Focus runs a number of other websites besides Family.org. In this case they have a site called Boundless.org which has an advice column written by someone only identified as “J. Budziszewski” who’s column is titled “Ask Theophilus:
Dear Professor Theophilus:
I am in the strangest, most painful situation I’ve ever found myself in, apart from my parents’ divorce. A young man is pursuing me. He wants to get married, but he’s not, well, firing on all cylinders. What I mean is that he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. In fact, he doesn’t find women in general sexually attractive. He used to suffer from homosexual desires, and he used gay porn. He no longer has homosexual desires, but he doesn’t have heterosexual desires either. He’s not pursuing help to be restored to sexual wholeness, which makes me wonder what he’s really in the relationship for.
Sounds like a pretty common exgay situation. Not gay anymore but not exactly a raging heterosexual. At least this boyfriend appears to have more of a functioning heterosexual dating life than many self-proclaimed exgays I know of. Sounds like this guy has been pretty “successful” in achieving “change,” terms rarely and inconsistently defined by ex-gay groups.
What’s Focus’ reply?
Okay, I’ll let it loose. Your intuition is right, and the pastor who told you to stick with the fellow should have his head examined: The relationship has to end. Marital love involves union between two whole persons, total self-giving, which cannot be separated from sexual self-giving. If the man doesn’t want eros, then he doesn’t really want marriage; he only wants the legal form of marriage. You are right to be suspicious of his motives.
Mind you, the relationship has to really end — you say you’ve ended it, but obviously you haven’t. End the whole thing, small talk and all. Break off. Don’t see him at all. You’re like someone with an infected tooth. You’re afraid to pull it out because it will hurt. The problem is that if you don’t pull it out, it will hurt much worse, for much longer, and in many more ways.