Three ex-gay ministers dined with former ex-gays during the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference last week.
The three ministers were Scott Kingry, director of Where Grace Abounds, Sonia Balcer, director of Safe Passage, and the independent Karen Keen, who appears prominently in the movie God & Gays: Bridging the Gap, which was shown at the conclusion of the conference.
At her blog, Pursue God, Keen writes:
As we munch on bok choy and shrimp, Scott, Sonia and I listen to stories and concerns regarding ex-gay ministry. Our goal is not to criticize or argue, but to take the concerns seriously and learn how ex-gay groups can improve their ministries. Valid points are made, and I promise to share their feedback with Exodus director, Alan Chambers.
Keen provides an accurate, balanced and thoughtful account of conference events that I attended:
- the number of attendees at one plenary session (130);
- the sincerity of Soulforce executive director Jeff Lutes as he reflects on those who have been injured by ex-gay ministries;
- the Chalk Talk, a workshop in which former ex-gays covered a wall with feelings about their ex-gay experiences.
I did not attend the conference workshop devoted to the Bible, which was led by the Rev. Mel White and the Rev. Nancy Wilson, and so I cannot vouch for Keen’s recollection of White’s admonition to “refrain from discussing the Bible with conservative Christians because fundamentalists have no interest in sincere dialogue.” Nor can I vouch for what seems to be recollected as an over-reliance by Wilson on Biblical passages about eunuchs. I heard from one attendee that this recollection is selective and misses the points being made by White and Wilson.
However, while I don’t know “Laurie,” Keen’s next statement rings true at least in its depiction of the spirit of the survivor’s conference:
After the workshop I conclude my Survivor Conference experience by having lunch with Laurie, an old Bible college buddy I unexpectedly run into at the conference. I haven’t seen her in 10 years, and I am delighted to catch up on her life. During our senior year of college, we were referred to the same ex-gay ministry, Portland Fellowship, along with another student. We drove the 2 hour round trip in her pick-up truck and, when asked by classmates, referred to our weekly jaunts as a “bible study.” In many ways my lunch with Laurie captures the essence of the Exodus Conference and the Survivor Conference– friends who have chosen different life paths.
I confess to some skepticism regarding Keen’s innocuous description of the Exodus conference, but as someone who witnessed polite interaction among an ex-gay-affiliated attendee from Courage, as well as a mix of evangelical, mainline, and non-Christian conference participants, I do believe the choice of different life paths was well-represented within the survivor’s conference itself.
Keen’s article does not have the happy ending that XGW readers might seek — reconciliation and agreement:
I realize I was drawn to the Survivor Conference because I love these people. In some impossible way, I long for camaraderie and unity with ex-ex-gays with whom I have shared so many of the same life struggles and pain. Yet, at the end of the day our roads lead us apart, and I wish it wasn’t so. I leave the Survivor Conference knowing it will be my last ex-ex-gay conference. I feel an ache in my heart—the kind of sadness that comes when breaking up with a lover. Even when irreconcilable differences are clear, and parting is the most honest thing to do, the loss is still felt. I want to take my friend by the hand and walk her down the same path I am traveling, but I know I can’t.
Differences may be irreconcilable, but I confess I fail to see that as a reason, by itself, to end discussion.
I drive back to Concordia University and rejoin Exodus for the evening general session. I listen as the 800-strong crowd passionately sings, You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God. You do not faint. You won’t grow weary! And, my heart finds comfort.
Similar songs were sung at the churches that numerous ex-gay survivors attended on Sunday morning. And so while it’s surely a good thing that Keen finds comfort among her own people, I believe that the common Leader of the Christian gays and ex-gays calls both groups to something More: unity in one Body, not division among different uncoordinated body parts.
I’d like to back up for a moment, to Keen’s participation in the Chalk Talk.
Not knowing the identity of its author, I photographed Keen’s inscription on the wall of remembrance for ex-gay experiences. Here it is:
First safe place to open up and come out of denial.
That’s one statement that could just as easily have been written by a former ex-gay.
It is so encouraging to hear of the small, but important steps taken by both gay and ex-gay leaders at last week. However, it is disheartening that Keen feels this is the end of the road. It has the potential to be a very positive beginning.
Hi there,
I just wanted to add a couple clarifying comments in regards to my blog post. The statement I made about Mel not wanting to engage any longer in the biblical discussion with conservative Christians was not meant to be a negative reflection on him. He has been seriously burned by fundamentalists, and its no wonder that he no longer wants to engage in dialogue on the biblical passages. I don’t blame him. I grew up in fundamentalism and so I know what he is talking about when he says that its not worth engaging because they don’t want to have a sincere dialogue. Even I avoid such discussion on various issues with extreme fundamentalists because there is no use. So even though I have a different position on homosexuality than Mel, I understand where he is coming from.
As for the workshop in general and my representation of it– someone commented on my blog about that–perhaps the same person you are referring to here. We are different people and certainly our own personalities affect our interpretation of events. However, Wilson’s talk really did focus on the use of eunuch in Scripture. She may have addressed other factors, but that is what I remember her talking about the most. I welcome anyone else to share what they learned.
Another clarification–when I talk about how the two groups (ex gay and ex-ex gay) are on separate roads that lead apart, I did not mean to infer that I will not engage in dialogue anymore. I am always open to hearing people’s thoughts and stories. I comment on this a bit in response to someone’s comment on my blog. What I was describing is that the two movements have different goals that cannot be reconciled. I am all for church unity, but there are some things that cannot be unified without comprising our own personal integrity. I am pretty sure no one in the ex-ex gay camp would want to compromise and say that homosexuality might be wrong and encourage people to join ex-gay ministries.
Also, the reason for not returning to such a conference has more to do with not wanting to invade someone else’s sacred space. I was glad I went this time in order to learn and see what was going on. But, wherever I go, I have to be honest about my own life–my walk away from homosexuality–and I don’t think organizers of such events would want me there talking about that. It doesn’t seem respectful.
PS–my innocuous description of the Exodus Conference? Yes, it was innocuous to me and many others. While some people have had negative experiences with ex-gay ministry, not everyone does. We have to be careful about using our own experience to interpret everyone else’s experience. We are individuals. The reality is I had a most awesome time at the Exodus Conference and will look forward to attending another one in the future.
Hi again Karen,
I’d like to explain that the problem I had with your analysis of the workshop wasn’t so much your recollection of events. I think you made a sincere and honest recollection based on your experience. But you are not just the average “Jane” on the street. As an ex-gay leader, you hold considerable influence and power, whether you realize it or not.
Already, more extreme anti-GLBT folk have used your simplistic analysis to mischaracterise the conference and gay Christians. Your comments were quick to appear on DL Foster’s “Gay Christian Movement Watch”, supporting his assertion that Mel’s advice was based on our biblical “fear” because of our “sexual choices” and “false doctrine”. What both you and Foster fail to address is that Mel is actually referring to a system of oppression and abuse that ex-gay groups justify with very selective biblical usage.
It’s true, Nancy Wilson spent a lot of time talking about eunuchs! And Mel White did advise us to not subject ourselves to continued spiritual abuse by debating the Bible with fundamentalists. But the sentiment that came accross in your post was that Nancy said all eunuchs were gay (not true – she states that “eunuch” was an umbrella term that refers to multiple sexual minorities). Mel’s words that “deep down inside you will wonder if they are right” cannot be understood apart from the specific context it was spoken in. And already, these words are being twisted into “we told you so” rhetoric that completely misses the context and point. Oppressed people in patterns of abuse BELIEVE their oppressors. Thats what keeps them enslaved. This is what Mel was communicating to us, who understand this context.
Would Foster and others have used your analysis to justify their comments if you had adequately explained our perspective? Who knows. It would have been more difficult. I’m certainly not saying that you are responsible for his actions. But if you see yourself as a bridge builder (which is good and noble), I hope that next time you are a guest in our sacred space, you will realize the influence that you hold, and more adequately explain the perspective and paradigm that our words are spoken from – to those on your side of the ideological divide.
Ken– I saw the post at GCM Watch that you referred to. I regret that they used my words in that way, and I posted a comment there to that effect. Unfortunately, I cannot control what others do, and no matter what you or I say, someone can easily use our words for whatever purposes they choose. Even with good intentions someone, somewhere, is bound to find fault with something you or I say about this or that.