Exodus and other ex-gay groups tell parents that they should love their gay children. And their resources are abundant with advice that if you reject your child, you’ll lose your child. And if you never have your children around, you can’t witness to them that “change is possible”.
Much of the advice is useful and caring – provided that you come from the position that sexual orientation is fluid and homosexuality is inherently sinful in all circumstances.
But with the discussions about love there are also discussions about boundaries and discipline. Minors are to be what their parents desire, even if that includes a stay at an ex-gay camp. And acceptance of a gay child is never to include acceptance of their orientation.
But what should a parent do if their child is an adult but still living under their roof? Though I saw much advice for parents of adult children living apart and of minor children at home, I didn’t see a solution for a parent that finds out that their college age child is gay.
Do you kick them out? Do you cut off their finances?
That is the response of many parents, as I’m sure readers here could testify. But that can have tragic consequences.
One mother wrote this week to Between the Lines, a gay weekly newspaper in Michigan to tell the story about her son whom she kicked out of her home a year ago.
I told my son that he had to leave my house, that I could not approve of his behavior. I told him that he could come home when he decided to act like the son that his father and I had given birth to.
In this upcoming year I would encourage any of our readers who participate in ex-gay ministries or have other access to parents of gay children to requestion their priorities.
Do you spend as much time, effort, and money on telling parents to love as you do on fighting “the homosexual agenda”? Do your billboards, advertisements, and quotes in the newspaper tell others to care for gay people or are they solely for a culture war agenda?
Perhaps this new year would be a good time for all of us to resolve to heal as much as we attack and to love as much as we condemn.
I went back and read the entire post by this unfortunate woman, and it was heartbreaking. It brings to mind what could have happened to me or any number of other gay youths when we were first coming to terms with our sexuality… let me relate here.
I was raised in a somewhat fundamentalist Christian household. When I was 18 I was going to a vocational school, living with my parents, in the process of coming out to myself, and I started hanging around with other gay/bi guys. After much suspicion due to the company I kept and a lack of interest in women, my parents cornered me and meat-hooked an admission of my sexual orientation out of me. After a long, tearful confrontation where they attempted to use the living situation to muscle me into going to an ex-gay camp, I finally got the courage to throw an ultimatum back in their face. It was basically a back-off or you never see me again type of thing. I would rather have been homeless than forced go to one of those. It may sound harsh, but it worked. I moved out as soon as I finished my schooling, cut off all forms of dependence on them, and almost completely stopped communicating. The rejection hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced before. I fell in with a bad crowd and started partying, drinking, and doing drugs. I seriously contemplated suicide on many occasions. Almost a decade later, I managed to pull myself out of it all with minimal damage, but some of my friends did not, some of them are dead like the young man who is the subject of this womans letter.
I was one of the lucky ones. My parents still do not fully accept me, but we at least are on civil terms. The bottom line here is that this type of situation can be very rough and emotionally charged. I urge anyone who could potentially encounter ejection from their parents household to develop a workable backup plan in advance. For those of you who do not have GLBTQ-friendly friends or family to lean on should something like this happen, PLFAG may be a good resource and open/affirming churches are also a good place for social networking.
Also, how about not suggesting that an all-out war to “convert” your child to heterosexuality is the highest form of parental love?
(I was a month away from college when I was outed to my parents– thanks, sis!– and as a result I very nearly didn’t get to go at all. I’ve also been threatened with disownment and the cutting off of tuition should I “decide to live that lifestyle.” As a result, I’m functionally closeted with my family. It’s a very DADT policy.)
How can anyone claim to “love” their child and, at the same time, toss him/her out because he/she has decided to be the person he.she is, rather than the person you want them to be? As a mother myself, I find such thinking anathema. To me, loving your children means accepting them for who and what they are…you don’t have to agree with them all the time, you don’t have to “approve” of what they do all of the time, but punishing them simply for being who they are is wrong, as far as I’m concerned.
On the few occaisions that a gay teen that was still dependant financially on his parents talked to me about coming out, I have always urged extreme caution. These kids are at risk of rejection and abandonment that could severely restrict their opportunities for success in the future.
Coming out to parents doesn’t always go well. Some things are said reflexively on both sides that make the situation worse. When that happens and you still live in the same house, the situation can become untenable.
If kids have any real doubts about how their parents are going to react, I suggest they wait unitl they are in a better position to take care of themselves or have a backup plan. And even if you think your parents will be cool with it, just read about Cher’s reaction when her daughter came out to her.