Cindy Rodriguez, columnist for the Denver Post, attended the peace vigil that Soulforce organized to pray for the end of James Dobson’s persecution of gay people. She spoke with Mike Haley, Focus on the Family’s head ex-gay, about his anti-gay activism and his reorientation. Rodriguez was not impressed.
I wonder: If Haley found a man he loved who was willing to commit to him, would be have remained gay?
Rodriguez is dismissive of Haley and his claims. Perhaps this may be because of her particular political or religious views. But what struck me as most interesting is what Rodriguez said next.
He claims that gay men don’t have long-lasting relationships, but I know many gay men who are in long-term relationships.
As there are ever more gay people willing to live their lives openly, it is ever more likely that people like Rodriguez will know and love them. And when they hear Haley and his tales of woe, they have living examples to contradict his stereotypes and hyperbole.
FOTF has bet on the idea that putting forward people to say “I was once a homosexual” will give them credibility in their culture war against the rights and freedoms of gay people. However, with each passing year it becomes clearer and clearer to the public that the extreme claims made by political ex-gays like Haley are not based on truth.
These callous actions on the part of FOTF may have a devestating impact on those non-political supporters of reorientation. Public perception is now fairly established that all ex-gays are also anti-gay activists. And because the bizarre and extreme nature of anti-gay rhetoric, many now have come to believe that all ex-gays are also dishonest. Clearly, neither of these are true.
But as more people publicly mock the obvious lies of Haley and his crew of politicians, those ex-gays who seek nothing other than understanding for their decisions and their struggles become ever more marginalized.
My brother recently heard from an ex-gay at his work who tried to convince him that being gay was miserable; he replied, “Maybe you were just looking at the wrong men or something.”
This is a clear example of why it’s so important to be visible and open, and why the anti-gay groups are trying so hard to make visibility and openness difficult.
Haley had a realization that 50-year old potbellied men would be in the back of the club at the end. If 50-year old straight men went to a younger club, they too would be left behind. Is it all about being gay? No. There are clubs and bars for older gay people out there. These guys were looking for younger people and went home without. They could go to clubs that cater to bears or an older crowd. When I was in London, I was told that there was a gay bar down the street. My spouse and I walked in and we were the odd ones out. The club was packed, and almost everyone was 50+ having a gay old time. It was more packed than any LA bar I have ever seen. Gay life should not be defined by observations that Haley has made. There are alternatives. And yes, my 14 year anniversary is tomorrow. Blow that out his gays can’t have lasting relationships my ass!
Let’s not forget too that there’s life outside the bar/club scene! I met my partner of 22 years at a party given by a friend. As the old song goes, “Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger…..”
Why is it that these testimonys etc do only seem to make any sense to those who are basically ignorant? Clearly Cindy Rodriguez isn’t, and she isn’t buying only of his nonsense.
And, to add to the point, because Mike Haley choices to step so far off into the realms of the fantastic when talkign about gay people in general he actually causes people like Ms. Rodriguez to question his basic honesty about himself and his own story.
But we enjoyed her feisty style, and her few well-aimed stabs with the stiletto. (That’s a small, narrow knife people. Not footwear.)
Indeedy 🙂
OK — she’s not holding much back on that one! 🙂
I’m thinking Ms. Rogriquez probably had the same look on her face as did that reporter who interviewed Richard Cohen: a look of “I’m not sure I’m actually hearing all this pile of horse-do.”
As a former ex-gay, I can attest that the “gay life is miserable” mantra is the number one scare tactic of ex-gay ministries and therapists. It’s contantly thrown at you: “You might THINK you’d find happinesss in the ‘homosexual lifestyle.’ But you’ll really just experience loneliness, rejection, and relationships that don’t last. You can never be happy.”
And when you are a closeted guy whose only exposure to gay life is an occasional visit to a seedy bar or bath house where you hope no one will see you, it’s easy to believe that “coming out” means a future as the lonely old guy on a bar stool, with no one talking to you.
Well, by the time I finally gave up on it all and came out, I was 50 years old. I was also bald, 20 pounds overweight, and so broke (from my divorce) that I didn’t even own a car. And guess what–I had absolutely no problem meeting people, getting dates, making good friends, and building a really great new life. That includes falling in love with a wonderful man my own age who moved across the country three years ago to become my partner.
Next month, I’ll turn 55. I have the largest circle of friends I’ve ever had in my life. My relationship with my adult children is the closest it’s ever been, because I’m finally able to be my true self with them. My partner and I have a beautiful home and life together. Many of our friends are gay couples who’ve been together 20 to 30 years.
Plus, we go out to the bars at least once a week, hang out with friends, meet new people, and generally have a blast. All WITHOUT ripped abs!
So to Mike Haley along with all my old ex-gay therapists and counselors, I’d just like to say–Shut your piehole!
Thanks for that inspiring story, Nick.
Nick, that was *awesome*. Good for you!!! I’m glad you were able to overcome that programming. I’m glad also for your wife, who is free to be with a man who can love her properly.
What does it say for the RR, that all they have for marketing tools is lies ?