A few days ago, we posted about a video parody which illustrates the profoundly general nature of one of Dr. Joseph Nicolosi’s (NARTH) personal theories — the “Grey Zone.” Essentially, this is supposed to be a grief state when one feels really bad, then seeks to act out homosexually in an attempt to feel better. Nicolosi uses a lot more space and Freudian overtones to explain it, but that’s basically it.
Even to the layman, it’s obvious that this pattern could fit any number of moods and behaviors, most having absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality. The parody was amusing and it made a valid point. Unfortunately, as many of our readers will no doubt understand first hand, painful consequences can result when people are herded down these pseudo-psychological paths.
Quite by accident, I ran across one such heart-wrenching example shortly after posting about the parody above. A blog entry, apparently written in the third person by a young man named Alex, about his therapy by phone under Nicolosi:
“Take a deep breathe,” Dr. Nicolosi’s voice came through the receiver. “Go to you’re body. Tell me what it feels like.”
The boy is a college student now, sitting in his dorm room, in the dark, a phone pressed against his face. He closes his eyes, and breathes.
It feels…I feel this huge pressure…on my chest.
“Good, good” Nicolosi tries to encourage.
It feels… like I’m suffocating.
“Good, Alex”, his voice full of paternal care. “This is what we call the Grey Zone. We go to this area when we are shamed. And when we have shame, we act out on our homosexual impulses.”
Shame equals Homosexual impulses, Alex jots down on his notepad.
“And when we change from shame to assertiveness, we find that these homosexual feelings just disappear.”
And the boy, he just listens and nods at the phone.
“And when we change from shame to assertiveness, we find that these homosexual feelings just disappear.” It is difficult to see this statement as anything but absurd, yet it is quite easy to believe Nicolosi said it because he is so fond of such statements.
For example, in a clip on CNN last year, we hear him saying, “The guy with a homosexual problem does not trust men. When he begins to trust men, his homosexuality disappears.” Remember these statements when NARTH is used as a resource by ex-gay ministries and therapists (Exodus, JONAH, Evergreen, PFOX, etc).
And remember also these words as Alex continues:
Alex had stopped the phone-therapy for almost a year now- but it changed something in him. Without knowing how, he was different. It’s what he felt the moment he flinched and felt immediately embarrassed. Homosexuality equals shame, are the words somewhere scribbled in an old notebook.
No matter how strong their need for control, no matter how fierce their paranoia, NARTH and Nicolosi can’t stifle people like Alex from sharing their experiences. Maybe some will read and be spared the pain that can accompany a course of treatment with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi.
Read more of Alex’s blog
I what its like to be in Alex’s shoes, i’ve delt with similar situations when i was involved in ex gay therapy. The problem was reparative programs, that fall under the Exodus umbrella, always rip at a persons heart… and not so much their problems.
When i took part in a therapy program via correspondance I was taught that certain ways i would dress would be problomatic to my healing. I laugh when I think of how many sales i missed out when going on a shopping trip with my ex gay mentor one time.
My issue with clothes was based in having insecurities with my peers making fun of my looks when i was younger. But was that confronted? Not at all. So often the unsaid assumption was that the root of my problems was homosexuality. And so all my energies were spent on beating that beast.
I’ve come to the conclusion that “reparative” therapy is nothing other than “bad” therapy. The minds and hearts of homosexuals are not computers that can be merely wiped clean, or reprogrammed, as so many ministries expect. The sooner that ex gay ministries get that the better off their clients will be.
Nicholosi talks about homosexuality like it can be magically, instantaneously changed into heterosexuality in a single moment of therapy encouraged clarity. Yet, I don’t think I have heard even those ex-gays that claim to no longer be gay as having experienced anything remotely like this. So, he is the expert, yet his advice is completely at odds with his best examples of ex-gays who claim to have changed.
In most circles, this would cause a serious crisis of credibility.
I never thought my blog would make it all the way over to XGW. Wow. I hope that my experience can help others who are going through this or contemplating ex-gay therapy. I’ve actually talked to Dan Gonzalez before–I guess he’s a former writer for the XGW now.
I’ve been out of that therapy for a year and a half now and it’s still finding ways to seep into my life. The largest problem with Nicolosi’s theories are the ones that get stuck in one’s head–the ones that can’t be disproven so easily, that ring true however slightly, that cast a pall over one’s certainty. It takes a lot to get out of that mindset–and I’m only just beginning to come to terms with it. That’s the true danger of these therapies–not their blatant untruths like the gray zone–but the ones that have a tincture of truth so to make the lie easier to swallow.
I don’t know how to stress enough that the gray zone is complete nonsense, and that Nicolosi’s therapies are ultimately suppressive and destructive. You might be interested to know that I’ve also had therapy sessions with Richard Cohen. But that, as they say, is a story for another day. Keep up the great work guys.
Best of luck,
Alex
Alex,
thank you for sharing with us. The more people speak out as proof that reparative therapy didn’t work, the more people will be exposed to the truth. I encourage you to keep sharing your story to as many people as possible. The avenues to do so are getting more numerous and more visible. On the same note, I also encourage you to not do anything that would make you feel like you were being used some how. Many have demonstrated to me that surviving beyond the ex-gay lifestyle can be painful and difficult and is extremely personal.
I hope to read about your Richard Cohen experience some day. And don’t shy away from commenting at XGW, either!
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