Christmas greetings from Ventura, my hometown as well as home of the only gay bar between Santa Barbara and LA County. That bar, Paddy’s, serves an important role as a sort of community gathering center during holidays when boys return home [like myself] and others less fortunate can find “family” to spend the day with. Paddy’s has served free Thanksgiving dinner to the needy [and I don’t mean monetary wealth] for years. I went to Paddy’s Friday night and I’ll go again tonight, Christmas, because it will be packed with people I haven’t seen since highschool. I’ll just try and forget Friday’s drag show which was sort of like the SNL sketch of Will Ferrell as Janet Reno.
But on the Peterson, he was one of the few homos online Christmas morning [10am Pacific] so we got to chatting about his Christmas. It’s good to know someone is blogging over the holiday:
How Christmas Made Me “Ex-Gay”
I sat next to him at Christmas Eve dinner last night. Nice guy. German-born, travelled the world with his UN parents, lives in NY. Artist type. In a room of heterosexual family and friends I wondered if this man could be “the one”–the ultimate Christmas gift–a life partner.
We chatted, we joked, I let it slip out a dozen ways that I am gay. The white wine and his open friendly banter made me believe he was too. “I’m heading home tomorrow,” I placed on the table. He countered, “I wish you would stay.”
Next at the Brazilian Christmas Eve bash (replete with non-stop dancing, darts and enough food to save a medium-sized starving village), I chatted some more with the potential love of my life. Did he look extra deep into my eyes?
As my Brazilian friends, in precise heterosexual pairing, danced circles around the gringos, my love, my mate, my life partner to be, broke my heart with a casual aside about a recent girlfriend being Brazilian, then he twirled away in the arms of a blond woman leaving me standing by the basket of bread (the carbs of comfort).
Maybe it was the switch to red wine or the realization that I was probably the only gay man in a room of nearly 20 couples, but I suddenly felt alone, angry, deflated.
This is just the introduction, see the rest of Peterson’s post.
I don’t want to reveal why I spent Xmas day…indeed, this whole last week with a stranger and not any family.
This has been a tough year, of broken family relationships and professional goals and health situations.
Certain realities were revealed about my family and what marriage and all that really means.
Why did I ever love who I did? Why didn’t anything patching those bonds not hold?
We change. Grow old. Less patient. Less energized to maintain the appearance of a happiness that isn’t there.
Folks these days, straight or not-find disposing of their relationships easy at the first real irritation, not serious betrayal or danger to the relationship.
I wasn’t alone this year. Just quietly in the company of a stranger, but somehow we’re close.
He came thousands of miles to be here with me. He’s the son of a famously homophobic, anti gay conservative Christian.
He’s well acquainted with political circles. He’s supported by several celebrities and liberal journalists.
He’s here with me in part because of my own activism, but also we are kindred.
Contentious family, powerful passions and intellectual ideals that roar around our brains.
We have some differences in opinion, but mostly, in the discussions that burn up the air in my home, he plays devil’s advocate.
Which makes for potent study for what I (or we) want to next articulate.
How we got here, was an amazing synergy. That’s another long story.
He cooked our Xmas dinner. We sat down, just us two and enjoyed it.
He called his sisters.
Here we were. Just us two.
Making plans for the future that concerns us in this charged atmosphere of theocon rage and revolution.
We are abandoned people, but found each other.
Just us two, becoming family.
Sometimes, love strikes in places that aren’t traditional or readily acknowledged. Where we least expect it and with who we did’n’t know before.
Not romantic love, but the heart finding for us, new family. New reasons for getting up and making way for another tradition.
Of all the people in this world he could be with. He comes to my door to advise me that my warrior heart should rest.
He’s here and can help.
We’re getting our strength back together.
Call it Providence, love…whatever. Just so it moves…it moves and in beauty.
Thanks for that, Regan. Lots of us find family in non-traditional ways and find tradtional families have abandoned us or only accept us on their terms for our lives.
Dan, could you explain something to me? What’s with the purple outfits of the people in the foreground? I can’t figure out what that graphic is.
Haha, of course. That’s a photo of Janet Reno when she appeared on Saturday Night Live with Will Ferrell who regularly impersonated her on the show.
Janet is on the right.
Posted by: Regan DuCasse at December 26, 2005 01:21 PM
Regan, I find you fascinating – perhaps one day we will meet. I pray that the New Year will be a better place for you.
David
Dan: Thanks. I’m too old to watch Saturday Night Live 😉
Posted by: ReasonAble at December 27, 2005 10:31 AM
Regan, I find myself re-reading and dwelling on your above post – it strikes so close to home. Its certainly been my experience that the family we’re born with isn’t always close to us spiritually or intellectually, sometimes we are polar opposites and the clashes only escalate once we are no longer forced to live together. I’ve known many people with family relationships like that and like you who’ve found deep spiritual connection and love in a stranger who mirrors our heart felt beliefs and goals for a positive humanity. Family isn’t just who you’re born with, its the often the healing, loving and growing caress of someone you share no genes with, just a deep appreciation of the personality before you. Sometimes those are the best connections of all and while we learn much from living with those we may not particularly like (biological family) strangers can sometimes become the best of family. And when there is a romantic attraction that is even recognized through marriage as a relationship more important than blood bonds alone. You verify what so many of us GLBTs are saying, its about love first, not sex and love knows no bounds.
When I think about DL Foster I have to laugh and then I feel sorry for him. You’re respected and loved by the gay community, he is far from it. Thanks again for sharing the intimate pains and triumphs of your life, its a great inspiration. Sending you my love too…
Thanks gang.
Hugs and kisses to you all.