It should not be surprising that those who describe themselves as former homosexuals would have a negative view of “the homosexual lifestyle”. The testimonies on the websites of ex-gay ministries almost universally are stories of miserable people living unfulfilled and often debased lives who find meaning by striving to be ex-gay. Unable to achieve a functional existence complete with loving relationships or reciprocal friendships and surrounded by those individuals with a similar outlook, they see only unhappiness and misery within the gay community.
It is a condition of humanity that we see the world through the prism of our own experiences. Having found no peace in the gay “lifestyle”, they believe that that this supposed lifestyle is not a peaceful one.
And it seems that the ex-gays leadership – whether unconsciously or deliberately – are particularly prone to projecting their experiences onto all other. Unwilling or unable to recognize that not all people experience things the same way, their base assumption is that all gay people are miserable.
This world view is evident in a recent posting on Mike Ensley’s site. In a blog that gushes over Randy Thomas and his anti-gay lobbying in Washington, Mike says the following:
Randy also does a great job expressing his understanding of the gay community’s struggle. Sometimes, those who disagree with him forget that he’s been there, and understands the pain. For me, my experiences lead me to believe that the problems in the gay community don’t primarily stem from society’s lack of acceptance (the solution therefore being more and more acceptance), but rather in the innate flaws of homosexuality–its inability to satisfy the desire that fuels it. It’s hard to express when there are so many who are passionately convinced of the former.
Mike assumes that being gay is a struggle, which comes with pain. And it has problems stemming from innate flaws and an inability to satisfy.
I’ll be the first to acknowledge that some gay people have problems and that there are higher levels of substance abuse, depression, and STI’s within the gay community. We can debate whether this is a result of societal rejection, a lack of the social network heterosexuals often find in church and society, or entirely other factors. But it remains true that the majority of gay people are not addicted, depressed or sick.
Yet Mike, and so many other ex-gays, have a base assumption that gay = miserable. And no amount of claims to the contrary will change that. They “just know” that deep down inside is a well of hurt and loneliness that we are all hiding and refusing to acknowledge.
And though I would hope that some day the ex-gay ministries will come to see happy, healthy gay men and women living lives of value and joy, I’m not optimistic that this will happen soon. To accept that gay people can be happy goes against an identity that many of them now have as a core of their being. Unable to find self regard by accepting themselves, these souls have found a purpose and the respect of others by rejecting their prior selves. To acknowledge happy gay people would mean denying their own value.
We who accept our orientation as natural and inherent may also be guilty of seeing the world through our own perspective. We can be quick to dismiss the misery that ex-gays experienced or to see how their current lives – though they may not seem complete to us – provide peace and meaning to those who are living them. And we too can feel that by validating the misery that ex-gays felt we are somehow denying our own value as out gay men and women.
And we too can become caught by the lure of believing that our experiences can or should be forced on others. And just as the ex-gay ministries have fallen victim to the vanity of their experiences and allowed unscrupulous politicians to use them for cruel social means, we too can think that our experiences allow us to dismiss those who disagree with us and impose our social views on others.
Let us hope that we can see above the fray in this climate of culture war, consider the lives of others, and allow for differences. Let us hope that we can find ways to accommodate those who have found joy and hope in accepting themselves and also those for whom honoring their same-sex attractions brought dissonance and pain. Let us hope that leaders will arise within the ex-gay world who will seek peace and truth rather than lobbying and vilification. Sadly, for the current ex-gay leadership I think we can only hope and pray.
Yet Mike, and so many other ex-gays, have a base assumption that gay = miserable. And no amount of claims to the contrary will change that.
During the morning protests at the Love Won Out conference in Silver Spring, a fairly agitated ex-gay came out and demanded to tell his side of the story to the news cameras that were there. He went into his schpiel and one of the things he said was that all homosexuals are homosexual because they’ve been abused as children. Instantly about a half dozen of us standing nearby said that we had not been abused.
And of course, he ignored us, kept looking into the camera, and repeated the claim.
I really don’t want to trivialze the hardships that many ex-gays have been through in their own personal lives. But it gets hard when they keep insisting that we acknowledge their reality, all the while feeling perfectly free to disregard ours, if not lie about it outright. I was not abused. I had a fairly good relationship with both my parents. I grew up doing pretty much all the usual things that boys do. Yet I am gay. I haven’t made my life a mess with drugs and pornography and anonymous sex. I’m single and lonely but so are some of my straight friends and they don’t blame their heterosexuality for that. If I had it all to do over again I’d tell my high school crush how I felt about him sooner, and I go VHS instead of Beta. Beta was a mistake.
amen.
perfectly said
I was an unhappy gay teen, but that is because I thought I was going to hell. I got better in my late teens, and have had a wonderful relationship with a great man for the last 22 years. I am totally fulfilled.
Onanite
I don’t dismiss “exgay” misery or their happiness as “exgay” because I can’t relate to it, but because they’ve lied so much I find it hard to believe anything any “exgay” says. When they stop claiming to have changed same sex attractions into opposite sex attractions, when they stop saying all gays are diseased pedophiles who were sexually abused and/or had distant fathers, when they stop saying we’ve all had 100’s or thousands of sex partners, then I’ll find their personal stories more credible. I suspect there is some truth in some exgay stories, but how can we ever know for sure until they stop blatently lying.
As someone raised in a rigidly Fundamentalist Christian background (Assembly of God), I clearly understand the pain, rejection and isolation experienced by those who identify as ex-gay. The condemnation from one’s church, one’s family and oneself are enormous and overwhelming. I have great compassion for those who are suffering in that environment, who have internalized the hatred of homosexuality found in their religious organizations and who seek relief from this brutal self-hatred by any means offered them.
I do not dispute the rights of such people to choose celibacy for themselves if this choice gives them comfort or peace. I fully support their right to seek counseling to aid them in this quest.
I am skeptical of such people marrying and having children, because I suspect that their marriages are unlikely to be stable in the long-term, and I predict that such families may end in heartbreak. BUT, I think that interference with anyone’s reproductive rights and freedoms is a terrible mistake that I hope we, as a society, will never make again. Therefore, as much as I expect such people to respect my rights to bear my children within the context of my family structure, with the woman I love, so I will accord them the same level of respect.
However, when those who define themselves as ex-gay make their personal choices political, when they campaign in Washington attempting to convince lawmakers that ALL homosexuals can and should become “ex-gay”, when they attempt to interfere with my reproductive rights and freedoms, when they try to stand in the way of the equal civil rights and protections that I need in order to care for and protect my children, then I will call them out on their hypocrisy with every fiber of my being.
I can tell you where the ex gay people lose me.
It’s their template of abuse, father distant/mother dominant/didn’t have gender appropriate affirmation and skill training as a child.
If a person hasn’t had those experiences, than they just don’t remember or have buried those experiences too deep to be retrieved.
These testimonials are becoming suspect because there are no specifics offered from individual to individual.
And it doesn’t explain other groupings of youngsters with those issues who never become gay.
It also doesn’t explain all else of merit a person can offer society, regardless of being gay.
One has to prove they are straight or celibate before they are capable of doing anything else?
Heteros aren’t the sum of their sexuality, although they suffer from the same pathologies and preoccupation with sex.
But gay people are the sum of their sexuality, ABSENT of pathologies and healthy endeavor.
This is the very basic, the most fundamental problem right there.
Where is the HUMANITY in all this?
I’m not concerned with gay people’s sex lives, or any one else’s.
I’m concerned with what we can all do TOGETHER as a whole society, not just a hetero one.
So far, Exodus and all the others haven’t talked about the solutions to what concerns EVERYBODY.
They assume gay people concern everyone who isn’t gay.
And they don’t unless and until people in Exodus, the TVC, the FRC, et al…keep bringing it up.
It’s like ‘remember now folks, the FMA has to be passed, those pesky gay people are all over the place with their agenda to take your children away from you! They are after our institutions and will destroy them if we forget they are around!’
There is no problem. people WANT gay people to have them, want to make their claims come true by creating as many problems for gay people as possible.
They lack relevance with so many other important issues looming that no one can escape.
It’s literally down to, when in doubt, blame the gays.