Ex-gay counselor David Pickup, whose “Increasing Manhood” video was met with speculation as to whether or not it was a joke, was recently profiled in an XGW article that showed his obsession with hyper-masculinity. His ex-gay program, “The WorkOUT,” seems to play on both this obsession and the stereotype that gay men are themselves obsessed with going to the gym.
We pointed out Pickup’s association with Jayson Graves, a Christian ex-gay counselor on the Exodus Board. Pickup is a member of Graves’s Healing for the Soul “Therapeutic Team.” His “WorkOUT” website contains links to Christian groups Exodus International, Love Won Out, and Focus on the Family in its “references” section – yet the site also contains a section that criticizes the Christian ex-gay movement.
Most, if not all, ex-gay groups warn the public about “what the gay community isn’t telling you.” Pickup works double duty, also warning you about what the Christian community isn’t telling you. In what is hailed as a “must-read article” on his website, Pickup declares that “spiritual healing does not necessarily heal homosexuality:”
To help a man find a relationship with God is certainly the eternal priority. However, to tell him he will heal himself from homosexual temptation and tendencies only through faith, prayer and service, (as some ex-gay programs espouse), then is it any wonder the homosexual struggler will continue to struggle year after year while the underlying issues are not resolved? Is it any wonder that these men experience a constant cycle of the build-up of homosexual feelings until they act out, then continue to feel horrible when asking for forgiveness, only to let the feelings build up again?
Pickup touts connections to the Christian community all the while claiming that they’re not being completely honest with you. At the same time he ironically touches on a very important point: that the shame induced by ex-gay ministries will ultimately manifest itself in the form of unhealthy sexual activity – resulting in even more shame. This he dubs “Toxic Shame.” He derides the year-in-year-out struggles experienced by Christian ex-gays who don’t resolve their “underlying “issues” – yet Exodus President Alan Chambers, who has admitted he faces this struggle, declares that it is a normal part of living the life of an ex-gay:
…And so every single morning — this is a ritual for me — I wake up and I say, “Dear Lord, I can’t make it today without You. I choose to deny what comes naturally to me. I choose to submit my will to the Lordship of your Son, Jesus Christ. And I choose better. I choose to follow You, I choose to allow Your Holy Spirit to walk before me, to guide me, to speak for me.”
I have a simple solution to prevent Toxic Shame and yearly struggles that requires no therapy and is free of charge: Teach gays – indeed, ALL people – from the beginning not to be ashamed of their sexual attractions, so they can then express their sexuality in healthy “normal” ways, such as courting another person of the same sex and going on dates.
Declaring that Christian ex-gay groups manufacture shame may create a conflict of interest for Pickup. It must be noted that Christian groups like Exodus and Love Won Out agree that you can’t just “pray away the gay.” LWO even labels this a “glib characterization” owned by the gay rights movement. According to them, “change” is a complex process and the causation of homosexuality is equally complex. But Pickup is nonetheless implying that attending a Christian ex-gay ministry is not enough. His therapy is the real therapy – and he’s the only person you can turn to for the whole story.
People who visit Pickup’s website won’t receive a true “cure” for homosexuality, but they will take in a healthy dose of contradictions. They are told to avoid so-called Toxic Shame by avoiding Christian ex-gay ministries – yet The WorkOUT reinforces its own kind of shame that is no less toxic among vulnerable gays: a man who is gay can never truly be a “real” man. Pickup points out the cycle of repression and the years of struggle that ultimately befall Christian ex-gays, yet fails to point out that ex-gays of ALL stripes will continue to struggle with same-sex attractions no matter what program they go through. In addition, he links to the ManKind Project, which actually opposes ex-gay therapy and encourages men to embrace their sexual orientation rather than repress it.
Looks like The WorkOUT needs to work out a clearer message.
Very well said, Emily. Simple indeed – so simple, in fact, that it makes you wonder why the ex-gay brigade still haven’t grasped it. All that we can do is to hope and pray that, soooner or later, somehow or other, it manages to penetrate their thick skulls.
Pickup’s pretty silly, on the whole, starting with the name. Are we talking about weightlifting or one-night stands? I watched his video, and the two thoughts I had is that he’s a really big queer (I know because I am), and that he is totally confused about homosexuality– whether in general or just about himself is not entirely clear/queer either.
I never had any problem with being gay, and i realized it when i was probably 6, though I didn’t know the word for it until I was 11 and found it in the dictionary. (BAN THAT DAMNED BOOK. IT’S CORRUPTING OUR YOUTH). I had a decent relationship with my father, and have always enjoyed the company of men, having great relationships with both gay men and straight men.
curiously, I got into sports in order to avoid gym class, which i hated. Not to butch myself up or pass for straight. I liked sports, but at the beginning, not as much as i hated gym class.
The commentary in this posting points out the two problems of gay life which are the effects of the ‘cure’ which all of this ex-gay stuff promotes, not the cause of the need for it.
One is shame over one’s sexuality. Shame is nothing more than the betrayal and rejection of oneself, and is appropriate only in the context of having betrayed and rejected one’s TRUE self, not a manufactured version of the self, which is the case when you pretend you are truly straight (just like G made everyone) when you know that you are truly not. (Telephone call for Mr. chambers!!!!)
In otherword, sexually addictive and unfulfilling behavior is the result of the shame, and not the other way around.
The ex-gay industry promotes and then feeds on the carefully manufactured and inculcated shame. Without it, they would have to go out and get real jobs.
The other is the utter refusal of the ex-gay industry to allow and/or provide for any other behavior other than sexually addictive and unfulfilling ones. “If you are gay,m you can’t have fulfilling relationships. you can’t be married. We’ll wreck you if you try. Shame shame shame” is pretty much the message. If the social message is ‘nothing meanful, fulfilling, and lifelong is available to you’, then don’t be surprised if that is what the recipients of that message act out.
Of course, they are not surprised. It is what they want.
One of the reasons gay marriage is so important is that there will be a different message for gay youth. Neither a requirement nor a mandate, but an option.
His name is really PICKUP??? This has to be a joke, right?
Check out the video where he says you “go deep” and how “he loves helping men be MEN”. Add that to the “personal coach” mentor and “911 calls, day or night” and well, I think you get the picture…
It’s not just a message for gay youth, Ben. It’s a message for even old gays: there is an option to marry and spend your dual retirement/golden years with someone who shares your ideals, interests, goals and love. That option was never realized in my mind until relatively recently. I never entertained the thought about living with a life-partner until a lesbian couple introduced me to gay couples who demonstrated long-term, monogamous relationships are a reality. This marriage thing is, indeed, a wonderful option.
After reading A. Chamber’s strange prayer, I’m wondering if Mr. Chambers is not struggling as much now in being an ex-gay because his sexual libido is waning as he ages.
I agree, cowboy. It’s a message for everyone. I mentioned youth because from my dating experience, is someone hasn’t been in a serious long-term relationship by the the age of 40, at least 50, then it seems unlikely that they will ever do so. Just telling them that it is now acceptable won’t do the trick.
Yikes…
All this back and forth, and ‘I know what’s best for gays and lesbians to do’ is SO old, tired, retread and dead.
This is why I don’t look to heterosexuals and what THEY think gay people should do. Or the beliefs of heterosexuals as the gold standard.
What GAY people know, but have as yet to trust who to tell it to, is the point.
Pickup is acting like any old ‘I have a better approach’ type that comes along the pike, when he’s no different or better at all.
That those gays and lesbians who are quite positive and strong in their relationships with God, or another gay person gets ignored, is the bigger clue on who is really trying to convince who.
Exodus and other ex gay supporters don’t mention certain things that INTERFERE with the happiness and adjustment of gay people.
They assume from the outset that there MUST be a struggle that MUST inevitably lead to unhappiness and possible deadly and risky OTHER situations.
And they assume that it’s THEIR intervetion that is needed, desirable and has the most preferred results.
Talk about needing validation from the unwilling or confused by their insistence on interfering.
I live with a life threatening auto immune disorder, I’m also in a period of mourning right now.
There are some people who opportunistically might exploit that situation and take advantage of me for both reasons because they assume I’m at a weak point and don’t have the facility or motive to resist them.
And perhaps my situation makes plenty of people uncomfortable, not for my sake, but THEIRS.
It’s the exploitation and predation of those who typically say THEY have the better option or exercises for NOT struggling so with homosexuality.
Well, what they AREN’T dealing with, is certain amounts of struggle, sorrow or frustration are HEALTHY and inevitable.
One needs those conditions (which are temporary) to derive motivation and strength for bigger and tougher things.
How is someone gay going to truly cope with their orientation if they are RUNNING from it and not allowed to understand their own strengths and possibilities WITH it?
Being at certain depths engages survival tactics and introspection. It builds character and empathy and maturity.
So WHAT if a youngster is homosexual? It’s a CHALLENGE (or not, or not a big one for some), but not necessarily something that requires ANY intervention, just positive reinforcement.
The ex gay industry characterizes this specific challenge as extensively negative…when it isn’t and doesn’t have to be.
Some people are stronger BECAUSE they are of color, women…gay…within some hostile social territory. And remarkable resilience is what is unexpected.
Which is why I get the distinct impression of capitulation and LACK of resilience from ex gays. And an abnormal need to be validated.
In a way, Pickup and other interventions are a means of weakening a person’s resolve for OTHER forms of conflict that could be harder than being gay, because they are usually coached to point ALL shortcomings at orientation, instead of some other factor.
You learn MORE about who and what you are, AND your definitive characteristics when you see for yourself what you can handle, not necessarily need to OVERCOME.
And homosexuality is too obviously something these people say MUST be overcome, or else you’re not strong enough for other things.
When really, it looks like the direct opposite is true. Especially since orientation, color…gender…are just a PART of you, not writ so large in real life and doesn’t define ANYONE in full.
Pickup’s own possible weaknesses are being translated into just another assumption that there are more who share it.
That assumption thing is the root of a lot of bone headed motives and intentions. When WILL these folks quit that?
As I pondered some of the ideas presented by Mr. Pickup at lunch today, I wondered how his notion of caveman machismo is going to help anyone change. (Insert audio of grunts and ape-like mannerisms here.) I can verify there are a number of rough and tumble guys I know who could pass a football and throw a mean baseball like any other guy and yet they like to share spit with another guy. And then, I have women in my office who dawdle over the hunks on Dancing with the Stars but you probably have Mr. Pickup thinking these men are too effeminate to be straight. Or the rationale would be: “oh, but they’re professional athletes”. Okay, is John Amaechi just an aberration?
I don’t think so.
Yes, I had red meat today…maybe Mr. Pickup would suggest it should have been raw to make me more of a heterosexual?
Again, I don’t think so.
Ben, you have set a deadline to getting married! Angst! Oh the angst! But, I think you’re right (generally). It’s called the: too-set-in-my-ways syndrome. It is a phase which comes right after buying the Vette and Hog to recapture some missing element in a man’s life. It happens in both straight and gays.
It wasn’t my intention to set a deadline. 🙂 It was just the result of my dating experiences before i met Paul. I was definitely interested, because i know i am at my best in a relationship. But I met too many guys who should have been interested, but weren’t. Eventually, I began to understand that a relationship is a habit just like anything else.
To quote from Pickup’s website:
The disturbing part is I think this is presented as a “worst case scenario.”
Why is it people can’t accept that maybe GLBT people aren’t in internal conflict? Just this week, I was explaining to a pastor what the fact I’m transgender means and his response was to keep asserting that I was who God made me; which in his mind could only be a straight male instead of transgender lesbian.
I can’t help but note how close the exodus view of reparative therapy is to the view of those who promote abstinence only sex education.
A survey some time ago found that the percent of teens who were sexually active by the time they graduated from high school had decrease from 72% to 69% over a ten year period. Abstinence only education was praised for this result even though the decline was more likely due to the fact that teens had become more aware that they too could contract AIDS like anyone else, and were having fewer partners as well as postponing having sex.
Their idea was that if teaching abstinence led only a few more teens to postpone sex until marriage, then their efforts were a tremendous success, no matter the increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies that occurred as a result of the lack of factual information about condoms and so forth that was part of these courses, since anyone who failed to follow their moral dictates deserved their unfortunate fate.
So too, if exodus can only convince a few gays to give up their “sinful ways,” they would also consider this a tremendous success, despite the great harm that might befall others in their programs. What difference does this harm make if these people are going to end up in hell anyway?
In either case, those who promote these programs are of the mind set that salvation is only available to the select few. So if they can convince a few more teens to avoid sex until marriage or a few more gays to give up their same sex relations, then glory hallelujah, they pride themselves in the great work they have done. Anyone else is destine to hell anyway, so what ills befall them in this life as a result of not conforming to their strictures is no concern of theirs.
Arguing the value of a comprehensive reproductive heath education which promotes responsible behavior among those who are sexually active, or promoting respect for members of the LGBT community who chose to live their lives as they are, gets nowhere with them. They refuse to accept the realities of the world around them in the blind pursuit of their “truth.”
Well, it’s amazing how people tend to draw conclusion about things they have little understanding or refuse to understand. I met David almost two years ago, and the men seriously helped during an extreme difficult time in my life.
I started to notice in my teens that I was attracted to other men, but I never identified myself as gay. This continued throughout my adulthood, I began to ponder about why I was attracted to other men. I personally believed that it was because I hated myself as a man and wanted affirmation from other men, I was seeking attention and affection that I never got from my father and as an adult that craving never went away. I also believed my mother from hell had something to do with my belief that I was never allowed to grow into a man.
David’s Workout program only confirmed those beliefs I had. Yes, I am attracted to men, but do not want. I do not want to live my life as a homosexual. It’s my choice. And I have choosen not to live that way. There are thousands and thousands of other men who feel the same way.
Just as the gay community does not like to be told they are living the wrong way. Men who experience same sex attraction do not appreciate the hostile manner in why the gay community states that men with SSA MUST accept their gayness and live a homosexual lifestyle. The gay community hates the SSA movement because it threatens their assertion that homosexuality is inborn and one must accept if it is there. Nonsense.
David’s article about what Christians are not telling is not the same criticism as what the Gay Community is not saying. Christian leader think they have all the answers to overcoming same sex attraction. Sadly, their answers are overly simplistic, and that is what David is getting at.
Mock his program if you like. Your opinion is moot. David’s program is taylored to help the individual achieve what he wants as a man. NOBODY is forced to participate in his program! David has helped me tremendously to feel proud of who I am, be more assertive with myself and with others, and he lives up to his end of the bargain. There were many times I needed to talk to David in a crisis, and he was always available or called me back ASAP. David’s message is clear to those who actually want to hear it.