“When I turn 30, I plan to be straight … I’m hoping it’s just going to be a phase, because I never chose to be gay. I never wanted to be gay.”
So said 19-year old Shane on Wednesday’s Tyra Banks Show. Shane is gay, but finds gay men “weak and disgusting.” Men are “supposed to be alpha,” he says, but gay men aren’t. And older gay men are creepy. (They stalk 16-year-old boys on the internet, apparently.)
I wanna have a family, like, with a wife and a kid and a dog – it’s like the old cliche. … I wouldn’t be satisfied with a guy, like, it’s just pure sexual, and I feel like emotionally I’m supposed to be with a woman. Technically I guess I’ll probably still be gay [at 30] … I’ll probably still have my sexual urges, but I’m just gonna try and force myself to be with a woman, I guess. I think if you’re gonna be a guy, then be a guy.
Where to begin deconstructing this nonsense? I feel no offense from the guy himself. He’s young and obviously very confused, though he says it’s all “clear” in his mind. He feels that way because he’s been fed a very limited and warped view of what it means to be “gay.” Doubtless his idea of homosexuality is based on his exposure to just one gay subculture. He admits to having “hook-ups” where he’s “forced” to do things he doesn’t feel comfortable with. If this kind of experience is defining his sexuality for him, is it any wonder he doesn’t want it any more? He needs someone to tell him he can be who he wants to be. He can be who and what he is comfortable with. He can have love and contentment and self-respect without suppressing his sexuality.
The ex-gay movement won’t tell him that. Too many ex-gay and anti-gay ministries trade on limited perceptions like this, exploiting the negative experiences of their followers and telling them that being gay is the problem. Unfortunately, there are many gays who will not tell him that either. There are many who, like Shane, have bought into the idea that being gay is about being in a particular ghetto, living a certain lifestyle and adopting certain values. So it is unsurprising, if sad, that when a person wants to escape from that milieu, they feel their only option is to deny their sexuality and try to be “straight.”
There is only one answer to this situation: honesty. And here’s the honest truth: Shane, you can have happiness. You can stay away from the gay bars and the gloryholes if you want, you can say no to casual sex, and you can have a partner who loves you and respects you. You can build a family and, dammit, you can even have a white picket fence and a dog if you want. And you don’t have to change a thing about your sexuality.
Yeah we’re gonna see him in 20 years with the biggest gay blog there is.
We are what we are.
Resistance is futile.
Just ask Ted Haggard.
I just thought: aren’t aspiring ex-gays (pre-ex-gay?) themselves proof that gay stereotypes are wrong? Supposed gays don’t want families, but pre-ex-gays want families. Gays want crazy, anon sex, but pre-ex-gays don’t. Gays are psychotic, God-haters but pre-ex-gays are not. Since pre-ex-gays are gay, this is an awful contradiction.
On a hopeful note, it’s good to hear he already realizes he won’t be straight; only gay-repressant. I wonder where he got that idea?
Ugh. I’ve never watched Tara but apparently the show is trash like most other daytime talk shows. Neither tara nor the poor boy sounded very intelligent.
But I can relate. I remember at one point in college telling my accountability partner “Ive read the books and am in a extgay ministry and now i’m starting counseling. I think this is the last step I need to take!”
I look back now and just shake my head. But hope is a powerful thing. I give the kid a break, it took me 8 years to come to terms with my sexuality and that after much heart break. I’m not into forcing anyone to be gay (or straight) but simply letting it play out. I have faith that he’ll come to terms with who God created him to be.
But that poor girl… esh!
Poor guy! I hope he comes to terms with who he is in due course. I’ve just watched part 5 of the show, and it’s clear from what he says there that his fundamentalist Christian upbringing is at least one important cause of his difficulties with self-acceptance.
So…he wants to be a straight stereotype because he doesn’t like being a gay stereotype. Somebody sure did a number on this guy. It’s very sad.
I just hope that whatever kind of life he wants to live, whether it’s a gay one or a straight one or anything in between, that it’s HIS decision.
this is shane from the show
a lot of it was a joke
people fail to understand that
gays take shit too seriously
Who can blame him for not wanting to be a part of the “UNHEALTHY” sect of the gay stereotype. I think where he goes wrong is that he doesn’t see the healthy gay men and women that there are.
I’m a young gay man, and part of the gay society revolts me. I know that it is no more preverse/raunchy than many secs of the straight culture, but seriously… much more pronounced and “celebrated” in the gay culture.
I think in his immaturity, he sees what he doesn’t want, and is letting that control his life. He’ll mautre and see things with a more holistic view. He’s a young guy….
I did not buy this at all. It seems to be treated as real, but they came across as acting. I was asked to be on a show like this once, but they then asked who could I bring on to create conflict with. I wanted to show legitimacy to being gay–they were encouraging a joke atmosphere.
The statement was particularly disturbing: “but I’m just gonna try and force myself to be with a woman”
This is a pretty cruel statement if it was actually lived out on some poor unsuspecting woman . . .
Karen K,
Yeah I thought that was disturbing too, and unfortunately I understand where he’s coming from. For me, it resulted in a heartbroken ex-fiancee which took me years to forgive myself for. Not something I’d recommend!
His next statement was also pretty bad: “I think if you’re gonna be a guy, then be a guy.” Since I’m a guy who happens to be in love with a guy, I guess that makes me a woman according to Shane.
I am glad that someone else brought up the issue of this hypothetical woman. Many have commented on his unrealistic attitudes toward his own gayness, but his view of women is equally unrealistic. Women are not dolls that sit on the shelf and smile all the time. They have their own wants and needs.
Also, in many of the heterosexual relationships that I see, the women are often the ones making the most important decisions and the men are going along for one reason or another. I am not talking about unhappy relationships, and I am not talking about men who are the least bit feminine.
I think a lot of us went through the “self-hate” phase; I know i did. And the “this is just a phase” phase as well. And I also wanted the “American dream” of a white picket fence and grandchildren playing on my front porch. So I can see where this young man is coming from. And it give one a sense of worth when they say to themselves, “I am like this today, but tomorrow I won’t be.” The problem with that is, you wake up and you’re still the same person, and all the feelings and emotions are still there. And you’re still gay.
The other think I noticed about him that was something that stuck close to home was the “force myself to be with a woman.” I thought if I got married that magically the sacrament of matrimony would provide me enough sanctifying grace to completely wipe out my sexual urges. If that were true the Orthodox Churches would be bottling up Matrimonial Sanctifying Grace and selling it by the case load. It doesn’t happen. And to USE a woman in that manner, for me personally, is a sin because it is abusing another person for sellfish motivations.
Marriage, or “being with a woman,” having children by her, etc. is about forming a relationship, which in religious terms means a relationship bonded by G-d’s grace. I know there are some who will bring up St. Paul’s saying to marry if you got the urges, but it’s a recomendation not one of the 10 commandments, and it’s a poor recomendation for our day (I can’t speak for his own – St. Paul’s – generation).
I think what the gentlman in this show needs is to be exposed to “normal” gay people, normal LGBT people. It is easy to see stereotypes, but once you get to know someone who is gay, lesbian, transgender, and realize we are human beings, one’s understanding of oneself becomes clearer.
How OLD was Tia? In a way, and I really don’t mean to be unkind, but she herself almost typified a woman with self esteem issues of her own, who this kid would get away with ‘finding himself’ on. There was something underdeveloped in Tia, who looks MUCH older than her boyfriend.
A gay young person such as himself, hating gay people and himself because he IS gay, shouldn’t surprise anyone.
What frosts me is the denial about that from the very factions who calculate and foment that gay people hate themselves and each other.
For these young men to paste themselves on such a forum, at risk of being humiliated, isn’t healthy either.
This vividly reminds me of the ‘doll study’, done by the Clarks in the early 50’s. It was one of the most and first comprehensive studies on the psyches of black children and the effect of Jim Crow on their emotional health.
It was instrumental in the Brown vs. Brd of Ed. decision on how separating children and TEACHING them that they were inferior and utilizing public contact that reinforced this was wrongful and un Constitutional.
One could legitimately fast forward this same issue with regard to gay young people and that religious belief does compromise their Constitutional rights to free association and freedom from fear.
Public schools, churches and other institutions that have MAJOR influence on our society should not be allowed to interfere with the healthy emotional growth of a child whose only issue is their biological attribute that said schools and churches isolate UNFAIRLY to that child’s proven DETRIMENT.
ELEVEN years?! This is how LONG this youngster has given himself, and if his goal’s shelf life degrades…then what?
Suicide?
He’s in need of some positive reinforcement for sure. And so is Tia too.
Because as rightfully pointed out, USING someone for self esteem or to not have to face certain realities and issues in life and take responsibility for them, isn’t right and certainly not the direction to take either.
Has anyone checked in on our old friend Chad Thompson.
Because when I talked to him, he was 27 years old.
And he didn’t understand EITHER, that women, especially those close to HIS age, unless they WERE of some low esteem range themselves, wouldn’t put up with him.
And why would he assume that he’s got what it takes to attract HER for the right reasons?
I bet he’s still single, and if he isn’t…he either married a woman WAY older or WAY younger than himself (inexperienced for comparison), or she thought she could change him or hold him.
Either way, it’s not what it really needs to be for it to be honest, healthy and with the right reasons in place.
The idea that the onset of Aids brought out the religious right in full media force for the first time ever against homosexuality, really drives this entire ex-gay idea of the “Shane’s” of the world home. Those born in the 80’s onward had a much more blatant intense religious/sexual battle to navigate, with many sinking in the war.
There is what I call an addiction to avoidance in the “Shane” “Haggard” casualties meaning, they simply avoid at all costs entertaining the thought their religious beliefs may be erroneous. Shane grew up in a strong Christian household being programmed from birth, his sexuality being progressively tainted with religious fear. Same with Exodus CEO Alan Chambers. It’s what could be coined mass religious hypnosis, expressed by living an avoidance lifestyle. As with any addiction, it’s always easier to suppress reality rather than confront it. I don’t believe it is just the “Shanes” or “Alans” of the world addicted to avoidance (purely my analogy), but even more so their straight homophobic mentors/”enablers”, teachers parents pastors etc that keep the addiction enabled and running smoothly on track. It’s like they are all in a mass trance refusing to wake up.
The “acting out” part of the avoidance addiction with Shane is his desire to not be gay and be “normal” as are any other facets of self censoring behaviour against being fully functionally gay. In this case, Shane has an obsessive compulsive intent to be “normal”. Hopefully he will get a clue/help before he’s “30”.
I find it useless battling with an addict that doesn’t want help. It’s like trying to force an alcoholic to quit drinking. Won’t happen. Hence we make laws against their behavior, which is what we are similarly doing with the intent of overturning Prop 8, allowing the law of gay marriage to stand. Rock on.
PS. There are 4 more parts to this Tyra show that are also quite interesting;
https://www.queerty.com/the-self-hating-gays-who-will-wish-themselves-straight-one-day-20090219/
Karen K — I didn’t mean to blow off your questions but I got a horrendous flu that took me out for a bit, then the thread closed. Probably a moot issue now, but let me know. Best to you.
I believe there are positives. It seems to me he knows what is going on and understands very clearly that his sexuality is an integral part of him, and he would have to regress and repress it in order no be non-gay identified. He already stated, he will be straight by 30. That means he knows he is going to struggle to change who he is. And he also proven to himself that homosexuality is natural and not an addiction of some sort. If he really wants to be straight why not start tomorrow? Why not go to an ex-gay ministry and get “change”.
I think I’ve found his youtube account.
Maybe he just shouldn’t put a label on himself. He should just live his life for a while and see what happens. Just be honest!
The comment above from “Shane” has been verified with a reasonable degree of certainty to be authentic, i.e. the same Shane who appeared in the show. There was a delay while we checked on that.
Shane,
What about it was a joke? I fail to see the humor.
If you were acting, you still represent a portion of the population that struggles through what you charactorized. What did you represent about yourself that was not true?
Please. Do enlighten us as to what you perceived the joke to be about.
Thx
Yeah, I don’t really get the joke either. I assumed some of the more outlandish statements were a sign of Shane’s immaturity rather than a deliberate attempt to be tongue-in-cheek.
I have to agree about the joke being a joke. One, he was talking about how he hates effeminate gays, but he is quite effeminate himself. The strange relationships also suggest a joke. His knowing way of looking like he was saying something that was not true. It could be true somewhat, but he seemed to be stroking it.
Okay this is the real Shane again.
I’m going to elaborate on what was a joke and what wasn’t
the cave thing was a joke cause i said that when i was a 15 year old stoner before i ever saw one(I don’t watch porn so i’ve never seen one except irl)
the being gay when im 30 was exaggerated
i said i would like to be with a woman by that age cause sometimes i do feel like im attracted to women but most of the time im not
the skyler tia and i situation wasn’t exaggerated.
It’s not as dramatic as it sounds though
skyler was a pretend gay for attention
dated me to get “cool”
people ended up hating him for pretending to be gay and everyone wanted to kick his ass
he dated tia like 6 months later
at first because he wanted to use her to get more friends but then he fell in love with her.
he lied on the show when he said they didn’t have sex cause i know for a fact they did.
you can tell he does too cause after he said that everytime it shows him he keeps looking over at tia all scared..
the pokemon gay devil thing wasn’t a joke
my mom is just crazy
im not being influenced by christianity seeing as im athiest and i don’t believe in it.
I guess what i meant was i want to have my own family with my own kid from my spermage and thats kinda hard for a guy.
I honestly wouldn’t mind being with a gay guy if i found a decent one but i live in hodunk south dakota so at the time i thought all of them were the same.
This was recorded like 6 months ago and btw i was on a lot of pills on the show and i was still kinda drunk lol
if you have any questions just ask.
oh and also
i never said that tid bit in the beginning about gay guys being disgusting and weak.
they added that themselves
another also
i think this would go smoother without flaming thx
Thanks for responding, Shane. Let me just be candid and ask you a couple of basic questions about this. Do you consider yourself gay, or more precisely, do you have sexual and emotional attractions mainly toward men? Or would you consider yourself bisexual?
I’m also curious as to what your motivation was to be on the show, and how it came about. How did they find you and the others? Did they pay for the appearance?
I am somewhat familiar with the area you come from in SD. Stereotypes are really just that — gay people come in all flavors and most are pretty much like anyone else. Perhaps a change of location would help 😉
I would also suggest you be very careful about the idea of getting married to a woman unless you are sufficiently bisexual that you can devote your love and attention to her in the ways that she deserves. We’ve seen the tragedy that more often than not comes from opposite-sex marriages done in spite of same-sex attractions.
You do have opportunities to have children (with a surrogate for example) should you find yourself at that stage in life (i.e. mature and stable relationship, income, desire to make the commitment). Consider those alternatives when and if the time comes.
Shane, all I can say is be honest with yourself!!! If you are attracted to both then you are, if you’re not, then accept it. I spent thousands of dollars over five years of therapy to try and make my gay feelings go away and for awhile I thought that being with a woman was what I “really” wanted, but it was just trumped up feelings because in my own mind I defined a “real” man as the guy who got the girls. Not saying you’re doing the same, but just an fyi that sometimes the confusion and contradictory feelings come from trying to be something you wish you could be and by not being who you really are. Don’t try to be X-type of person, be the wonderful person that God made you to be. You will find true happiness there. Good luck my friend!
Devlin:
Thanks for providing the link to the other portions of the show. It makes the first part a little more understandable.
Shane:
It’s good that you have goals and that there are things you want to accomplish in your life, but as we say in Spanish, “A que precio?” At what price? You’re still young so you have a lot of time to decide on a lot of things, but you also have the opportunity to learn and explore things in a safer way than a lot of us older guys have. It’s like the saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.” (Of which I would add, “don’t get used to kissing frogs while trying to find your prince!”)
You might want to do what the other guy in the show who went with his aunt to explore the “gay world.”The gay community is very diverse. When I came out I was very lucky to have my friend Carlos. He showed me all the night clubs in El Paso and Juarez. He introduced me to people, and showed me there is more to the gay scene than just pick up bars. I was exposed to it all and made my own decisions what I wanted to participate in and what I would refrain from based on who I am and what I believe.
Shane, imagine all the people watching. Who, despite knowing it’s a show….won’t really know what a joke it was.
There are enough young folks such as yourself who are VERY confused and have no way of thinking there is any humor in what you said or did.
You’re from SD, where I’m sure you are in a VERY tight minority with little support.
If you care, what you did will have influence on some OTHER Hodunk living kid, and not in a good way.
Your being on a bunch of fences right now, trying to find your way and mostly not dealing with it too well, is understandable, even forgiving.
But you might find yourself at 30, a sexual wasteoid, still fumbling around thinking that such sexual confusion is hip and YOUR business.
But you were on the verge of pathetic THEN. Maturity is a gift, and morbid sexual immaturity isn’t attractive at all.
No normal straight woman should put up with it, no gay person should either.
YOU went on tv. YOU went public and so, therefore put yourself in the position of having your head examined publicly.
I appreciate you being here. But I already mentioned someone you never heard of that used to be here and has lectured all over the country convincing his public and himself that he’s really able to be straight.
I talked to him EXTENSIVELY and red flags jumped out at me: saying he could be straight was his meal ticket, but putting such a thing into PRACTICE hadn’t happened yet for him to know.
From our chairs, your ambiguity isn’t too healthy. We’re experienced and know what we know. Some from personal experience already past thirty.
Most of the ex gays we know, especially those whose roadshows almost exclusively talk about the same gender stereotypes over and over, haven’t really had their sexuality tested in ways they would care to make public as much as the superficialities have.
I’m just sayin’, kid.
Experience matters, and predictability does too.
And you’re very easy to read here.
I’ve witnessed from friends, and for myself….that when a social structure isolates you to hate being what you are, and all around you know that it’s exhausting and perhaps dangerous to BE who you are, you’ll look for relief from it in any way you can.
It only LOOKS easier, it’s SOLD as easier to be heterosexual, but frankly it isn’t.
And those around you who influence all this, don’t have to live YOUR life. Do the work or sacrifice what you’d have to.
Easy for THEM to say.
I live in Los Angeles, CA. Tyra’s hometown. I’m in showbiz AND law enforcement too and gay folks of all healthy varieties live where I do. Perhaps you’d benefit from traveling a bit more. The best work you can do, is in finding positive role models who are gay. I know a LOT of them, which is why, the dissenters out there could NEVER convince me that I didn’t know better than they did what was really up.
It’s not easy to be black, or a woman. It’s not accepted so easily to be a smartassed black woman in circles where I’m the only one of either or both. It’s not like folks don’t want to punish black women like that sometimes.
So ME continuing to be a smartassed black woman DESPITE all that, and rising up true to who I am, signals to the folks around me that really matter, they can TRUST ME. They know I’m GENUINE and have only ONE face.
And it’s all that, which makes you matter to yourself as well.
Oh yeah….to make it short, struggling AS a gay person and learning about outfoxing those against you, really builds VERY strong character.
It’s not all bad having to work your way through the bullshit that’s thrown around about gay folks and AT gay folks.
Gay people ALWAYS know more about straight people than the other way around.
Straight folks put their crap in the street and then try to deny it, but you can know they ARE fill of it and you don’t have to buy what they are selling.
Being a whole gay person WOULD take more savvy, and maturity than what’s REQUIRED of straight folks.
And in the long run, that exercise WILL make you better in the long run as SHANE, not Shane the guy people think is straight.
See what I mean?
But teaching yourself and OTHER young gay folks on the journey is something of your responsibility, now because you’re public.
Make your character stronger. Build on what being gay in our country can TEACH you.
Learn from my VERY smart and compassionate friends here.
Good luck.
Shane,
Thanks for your response. You sound like you are looking to fill in some blanks for yourself. I think it is fair to surmise you aren’t running around demonstrating a control freak inferiority/superiority complex by calling people sinners for being gay or having gay sex. I was a bit concerned about that with your statement about being raised in a Christian household. Sounds like you made a solid choice not to buy into that divisive programming. You saved yourself some major suffering as I consider those people stoking the fire for the hard right, very high maintenance and a down right major PITA**. Kuddos for you for not getting side tracked as being in your 20’s you could forfeit the best years of your life for religious nonsense.
Regarding your comment about emotionally being attracted to women. I will say that I have women who are very emotionally attractive to me, and that some men do lack some in that area. But having been in long term relationships with both, I have found no difference when in love. I had no longing to be with a woman when with a man or visa versa and I was emotionally fulfilled. It’s just a matter of finding the right person who dovetails with you. I am much more attracted sexually to a man so I know I cannot satisfy a woman the way she deserves and I really have no sexual attraction for women anymore. I think it was really peer pressure that I bought into for a while in high school etc. Not good. But then when I got to college far from my home town, lets just say things changed, a lot. And for the better.
You would probably make great strides by being in a more expanded thinking area of the U.S. with more gay people around you. You are attractive and could do very well for yourself.
David has some good questions for you. It will be interesting to hear your response.
Thanks again for being part of the conversation here. I appreciate your thoughts and hope you will comment more.
Alex, good to see you here.
Totally understand where he is coming from I just don’t want him to be ex-gay because I know how that’s like trying so hard to suppress your sexuality; I did it for about 4 years and hated it. I am a pretty masculine gay person and I don’t like going around and having casual sex it makes me feel like a whore. I have a partner who I love a lot and we’re going steady. That’s how I combat feelings of needing that crazy way of life that some gay people choose. Also I realized that when I finally became completely decided on my views and self-image and things like that, that I was really able to come out and say I was gay. When you are still choosing what you want to define you then usually you’re more susceptable to change in your personality. I think that this person is just having trouble defining themself and needs to find someone and start a relationship that doesn’t have sex as a base. Gays need love help not exgay therapy.
Saddest part of this is the suppression of his sexuality, and the prospect of ruining some young woman’s married life.
He looks like he needs some form of loving counselling, not involvement in the ex-gay movement.