion mention childhood sexual abuse (most as the victim).About half mention religious visions (as adults), or being genuinely suicidal at some point (about 25% mention idealation over the age of 21).The average age is 46, and they’ve been ex-gaying themselves for 19 years (yes, 19 years!). That is, three quarters of their adult lives have been spent exgaying themselves.Only 13% mention an adult (22y+) gay relationship that went for 12 months.It’s is showing these individuals to a rather odd bunch that are very different to, if I add them up, all the gay men I know, for example.Oh, and 84% work in the exgay or christian religous sector…
PS — by “adult” I have set this at 21 years old.This is to get past any problem with delayed adolescence etc. Things get kookier if I set that age as 18.And overwhelmingly — 90% in childhood, nearly all as an adult — mention a conservative religious background.
I think what is lost are the reasons behind why individuals are so despirate for sexual satisfaction.
What people are assuming is all these people want is sexual gratification – if that was the case, a simply hand job would do nicely – an orgasm is an orgasm, which ever way you wish to look at the situation.
Many of these people, however, have deep seated personnal issues that go well beyond wanting sex or it having anything to do with being gay.
What the book needs to address are the CAUSES of ‘sexual addiction’ – which is a myth actually, considering it is manifestation of an internal issue that is being expressed through a desire of sexual attraction – which is actually more of a desire to seek companionship, but due to the warped perspective of relationship building, the search for a life long mate is nothing more than fruitless and empty because the fact is, there is nothing that will satisfy because the problem isn’t so much he can’t find the right guy, but the internal struggle the individual has.
kaiwai at July 26, 2005 05:22 AM
What people are assuming is all these people want is sexual gratification – if that was the case, a simply hand job would do nicely – an orgasm is an orgasm.
Actually, from personal experience, I disagree. Masturbation will do “in a pinch” but the “push&shove” with another person certainly enhances the experience.
Substantially agree with the rest of the post, by the way.
Joe K., thanks for posting this! I second Norm’s and Grant’s observation that ex-gay ministries seem to have a special appeal for those who have struggled with sex addiction and other kinds of addictions.
If more people like Weiss speak out, perhaps we can offer help (in the form of healthier relationship models) to addictive gays who might otherwise seek ex-gay ministries for the “absolute” answers they offer.
grantdale…
“I’m slowing collecting a content analysis of the exgay testimonies published on the web.”
I’ve been thinking about doing the same. How are you tracking? Are you using a database or spreadsheet software?
Hi Timothy:I’m using an Access database with “extra” analysis done through VBA. Nothing fancy, it really doesn’t need it.If you would like to start colaborating though, I’m more than happy about that — it’s simply running through the testimony and clicking off when a feature appears. Most have several testimonies online, so I’m simply assuming if it’s mentioned in one (but left off another) the person still gets a click. Let me know if you’re interested — if you’re not running Access, I have a simple spreadsheet as well that I can suck up into the database.It would be great to get a second perspective on the tesimonies (or, help finding extra ones).
Grant, you are such a geek!
Hey, FO! :-)You haven’t seen me necked!
I’d love to help.
Mike Airhart and Dan Gonzalez have my email.
I would be interested to read that book.
I tend to think that early validation instead of rejection or support during the relationship formative years of adolescence would lessen the addiction to that sexual ‘rush’.
So much suppression and repression goes on early in a gay kid’s life, that any positive or seemingly positive attention results in a break in the dam, so to speak.
Ex gay people like to latch onto that non sexual same gender affection issue. That there was deprivation of father affection young, so that it manifests in same gender erotic attraction instead.
I don’t think that’s quite it.
I think it’s deprivation of same gender sexual affection in teen life and lack of emotional support for eduring relationships that arrests normal mature same gender relationships.
Considering how small a percentage of people gays and lesbians are, a compatible partner would be a miracle to find under the best of circumstances.
Perhaps too, hope plays a big part.
When you have the hope of an enduring relationship, and even marriage, you are more likely to arrange your life around being eligible.
Feeling hopeless or unworthy of caring for yourself by taking risks and growing numb to deep feelings in indicative of society as a whole that doesn’t value gay life.
Inner city black communities are also riddled with risky behaviors regarding sex, drug use and violence. There is a deep well of hopelessness there too which disconnects individuals from their parents, children and gainful, worthwhile employment.
Black on black crime is a national tragedy and no one in leadership would ever suggest that blacks aren’t fit to marry, be parents or strive for higher education because of the problems they face intraculturally.
Black life was devalued a long time ago, and hasn’t recovered it’s footing in mainstream culture. Gay life has run the same course and the results are destructive, self defeating behaviors.
Even the critics of self destructive behavior in black life, like Bill Cosby or talkradio host Larry Elder, get vilified for their criticism.
I haven’t heard of the gay equivalent to that yet-but I’m sure they are out there somewhere.
Just my two cents.
But I like to read up on everything I can.
OK, thanks Timothy — it’ll be great to compare notesGiven it’s no longer just me fiddling around with “stuff”, I will make the database a bit more expansive and easier to work through. Nothing fancy mind 🙂 I’m not going to load it onto our server or anything! I’m flat chat at the moment, so give me a couple of days.If anyone else would be interested, I’m more than happy to make it available to you too — just let one of the XGW people know; they can contact me.Hmmm, maybe it would be good to go the whole hog and put it online as an XGW resource… you find some info, you jump across and include it for all to use as reference. But not this week!
Whew! When I started reading, I thought you were endorsing DOUG Weiss – a ‘sexual addiction specialist’ popular on the Promise Keepers speaking circuit (I mistakenly thought he was a ‘Robert’ 😉 The last piece I read by Doug Weiss urged Christian fathers to establish accountability procedures with their teenaged sons in which the sons report frequency of masturbation and sexual fantasies. I would think that would CONTRIBUTE to sexual crazyness, not prevent it!!
Anyway… I have conflicting opinions about sexual addiction and somehow prefer the term ‘compulsion.’ My main issue is with Christian pseudo counselors who have jumped onto the sexual addiction bandwagon. They seems both obsessed with sexuality and repressed in their response to it. I was in therapy (and in 12-step groups) for 12 years while married to deal with sexual addiction and made NO progress whatsoever toward healthier patterns of behavior. It finally occured to me (on my own) that accepting my orientation and coming out might be the key to freedom from compulsion. And… it was. It was that simple for me — though I know everyone’s situation is different.
Yes I don’t know how can you help (regarding paragraphing)? I submit it with them then they get lost! I would love any help you can give me.
Sorry, I can’t. I’ve never done blogging, and I don’t know the software. But I’ve found in commenting that if one does a double carriage return, there is an extra line between paragraphs. If I have to do it in HTML, which I have to do on some sites, I use the HTML tag (br) at the end of one paragraph and (p) at the beginning of the next (substitute angle brackets for the parentheses). “BR” stands for line break, and “P” stands for new paragraph.