My experience with ex-gays, ex-gay ministry, and vicariously, with reparative therapy, changed me because it was a learning experience. I’ve always been honest about the fact that change is a relative term with decidedly religious overtones. Furthermore, while I hesitate to say that changing orientation is not possible for some, I am willing to say that I believe it to be highly improbable.
While I described some bizarre practices in Part II, there were some positives derived from the ex-gay therapy experience. Our couples sessions were always quite helpful to us. We learned many great strategies for communicating, and we grew more able to understand and articulate our individual issues. In fact, I’d say that Tdub’s ability to make the straightforward confession of having sought out a same sex relationship (thus ending our marriage), was made possible by growth achieved in therapy. Pre-therapy Tdub was not a forthcoming sort of person with information of that nature and magnitude.
Would I recommend reparative therapy to others? Probably not. I’m not so keen on the methods of the only reparative therapist I’ve known, and I wouldn’t want to take the risk of anyone else going through those sorts of methods. Dr. Throckmorton says he’s not a reparative therapist, but I’d certainly recommend him to someone who felt they must try to change their same sex attractions. However, I don’t believe all gay people need therapy or need to change their attractions any more than straight folks do. Personally, I think it would be just fine if every one of us were issued a few certificates for some free therapy at birth, to be cashed in at some later date.
The most significant lessons I’ve learned from being involved in the world of ex-gay have been from folks I’ve encountered and even grown close to because of my personal blog. Most importantly, I’ve learned that there’s nothing black and white about same sex attraction. Through my blog, I’ve met Christians who are gay and “married” (my friend Brady did have a ceremony here in Texas), gay and celibate, gay and monogamous, and most recently, a Christian who is transgender. All of these folks have come to their place in their faith journey through much prayer, seeking, and study. They are trusting in Christ and figuring things out as they go along, just like me. We have much more IN common than NOT.
And that’s the most important thing I’ve learned.
My journey in, through, and out the other side of ex-gay world has been at times horrific, painful, and agonizing. I use those terms with great humility knowing that I’m not the one who has, in actuality, suffered and paid the greatest price of all. I’m only here to tell my part because of Tdub. My prayers and hopes are that his journey eventually leads him to peace, joy, and contentment with who he is and how God made him. I remain thankful for grace, for peace that passes understanding, and for being trusted by God to live in, and tell of, this story.
Hi Pam,
As always, thank you for sharing your story. You are definitely entitled to consider yourself a survivor (victim) of ex-gay therapy.
I know you don’t recommend ‘reparative therapy’, but I would be interested in what advice you would have to a straight person who discovers their spouse has same-sex attractions? Did you receive any advice/counsel that, in hindsight, was helpful or harmful?
Also, what would you advise a straight person who is considering marrying a ‘successful ex-gay’? (I know one ex-gay ministry advised an engaged ex-gay should only pursue hetero-marriage if he can go one year without ‘acting out’.) Since gay-to-straight change is improbable, should straight spouses avoid taking the risk?
I know these are probably unfair hypothetical questions, but I don’t hear very many stories from the straight spouses of struggling/failed ‘ex-gays’. And yet, hetero-marriage is idolized in Christian culture and ex-gay programs, so it seems there are many straight spouses who are entangled in the ex-gay controversy.
Pam,
Thanks again for sharing your experience. To piggy-back on Norm’s comments, I am guessing that many people who heard that your husband was gay immediately recommended divorce. I think that I would recommend the same, unless both husband and wife wanted to come up with some sort of mutually acceptable “arrangement” for the sake of raising children or some other goal. My question would be: How much of a difference would this sort of outside (?unsolicited?) advice have had on your own decisions? And how effective would this sort of advice be for other straight spouses? Do you think that it would be better recieved from someone like yourself who has “been there?”
Not meaning to interrogate you by any means, but these were a series of questions that occurred to me in reading Part 3.
Norm asked: “Also, what would you advise a straight person who is considering marrying a ’successful ex-gay’? (I know one ex-gay ministry advised an engaged ex-gay should only pursue hetero-marriage if he can go one year without ‘acting out’.) Since gay-to-straight change is improbable, should straight spouses avoid taking the risk?
I would say avoid the risk. I do not think it is fair to the kids. If adults want to take this chance, that is their business, but is it right to gamble with a child’s happiness and sense of security?
It’s not just a matter of “not acting out” for a year. For almost all of my nine year marriage, I did not “act out”. But our sex life was not good. I had no desire for women. Sensing the lack of interest, we both avoided sex. I would “fall” into solo masturbation, repent, fall, repent fall… All of this was a priavte struggle that I attempted to resolve in therapy and prayer.
I had to think about men to reach orgasm — and it would have broken my wife’s heart if I had told her so. She and I both believed that God would “change” me — if only we had enough faith in Jesus. Finally, I could keep up the charade no longer. It was killing us all emotionally. I could not be all that my wife deserved.
Most tragic of all was the pain that our divorce caused my daughter. Decades later, she was still having trouble believing that she would ever find the right guy and get married. She felt like damaged goods — and folks at her Mom’s church told my daughter that “Daddy would never have left you if he loved you enough, loved your Mom enough and loved Jesus enough.”
Now, 30 years later, we all know better. In spite of the emotional trauma of an ill-advised “straight” marriage, our love for each other and for God is deeper than ever. This April, I was proud as punch to walk my daughter down the aisle to give her away to a wonderful Christian straight man who loves her more than life. But, someone with wisdom and authority at the church should have been strongly advised us against marriage — and not just after a year of “not acting out”. Too much is at stake when a child’s heart is involved.
Pam says:
With me they handed out a 3-inch thick coupon book. They must have known…and none of them have any expiration dates.
And Michael:
Is that a guilt-trip or what!? Guilt…that great motivating device. It should come with a prescription since it works so well. So well, in fact, it can change a person’s core personality/id/ego/self-identity in one good potion. Apply liberally.
Pam, beautifully written.
But, as we see, it opened up a whole bunch more questions. I think we’ll have to have a part IV – Pam’s Advice to Women Considering Marrying an Ex-Gay Man.
🙂
Michael Bussee wrote:
Mike, your story reminded me of Mel White’s story and even my late partner/husband’s own story, too. Ed said his sex life was terrible; but, he managed to father a son and two daughters. Ed was married to Jessie for over 13 years.
Pam, thanks for agreeing to tell your story here. I had a college friend who was married to a woman when he had art classes together. He later taught at Oral Roberts U. After his son left the closet, he decided to do this same. Don’s wife, Carolyn, is involved in peer-counseling with spouses whose opposite-sex partner left the closet and she does that with Tulsa PFLAG. Both of them remained good friends and sometimes they both appear at local fun-raising events for the GLBT community and AIDS related causes.
Pam, I believe that you are no longer a victim; you are a survivor.
Oh, in regard to “married” same-sex couples, I just apply what actually happened during Bible times with opposite-sex couples, all a couple back then had to do to be married was to have sexual intercourse. Orthodox Christianity existed for quite a few centuries before folks got legally married by a government official or in a church building. Up to that latter time, if a heterosexual couple lived together, the local church considered them married. It was as simple as that, no ceremony nor legal document required.
What about “Advice to an Ex-Lesbian Woman Considering Marrying an Ex-Gay Man, too”?
Pam…you ROCK! Thank you so much sister. You would be a gift to other women or men who have had your same experience and are looking for someone who understands.
Especially from a position of faith and religious counsel. I know of an organization that does support spouses of the same sex attracted.
It’s non denominational, it’s all inclusive of support, whether the couple is married or divorced.
Which is a good option for those who aren’t religious, but religious people are not excluded.
I have the info around here somewhere for our interested readers.
Michael is right though…his caveat ‘avoid the risk’, is well met. That’s for sure.
This all or nothing directive that comes from faith communities, tends to be very paternalistic, especially towards women and gay folks.
Therefore, to my mind, very unhelpful towards something more workable and fair for all people concerned.
I think your compassion for T-dub speaks volumes on why your brand of faith is THE shining example of being realistic without being caustic and inflexible.
Hugs to you both.
BTW…are you coming to the beyondexgay conference? I sure would LOVE to meet you.
Pam:
Thanks for sharing your story…in all its parts.
j.
Pam,
I read your amazing, powerful 3-parter. I did not realize the full extent of what you and Tdub had gone through. My heart goes out to you both. Thanks for sharing some sobering moments and the wisdom that came out of it all.
Robert
I won’t promise a Part IV (i’ve sworn off “series” posting for good! hee hee!), but I will write another article to answer the questions above….at some point….in the near future….which for me means within the month. 😉
The month of JUNE!
PFLAG supports the spouses of same-gender couples and also the former spouses of gays and lesbians, too. I cannot say that I know Carolyn of the Tulsa chapter that well; but, I do know her ex-husband, Don, and in undergraduate school in the early 1960s when I was an art minor and he was an art major, I called him “Jerry Don.” When I was active in PFLAG, I rarely saw Don at the monthly meetings, but Carolyn was usually there. She was the head of the peer support group for exes of gays and lesbians.
I got to know even more about Don because we both used to be members of the now defunct ORU-OUT, Inc. group which was the “unofficial” organization for Oral Roberts University GLBT Alumni, former students and employees of ORU, still with ORU or not. Don was an art instructor there when I was a grad student in the 1970s. Nobody in Tulsa seems to know why the group disbanded.
Thanks, Pam for courageously (and lovingly) your story, which no doubt has been very painful to have experienced. Your progress, liberation, growth, and healing are so obvious.
Michael:
In fact, christian ministers often advise marriage as a “cure” to what ever GLBT “tendencies” a person has. Such was my case, and I wanted to believe in the “cure.” The results of this ecclesiastic malpractice were predictably tragic for all involved. My two sons have been poisoned according to the prescription dispensed by your daughter’s church members.
Glad to see in the following 30 years there has been some great degree of reconciliation. It gives me hope, as 10 years after my breakup, there has been continuing estrangement.