In his column for Jan. 5, 2005, gay activist/author Wayne Besen examines the possible reasons why gay couples in nearly all of America remain afraid to hold hands or show affection in public.
In Besen’s view, the rationalizations of the antigay movement — that there are too few homosexuals, or that homosexuals are emotionally diseased — do not survive even basic scrutiny. The well-documented rise in violence against gay people remains an undeniable cause for fear among gay couples.
Besen is damn straight (so to speak) when he says that same-sex couples are afraid. My partner and I live in Kansas City, Missouri, and are very, very sensitive about how we appear when we’re in public together. Unless we’re at all-gay or gay-friendly gatherings, there’s no question of being able to hold hands in front of others.
Depressingly, I have to say that I’m even more intimidated since the election last August, when a whopping 70% of Missourians approved a ban against gay marriage in the state constitution. No need for a vote recount there. Knowing that 7 out of 10 people around us have something against us is not promoting any warm feelings on our part…quite the opposite.
Not to get off-topic, but gay365.com reported yesterday that a leading Muslim cleric blames homosexuals for the tsunamis that devastated South Asia. It looks like another pretty good reason to hide your sexual identity in public when you’re being blamed for an earthquake and tidal waves!
This is kind of a “Duh!”; albeit a very sad one.
I live in jacksonville FL, and public display is “right out.” No one wants to be a victim of hate crimes, which appear to be on the rise.
I’m in Austin, TX, and also avoid holding hands for fear of violence. In some situations I wouldn’t fear it if I really thought it thru, but the habit of avoiding it persists regardless of situation.
Where does the ex-gay movement explain the absence of more visible gay couples that way?
Even here in supposedly gay-friendly DC, where it is common to see same-sex couples holding hands in the gay neighborhoods, the same fear exists. I remember well a first date that went great, and we began holding hands as we walked back from dinner. Once we got out of the clearly gay neighborhood, though, it became a kind of crazy game of quickly dropping each others’ hands whenever anybody approached, then taking them again when others had passed.
At the same time, I try to consistently raise my own visibility as a gay man when I am traveling around the country, which I do a lot for business. I purposely use rainbow-themed items (e.g., key chain, necklace), read gay-themed books in airports and on airplanes, and try to identify myself as gay when the situation calls for it. As a non-stereotypical gay man, I love it when people realize that I am gay and see the surprise register on (most of) their faces.
My partner and I live in Houston, which has a reputation for being homophobic. It was only a few years ago that a man was murdered by a group of youths after he had exited a gay bar. We are very aware about public affection. We just don’t do it.
However, there are areas of the country that we travel to where it is more accepted and we feel comfortable in holding hands. We also visit Canada quite a bit and the atmosphere in the large cities there is very different. However, I don’t have any hopes that it will change here anytime soon.
Hey Jim. I am in Houston also. I don’t do much holding hands or PDA at all. Some of the reason, surely is fear. One good thing for me about Houston is that at least there is a bit of a gay district.
Matt- on that note, I was going to comment that even though Austin has a fairly liberal population, not having a gay district for clubs and stuff makes PDA not feel as safe to me. Then again, it could be a good thing to just blend in the gay clubs with the straight ones- I see a lot more straight people (guys and girls) in the Austin clubs/bars than I do in Houston ones.
Hi, TA. It’s great to know there is another local on the boards here.
Hi Jim. I agree, I was happy to see another Houstonian. Matt is in Austin, so that is another Texan as well!