From the AP:

No iPhoneAs a response to Apples’ recent move to drop their iPhone app from the App Store, the leaders at Exodus International have vowed to live without their iToys.  “Contributing our money and computing allegiance to a company that clearly does not represent our values just seemed wrong,” said Exodus president Alan Chambers.  “After all,” he continued, “Apple represents a minor segment of the computer and smart phone market, there are plenty of alternatives.  It would be wrong of us to concentrate so heavily on them when they do not accept us or our worldview.”  Asked to comment on that move by Apple, Chambers said “they are threatened by our personal stories of change.”

Exodus vice president Randy Thomas was in agreement with his boss, but said it was not easy to let go.  “I had already received and named my second iPad — Zack, if you are interested — and I keep my first iPad (Rex) in my bedroom.  It is filled with our conference video to keep me in line should I have those “urges” that any normal not gay but almost holy person sometimes has.”   He further confessed that “it’s not easy to live in this world without an Apple product (Igor the iPhone means so much more to me than just a phone), but God can give me the strength to seek other brands.  The Motorola Droid is a more masculine, gender appropriate phone according to several studies.”  When asked to share references, Thomas declined, calling us “pro-gay activists” and as having a “critical spirit.”  Still, he did remark that my camera man had excellent taste in shoes, to which Chambers nodded in agreement while looking a bit preoccupied.

While the decision to dump their excess tech baggage is made, it’s not clear what they will do with the devilish devices.  Jeff Buchannan, Exodus’ senior director of church equipping and student ministries said he is advising his fellow ex-gays to burn all their iMacs, iPhones, iPads and Apple TVs in a special ceremony to celebrate breaking one more bond with their old lives.  “We considered selling them or even giving them away, but a brief 127 page email sent to me by Robert Gagnon helped me understand that the Old Testament speaks to this, that these devices would not represent God’s best for their new owners.  Without at least our Exodus app to redeem them, these tech toys represent an anti-ex-gay spirit.”

Asked to comment on Exodus and their recent decision, a local Presbyterian pastor and founder of one of the few homeless shelters in the area, Rev. Robert Miller, was somewhat confused.  “Who has time for toys?  We could feed 500 people for  a day on what an iPad costs.”  Miller continued, “We have an old laptop that was donated by a grandmother who received it as a gift. It works, and I can use free Internet at local establishments when necessary.  The laptop doesn’t have a name, unless you mean Dell.”  At that he had to go help a homeless man who was walking with considerable difficulty toward the shelter, revealing a reference to Matthew 25:40 printed on the back of his shirt.

This was our April Fools post for 2011.

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