People often come to realizations about themselves — as well as changes in their perspective — as they approach middle age.
What happens when someone develops serious doubts about their sexual orientation, especially as they approach midlife?
Must they be either homosexual — or ex-gay?
In my opinion, neither the decision nor the orientation are either/or, black/white.
I respond to this here on Rich Blinne’s blog.
I probably said way too much — more than the person asked for — but I felt it was important that someone thinking of “coming out” step back from hastily labeling themselves, and instead broaden their range of choices and work with the tangible impact of their decisions.
I don’t think my response is atypical of what other gay folks say to people who are struggling. But I do think it defies the ex-gay stereotype that homosexual individuals are out to “recruit” heterosexuals.
What follows is a copy of my response.
As for genetics, I found this paper helpful in summarizing, in (almost) plain English, where the studies stand. If there is a gay gene, it has not been found yet.
Beyond current science, there is a problem: There is no one meaning of “homosexual.” Different people are attracted to the same gender to a differing degree, and possibly/probably for different reasons.
What that means is, even though you are attracted to other men, you can still choose how to live your life, depending on how strong the attractions are and whether they drive you in healthy or unhealthy directions.
I’ll use the example here of what a married man could do if he is attracted to other men.
Some same-sex-attracted men stay married and loyal to their wives. Some of those men are open with their wives about their struggle, some choose to keep it a secret. Some men find it helpful to talk out their attractions/temptations with a counselor or a group of other married, same-sex-attracted men who can help the man decide for himself what to do. Some of these men decide upon ways to manage their attractions so that their lives won’t be disrupted.
This group called GAMMA, for example, helps married men who are attracted to other men. It helps them figure things out, whether they choose to stay married or not.
Here’s another group of bisexual married men, each of whom is trying to figure out what will work best for them and their families.
Some same-sex-attracted men decide, either on their own or after talking out their concerns with their family, a counselor, or a group of men in the same situation, that they want to pursue their attraction to other men. If they decide they are going to do that, then obviously there might be ramifications for one’s family and church. Speaking here as someone who is same-sex-attracted but who also values family, I don’t think someone should make such a major decision quickly, or alone. And if they make this decision, then it’s best to decide first where one plans to go next: A life relationship with another man? Singlehood? Dating? The same church or a different one?
Greg, while I often disagree with “ex-gays” and believe their programs are ineffective, I will borrow one bit of their advice here. Remember that, first and foremost, you are “Greg,” not heterosexual or bisexual or homosexual. Just Greg. And whatever your attractions are, you are free to decide how best to manage them.
Interesting response and truthful.
I wonder how different it was before the 70ies? In my experience gay men who are over 50 and have never been married are very rare. It seems that either the pressure or the need to get married must have been much greater then. Men who are 40 and under are much more likely to have never been married to a woman. It also seems that marriages of men who are strongly homosexual usually don’t last till mid life they breakup long before then. Marriages of men who most would consider themselves bisexual tend to last longer.
It also seems that life’s crisis esp. the mid-life crisis tends to be one of the things that pushes the guy to leave the wife (assuming he isn’t cheating and she finds out). It seems that life in general, with sexuality being a part of it, gets reevaluated then. It also seems that anything that causes life to be re-examined such as death or divorce seems to cause people to re-evaluate how they live their lives and can result in a man who previously had some same sex attraction deciding not to peruse relationship with women (or rarely vice versa). It seems very rare that someone who had no same sex attraction beforehand suddenly develops it then. Either they were curious and didn’t act on it until then or more likely they did act on it before they got married and very likely continued to act on it while they were married.
I have also known guys who decided to stay married because there were children involved. They divorced as soon as the children are raised. Which again tends to be at mid-life (assuming they were married in their 20ies).
If you are attracted to the same sex sometimes but never have had a relationship with one does that mean you are gay?
Hi I’m a 13 year old boy from a secondary school. I recently came out to people in my school and my mum and through it I discovered my friend was also gay. Everyone keeps telling me that I cannot tell yet I have fancied boys consistently since I was young and I’ve been close to boys and stuff and they turn me on so I believe that people often know from a young age their orientation. As far me liking girls – no. I admire their beauty and love being friends with them but the idea of having sex with them is unnappealing and I have seen a vagina before and it made me feel ill. I think I must be gay. Please respond to this message if you can. thanks x
Thomas I felt my first attraction to men at about eight and by 12 I felt I had the thought processes, if not the experience, of an adult. I think no one is better placed than oneself when it comes to deciding what’s going on in one’s own mind. Don’t let others tell you what your feelings are or should be. I think you’re old enough to know yourself.
Thomas,
Without knowing you we obviously cannot make any guesses as to where your journey in life will take you. I recommend that you discuss these feelings with your mother. If you feel that you are not having your concerns addressed, there are many counseling organizations that can help. There is probably one operating within your school and, if not, your mother can probably help you find someone to talk to. If she can’t, discuss it with a school counselor or contact GLSEN.
Remember, there is no need to rush into anything and it will be – or at least should be – a very long time before you start making any decisions relating to having sexual experiences.
Let me give you a few quick words of advice:
1. The most important thing is to learn to value yourself. Not the gay you, or the straight you, or the anything else you. But just you – whichever it is that your personal sexual orientation turns out to be.
2. Learn to communicate completely with your parents. You may not find yourself agreeing with them on this issue (it sounds like you don’t entirely agree at the moment) but that’s all right. Your parents will trust you more if you trust them more. Be open with them (which it does sound like you are) and remember that if you are gay or straight still most of their advice will be the same.
3. Don’t rush into sexual activity. Nearly everyone agrees that waiting until you are in a committed relationship is more satisfying – be it marriage or a union.
4. If you turn out to be gay, don’t assume that means anything about your spirituality or your politics or your occupation or anything other than the gender of the person you will fall in love with. Don’t assume you can’t go to church or want lower taxes or be a professional football player, if these are things you want.
5. Don’t worry too much about it. If you turn out to be gay, well you already think so anyway. If you turn out to be straight, that’s not such a bad thing. So enjoy life, be confident with who you are, treat people decently, laugh at yourself, make friends with both boys and girls, love your parents (even when it seems like they are clueless or won’t let you do what you want), and always always always try to keep a sense of humor.
OK, that’s it.