The new documentary This Is What Love in Action Looks Like is the definitive account of one of the most shameful episodes in the 40-year history of the ex-gay movement. It’s the story of what happened to gay teenager Zach Stark at Love In Action, a Memphis, TN-based ex-gay ministry, in the summer of 2005.
Zach, then 16, told his parents he was gay. They reacted badly. “They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they have raised me wrong,” he wrote on his MySpace blog. “I’m a big screw up to them, who isn’t on the path God wants me to be on.”
They enrolled him, against his will, in Refuge, LIA’s teen program. Zach described it as “a fundamentalist Christian program for gays.” For eight weeks he was forced to endure counseling and therapy, both individual- and group-based, in a strictly controlled environment. The object was to turn this gay teen straight.
But Zach’s story, which he tells here for the first time, is just the main thread in a narrative that interweaves several related stories. There is the story of the protesters, including many of Zach’s shocked school friends, who gathered daily outside the LIA facility to show their support for the teenager. There is the story of Lance Carroll, whose parents forced him into Refuge at the same time; in the film, he describes how hearing the protesters outside helped him survive the program. There are also former LIA clients Brandon Tidwell and Peterson Toscano.
And there’s the story of then-LIA Executive Director John Smid. Before I saw this film, I assumed the title was mostly ironic; it’s an account of what Love in Action is and does, but it’s also indictment of the hypocrisy: This is what love in action looks like? Sure.
But what comes through strongly in the documentary is the love of those who rallied around Zach. Local activist Janelle Treibitz says:
We also … came out with, like, a consensus about how we would conduct ourselves in these protests, how we would conduct ourselves to people, to staff members, and … our approach was one of love.
Smid recalls his daily encounters with the protesters:
… I remember driving through, and I heard something different. I heard these people in the streets saying to us as we left, ‘God loves you. God loves you.’ And I just felt a complete shift in the way I perceived the entire process. So for the next week and a half, every time I would come to work or leave, instead of feeling frustrated or angry or embarrassed, I felt loved and cared for by a God that loves me, using whatever vehicle he chose to use to tell me that.
Smid later resigned from LIA and, in 2008, began a new ministry with a different emphasis. In 2010, he issued a formal apology.
Director Morgan Jon Fox doesn’t appear to probe in his interview with Smid; as with other interviewees, he simply allows the subject to tell his story. So there is room for skepticism in evaluating where Smid has come from and where he’s going, and doubtless many gays and lesbians, especially ex-gay survivors, will be totally cynical. My policy is to welcome such steps tentatively, remembering that actions, and not words, will be the ultimate test.
While Fox concentrates on Love in Action, in doing so he provides a wider sketch of the ex-gay movement and its abuses. What we see of Love in Action in the documentary is not an isolated case; the denial, false hope and misguided love pervades the message and ministry of ex-gay groups across the world. That the story is told largely through interviews with those most intimately involved with the LIA controversy only makes the film more compelling here.
Other key players in the story declined to be interviewed. They include Zach’s father, Joe Stark, who stands by his actions, and Alan Chambers, Executive Director of Exodus International, the umbrella organization of which Love in Action is its oldest member ministry.
This Is What Love in Action Looks Like had its premiere in June, 2011.
Other upcoming screenings:
- August 27th at SHOUT, the Birmingham LGBT Film Fest
- September 10th at the Austin Gay & Lesbian Film Festival
- September 20th at ReRun Theatre, in New York City
- September 29-Oct 6 at OUT ON FILM, the Atlanta LGBT Film Fest
- November 4th at Indie Memphis Film Fest
- November 3-12 at REELING, the Chicago LGBT Film Fest
My formal apology was one of the first outward decisions to an ever morphing transition since my resignation from Love in Action. I attended the first premier of “This is What Love In Action Looks Like” in San Francisco, CA. To read my own account of the weekend I spent surrounding the premier please:
click here.
I attended the premier primarily for two reasons. The first was that I felt a sense of responsibility to be present due to the role I played in the negative impact on these young men who participated in the Refuge Program. My second reason was to stand with my friend Morgan Fox to show him my support for producing this documentary.
As I continue down this path of self evaluation and personal journey it is my hope that I will be able to continue to make amends where I can, and to be helpful with those who desire to reconcile their faith and being gay in more positive ways than I have in the past.
John J. Smid
Hi John,
In the beginning, I was simply someone who wanted to know what an ex gay person was and how they got there. I’m a very curious person, and I take it for granted that attaining information and a person being forthright regarding their experience would make the experience an easy one.
Indeed, ex gays and those who support the industry make many claims, assert those claims and advertise everything as truthful and successful.
Until someone wants to dig deeper, engage their investigative interests and share their findings. Even basic observations on methodology and so on, can get stonewalled. I certainly was. And I found a distinct pattern of disingenuousness on the part of avowed ex gays. And that was in their socio/political agenda, and the damage already done. To say nothing of validating every suspicion, stereotype and perception of gay lives possible.
I was very frustrated by this stonewalling. And lack of depth or individuality in ex gays.
The libel that gay people indoctrinate youth, while Christian influence occurs while a person is still a child, is the height of hypocrisy.
And I never appreciated anti gay people taking it for granted I shouldn’t know about gay people FROM gay people.
I’ve said it often that if someone should learn about Jews, their lives, historical influence or the libels against them and being a Jew, the source should be a Jew. Not a non Jewish anti Semite.
Nor, a converted Jew who was raised in an environment where his identity would be libeled and forced to be rejected. Such as in the case of Soviet Jews.
As for the psychological aspects of systemic anti gay issues. I place being ex gay somewhere between the way black children’s psyches could be damaged by Jim Crow and living in such a social hierarchy.
And the way normal curvy young women risk anorexia because of our society’s unrealistic and unhealthy obsession with being thin.
That is to say it’s not homosexuality that’s unhealthy and wrong, but how society at large is taught to respond to it.
Religious belief has and can evolve. Particularly with human progress and scientific revelations regarding human behavior and sexuality.
Homosexuality has been universal and indigenous to ALL human life, unlike religious belief. And has always been a constant and virtually unchanging part of it. Giving evidence to it’s biological and inherent nature.
Ex gays of all backgrounds have a lot to answer to. They have confused straight people into believing that one’s orientation is changeable. And placing the onus of responsibility of doing so on a gay person, without considering, EVER what would have to be done to change from hetero to gay.
There is a difference between someone passing for straight. Or a straight person assuming someone was straight, and when it was SAFE for a gay person to tell them the truth. Or never considering why it’s NOT safe for a gay person to be honest.
I appreciate your sea change. But it seems a drop in the ocean, my friend.
I would be the first to support someone’s conversion. I really would. If, IF it were done without a world of suspicion and threat to coerce it.
What truth is there in someone’s change of mind on pain of torture?
What trust is there in one’s identity, obtained in a time of punishment, loss and lifelong isolation? There IS no choice to be gay, nor one to be hetero either.
A choice between a rock and a hard place isn’t a choice to be touted by the ex gay industry.
The same straight people who are convinced that gay people got that way from some kind of abuse or void in their lives, are quick to deny that systemic bigotry and discrimination is abuse, as are laws that put voids in gay lives.
And ex gays are guilty of reinforcing the former, while also denying the latter.
I have resented, for a long time, the disingenuous and outright denial in the nature of ex gays.
I’ve even been on the receiving end of some outrageous abuse and slander from them.
I don’t especially like to generalize. But little is differentiated by any of you and I’ve been looking for the truth for years and years. That is in fact, how I found XGW and the folks here have proven themselves to be very honest and generous with telling me about themselves and their experiences. Or when sharing it on this site.
Straight folks like me deserve to know. We deserve the truth and deserve to not be confused with denial, phony compassion or the dishonesty of passing for what one is not.
We deserve it, if not as much as the gay community who deserves it the most, and
deserves to be able to be the ones to TELL it.
What distinguishes a decent and sincere straight ally, is that we LISTEN to gay people, believe them and know we’re in no position or have the qualifications to dispute them or their experience. We have no reason to believe a non gay, anti gay person, over someone who is gay.
An ex gay would go a long way in sincerity if they told straight folks the same thing. It’s the gay folks who own the truth of their lives. But I don’t count on that. Not at all.
As I said, you’re a drop in the ocean. But I wish you good luck anyway. A lot of gay kids out there need supportive families and other social networks a LOT more than they need the ex gay industry.
Oh and…a few weeks ago, I found something out about a very dear young friend of mine. He’s a sunny, sweet natured wonderful kid. He’s 24 now, but I’ve known him since he was 18.
His family forced him to choose between an ex gay program…and them.
He nearly broke up with his boyfriend of six years because of it. This all happened very recently and now my friend is estranged from his parents and siblings. They want no more to do with him.
The hurt in his face and voice just about did ME in. He went into that program for FIVE MONTHS. He couldn’t follow through.
His family doesn’t think much of his effort or him. And he doesn’t have them anymore.
Sometimes I can’t f**king believe that parents will throw their gay kid away for DOGMA. For an intangible being, and make the sacrifice to a faith community that isn’t THEIR flesh and blood!
No matter how successful, wonderful and loving that kid is.
I’ve met the parents of murderous GANG members who stay more faithful to their child than the parents of gay kids.
So, I’ve gotten worked up all over again in hating the ex gay industry. This isn’t any kind of good coming from it.
That’s as honest as I can be with you.
I had suspitions for years that my young son may grow up to be homosexual due to his extremely feminine characteristics and mannerisms. For me, having grown up the baby girl after 6 older brothers, I have always been a “tomboy” and I never dreamed in my wildest dreams that I, of all people, would have a gay son. I used to be a model and did the whole runway thing along with the traveling around for auditions, photoshoots, etc… I can play the girly girl part and to some point I am that girl, but at the same time I would come home from those gigs, strip out of the skimpy clothes, and stiletto heels, pull my hair straight back in a messy ponytail, wash off the make-up, put on cut off sweats and old shirts and go into my chicken coop and roll in the sawdust playing with my chickens and all the other managere of animals I have, maybe go off roading, motorcycle riding or go jump off the dock into a lake (that may have algae in it) is what and who I am. When my son came to me recently and admitted he thinks he is gay my first response was to punch something…I am not angry at my son, I do not “blame” him or make things worse for him by making him feel worse than he already does. Though he knows I am uncomfortable with this, I at the same time try my best to be supportive and tell him over and over that if he truly is homosexual, he was born that way, but if he is bi-sexual, I encourage him to try to fight the urges to be with another male. I don’t know if that is right or wrong but that’s what I do because I don’t know what to do. I saw a medical program one night that went in depth on the human brain showing a developmental difference between the brains of heterosexuals and homosexuals. There were 2 large groups of people involved in the study and MRI’s were done of their brains. The tests concluded that there is a remarkable difference in the brains development between both sexualities. So, there it is, proven, that it isn’t a choice to be gay any more than being born crippled or blind or with Downs Syndrome. It is the way it is. I have known homosexual people of both sexes, and for the most part, the women were accepting and pretty comfortable with their sexuality, BUT believe me, there wasn’t one man that chose nor wanted to be “that way”. So, I, trying to remain “open minded” and reviewing all the scientific studies and proof available, am still struggling with the fact that “my” son is “gay”. My anger is that I can not stand the idea of another male touching my son or vise versa. I am fiercely protective of my children and feel that a male putting his hands on my “child” ( who is in his late teens) brings out the lioness in me as if they were to be a predator or threat to my cub. Having friends and family members that are gay, bi-sexual or whatever the proper terminology might be, I have never, ever thought anything of it other than thinking that I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be attracted to the same sex. Now, all of a sudden when I hear the words, that only confirm what I already knew, I really don’t know how to handle this. I am a true christian but absolutley believe that whoever one falls in love with cannot be compared to the real abominations, pedophiles, cold blooded murderers, and the like. I believe that my God, the Almighty true and merciful loving God, cares about who we are and who we choose to be. Our character and how we live our lives is what we will stand in judgement of. In the bible it says that God’s wrath is great, BUT so is his mercy. I don’t know all that God really wanted us to know because so much was lost in translation as well as Pontius Pilot conveniently putting his spin on it, but what I do know is that we are judged on the things we choose to do, good or bad, and I do know that homosexuality is not a choice. I also know that eternal judgement is for my Father in Heaven, not mortal man. In a nutshell, we are all the same. We are all sinning each and every day and Pat Robertson who told one mother that “her son would be damned forever” is a completely reckless, careless and dangerous individual. He, solely, could be the cause for frightened, and confused children to take their own lives. Could he, in his holy’r than thou glory, justify his causing so much pain to these children who are already suffering, that they commit suicide feeling that they are abominations? Any followers of Christ know the commandments. Pat Robertson appears to believe that he is above those same commandments, and rather than follow God, himself, and refrain from judging others, he goes on a “condemnation” spree. Here’s one for ya… Take the plank out of your own eye before worrying about the splinter in the eye of your brother, and love thy neighbor as thyself. These are the same children who have been made by the same perfect and flawless God that so called Christian” preachers claims to speak of and even represent? We are here to love and help one another, and though the love part is very challenging, if not impossible with certain individuals/situations, I do want to love them even if I can’t make myself do it. I think God sees THAT and rather than punish me for that, he sees what is in my heart. I am not perfect, not even close, but I want to be. No matter who I or anybody else falls in love with will not change who we are or the eternal condition of our soul. Religion aside, sexuality doesn’t make or break a person, make a homosexual any better or worse than you or I. so onward I go, still trying to figure out how to deal with my own feelings on the matter, but a little more angry over seeing the ignorance posted all over the internet…no wonder people stay “in the closet.” SO TO ALL THE SO CALLED CHRISTIANS, CHRIST SAID,”HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN, CAST THE FIRST STONE.” I ask that those people, leaders, what ever they wish to call themselves, read the bible again and think it over.
@Regan DuCasse
Regan, I wish I could have said it that well!!
Dawnie- I’m curious, how would you feel about a man putting his hands on your daughter. What would make it different, if anything?
Dawnie, Hi! I hope you’re reading this. I don’t know where you live or what your access might be. But I highly recommend finding a PFLAG chapter in your area and attending the meetings. These are open, non judgemental environment for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
There are parents who share your experience and can walk you through it. When you admitted you wanted your son, if he’s bi-sexual to choose not to be with men, your trepidation is understandable, but your advice is still tinged with expectations that are unfair and unlikely.
He’ll go, and he should, where he’s most happy.
Lesbians tend to be less scrutinized because of the contradictions regarding women. Women are considered weaker and more malleable, so less rigid in what people think they can make them do.
Women in general can get away with public affection, with having more intimate relationships than men can. Women are less threatening in general, so no one looks at them that way.
It’s unfair that males who are affectionate (gay or not) who want to be demonstrative, are discouraged because it can literally attract violence. Which is a horrible shame.
In a way, the standards of how we express love, as opposed to violence and how either is accepted, is a terrible stain on our priorities and claims to be a civil and freedom loving society.
I started out similarly to you. That is to say, I’m a woman who was never a girly girl. However a long career as a dancer and athlete afforded me a lot of physical strength, mixed with a lot of grace. Which balanced things. But I’m tall, and I shave my head. I was never one for any kind of feminine conventions or expectations.
I think you might, as I do, understand individuality. Making a statement of one’s own, by being self assured and creative.
This is something NOT appreciated by strict religious communities, nor political ones. As evidenced by how the strictest said communities dress and how isolated they stay from anything that is independent and unique.
That kind of fear is not healthy. And gay people obviously are forced to live down ancient, primitive and reactionary teaching, while the rest of the world enjoys human connection, and experienced more than ever before in our 21st century. Our need and human nature to explore, question, be curious and brave has been essential to our survival as much as compassion, discipline and procreation is.
I find nothing noble in so many people being determined to stay uninformed and fearful of gay people without considering the potential lost in the meantime.
If anything, gay people test the moral courage of those who constantly claim to have it, and gay people all over again, can make anyone see how lacking they really are.
If a gay child, or one thought to be can be killed, then our moral soul as a race is what’s in danger as it has been over other members of our human family before.
Give your son room for his wings. In that he’ll stay closer to his roots on his own. I appreciate that you love and care for him so much. But he can teach you and the community around you what’s what. And that’s as it should be.
And most of all, this is what I’ve tried to impart to the anti gays most of all. That when I was very young, and embraced my gay friends unconditionally and invited them to teach ME about their needs and wants and dreams…what I got back was SOUL LIFTING GOLD.
The smallest kindness of listening, and bearing no distrust or fear, gave me back so much love and trust…I’d rather die than break that trust.
From somewhere, I get the words, the courage, the strength to do what has to be done. You will too when you love like that. You get more back a thousandfold.
Believe.
Does anyone know when this will be out on DVD? Love to see it.
I’m grateful to those who are making this film – especially Peterson Toscano, who has given so much of his time and energy retelling what he experienced inside the walls at LIA.
I wish more people who have been through this hell (at LIA and in other ex-gay programs) would speak up, but I can understand why someone would not want to relive it again and again.
In all of the criticism that the NPR story on ex-gay issues of two weeks ago generated, I wish more had been said about how important it is that there are some ex-gay survivors like Peterson who are willing to use their experiences because it helps others.
Thank you to all the ex-gay survivors willing to speak up. It matters.