An open letter to my 6th grade gym teacher which I mailed today. I believe as gays and lesbians we should go back and confront those who harmed us for being different in our childhood when we can and when it is safe to do. This letter is one way to do it. To not do this is to either carry the shame and trauma around from what others gave us or to take it out on others. I know that it is from experiences like my own–one of which is described in this open letter–that can contribute to those who stay in the closet and/or enter reparative therapy.
I read the _______ News today and saw the article about you. You were my gym teacher in sixth grade in 1975-76 when I was 12-years-old. I have actually never forgotten you.
The memory of you which stands out for me is of my walking into gym class late with my best friend and having the students burst into hysterical laughter from something you said to them before we walked in. I discovered later you told the class that you anticipated that Max and I would walk in together and that we were probably “fags”. A number of my classmates told me what you said to them prior to our entrance and it became a running joke toward me for the rest of my junior high school years. I remember this like yesterday it was so traumatic for me.
You could not have humiliated me more than what you did to me publicly amongst my peers. In my judgment what you did to me was cruel, insensitive and immature. You were an adult male authority figure who should have been protecting me—not hurting me.
In fact, Mr. _____, I was and am a gay male. I was probably in love with my best friend back then but did not know it. I did not know what being in love was and I certainly would not have known or understood what it meant to be gay. I was a young impressionable boy of 12-years-old and gym class was an over stimulating place for me as I was being sexually aroused having hit puberty and then put in showers and locker rooms with the very gender which aroused me. I was also not athletic at all so gym was nothing more than a nightmare for me.
Imagine for a moment if you were to put a heterosexual boy in a female locker room and showers. I think if you imagine that you can understand the enormous struggle I was having.
The one thing I took note of in the article is that you are retired. I am relieved to know that young children are no longer under your care and will not suffer at your hands the same thing I did. It caused me so much pain during such an important and difficult time of my life.
It really was a rotten thing you did to me. You are either the same man today that you were then and will just laugh off this letter or you will have some remorse for something you did to another human being who did not deserve being picked on by a guy like you! You didn’t even pick on someone your own size.
The shame I felt from what you did to me was really meant for you to wear and I hereby give it back to you with this letter.
Sincerely,
Joe Kort, MSW
I would be interested to find out if you receive a response back. I really this helps you heal and thank you for sharing.
I just read a horrible story about a 14 year old boy who hung himself with his school tie.
He was on the receiving end of brutal bullying that his school authorities did little to stop.
This took place in England, but my first thought was …God, another one?!
From what they say about his interests: music, poetry, performing arts, he was a sensitive boy.
They don’t mention the motive of the bullying, only the method called (happy slapping).
Which several of the kids took pictures of with their cell phones.
If he was THOUGHT to be gay…well, it’s likely why these nastly little shits did this.
Perhaps the omission of WHY these kids made him a target is as pernicious as the bullying itself.
No one wants to get real and RESTRICT kids from doing to their classmates what wouldn’t be tolerated in a SECOND in the adult workplace.
No one wants to be honest about the fact that a kid could be labeled gay and it’s all over.
So, straight kids are in as much danger as gay kids.
However, it’s the straight kids who respond more often by shooting up their classmates and teachers, dontcha think?
Hatred coming back to bite the haters in ways they can’t control.
Their usual solution: suspend the gay or thought to be gay kid for disrupting the school.
Not the bullies.
People in charge of the young better get their priorities together.
And quit letting school bullies do their dirty work for them and then pat themselves on the back when it comes to teaching the young about morality and responsibility just because they can quote a few Bible verses and call themselves morally correct and qualified to teach on it.
Obviously being brutal to each other is more acceptable than a gay…or so labeled as gay kid, in their midst.
Regan,
If you just read a story and want to mention it then you really need to copy and paste the address so the rest of us can read it too.
There wasn’t a day of my middle school experience that I wasn’t called a fag. I have little doubt that (despite moving away from that back-water town after 8th grade) it delayed my own acceptance of my sexuality, which didn’t happen until I was in college.
I found gym kind of fun, although the instructors were rather incompetant. This was in the 1960s, though. The incompetence showed through when one of my fellow classmates was hit in his eye with a ball and required cataract surgery.
BTW, this “fag” “gay” or “queer” thing must have been from the 1970s. I never heard anything like that when I was in high school in the 1960s. I did not hide the fact that I wanted to “do” the guy who sat behind me in AP Chem class (he was the fellow who had to have cataract surgury). It was clear to anyone in the class who was paying attention.
I’m making a research about child molestation. This is how, surfing the web, I ran into your letter to your former gym teacher. What a brute he was!! I really hate child abuse- every sort of it. What you underwent on his account was and can only be considered child abuse. You, as any child in the whole world, did not deserve such a treatment. I’m glad to know that brute is retired too.
Daniel, I apologize for not informing where to find the link.
I promise I’ll take note of the links next time, every time.
I first read it in World Net Daily in their Page 1 headlines and it’s link to that story from England.
I emailed it to Mike Airhart in hopes that he could post it here for discussion.
The World Net Daily archive didn’t make the article available even though it was posted in their journal yesterday.
Again I apologize. I do want to give everyone here an opportunity to read what I’ve read.
If there is anyone else who might have caught the article in WND or knows how to access the archives better than I can, I’d appreciate it.
My friends,
Focus on the Family has a website aimed at homosexuality.
http://www.troubledwith.com
There is a fine print disclaimer at the bottom of their webpage that states their information is no substitute for medical, psychiatric or psychological intervention.
Of course, qualified professionals are the ones who can tell you if and when you have a real problem as opposed to perceived ones, right?
From my chair, would it be safe to say that the entire ex gay ministry and advocacies are the ones who need psychiatric intervention?
It’s a movement that seems to be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and delusions regarding homosexuals and homosexuality?
To say nothing of delusions of grandeur.
How mentally ill is it to insist there is a problem when there isn’t?
As for FOTF, what they can’t take to the bank, they are surely working to take to the cross.
I’m so glad I haven’t fallen for their crap.
Here is an example of people who think the trouble with homosexuality is homosexuality.
They don’t like to think that the trouble lies with people who are too ignorant to admit it or know when to give up their crusade of spreading it.
The proof is in the CYA disclaimer.
A faith based group confident in their abilities, wouldn’t need one.
My spouse went through the school system in 1960s and was treated badly in Barstow. People called him gay names so bad, he refuses to talk about childhood memories. So I think it depended on the area in the 60s.
Of course, I was teased, and I am sure kids called me gay names, but I was mainly teased because I was different. While I think it is wrong, I am glad I went through it because it made me a better person in the end. It made me stand up as an individual.
An interesting thing—I had a coach who was very much a man’s man. He was also very Christian. He attached himself to me in a very personal way. He never criticized me even when he knew other kids did. He would help encourage me in weight-lifting and other endevors. He was a very early crush for me (sort of like a drill sergeant), but he would tell me how smart and good he thought I was.
Damn Good Idea! Yes…we should confront those teachers who wounded us for life when we were kids. Those people had a responsibility to build our character, make us ready for life both mentally and emotionally, not tear us down when we were all so vulnerable.
In 8th or 9th grade (I’m a tad fuzzy about it now) I went through a completely horrible sex ed class, taught by our gym teachers, who when the subject of homosexuality came up told us one terrible lie after another about homosexuals and homosexuality. They taught us that homosexuals usually kill the people they have sex with, that most unsolved murders are committed by homosexuals, that homosexuals mutilate the genitals of the people they have sex with…on and on…it was horrible.
They laid it on so thick that for years while I was having these intense feelings for other male classmates, I simply refused to believe I could be gay. But I am sure other kids in my class must have feared and loathed themselves bitterly while growing up, if they still don’t to this day.
The people who did things like that to us, need to be made to understand the harm they were doing to innocent, trusting children. Boy I would love to happen across a newspaper article about those guys, the way you did yours. I’d have lots to say to the newspaper that published it.
Wonderful letter Joe. In the early 60’s I do not recall anything like this. But I was always kind of athletic in a big guy klutzy fashion, so I may have missed it. But what you are doing strikes me as so right and so perfect. Hope you get a response, and hope it helps.
Peace,
Dale
Here’s the referral everyone for the story about the boy’s suicide.
https://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1762465,00.html
or you can google
‘suicide of 14 year old after ‘happy slapping’ and you’ll get several hits.
There is an article, two actually, that inform this discussion.
http://www.latimes.com
link for state/california articles.
One is on a lawsuit being lodged by school newpapers writers who want to cover gay issues in their schools.
Many have found themselves under fire for wanting gay kids included in their coverage.
The other is by George Skelton and the sea change he experienced regarding gay marriage while he covered the legislative voting in Sacramento.
It shouldn’t be so hard for young people to discuss or report on what concerns them. Something that’s very real and affects their ENTIRE lives.
GSA’s have a harder time forming and school authorities would rather ban ALL clubs than give gay and straight kids a chance to get to know each other better.
You’d think that they’d want to REDUCE the risk of a suicide or school shooting because a kid was acting in righteous self defense.
People who choose to be in charge of young lives have a responsibility to ALL kids, not just the ones they choose not to know about or understand or help other kids to do the same with as well.
A school teacher or principal or board member to buries their head up their *ss can only expect children to do the same.
It’s no wonder we can throw up our hands in frustration.
The way these people behave, you’d think that greater understanding of gay people at the school level was asking someone to cut their own throats.
This isn’t rocket science or an excursion to Mt. Everest-even if it were…
I’d expect a school teacher to teach about it.
That’s a wonderful letter.
My sexuality was questioned by my classmates for years, but NOTHING sticks out in my mind the way certain teachers established their own bigotry.
Kids are kids, I knew that then too, but adults are supposed to know better, especially those that are teachers.
I remember my driver’s ed teacher reminding us that we would be on the road with murderers, child molesters and homosexuals. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, this was to make us better defensive drivers. Never know who is going to make a pass at you from a passing car, I suppose.
It still bothers me to this day that I didn’t speak up about it.
And that’s the thing, Christopher…
Young people are not supposed to challenge their school authorities, even when they are stupid and just wrong…or their belief issues become matters of life and death, not just meeting for a support club.
As you know, gay kids and their lives are treated as fair game and for the dumbest and least ethical reasons. Why are teachers getting away with ridiculous resistance to getting educated and the realities of homosexuality?
Here we are….reaching out constantly and even at great risk, to go to the stars, to travel to other countries everywhere on this planet.
Each one of us, no matter from what remote country or culture is less and less exotic.
But a homosexual in the area is cause for hysterics, even by teachers who themselves are REQUIRED to be the leader in up to the minute information and how to access it.
This is disturbing, this resistance, it really is.
Inexcusable in a diversified culture that is America.
This isn’t about simply ignoring gay people and maybe they will go away…
But the use of epithet and cultural fear in how kids relate to another kid, whether they are gay or not requires more than surface rhetoric.
Because there is active hostility against young people just mistaken for being gay, how can this be acceptable at all?
Just because they ARE the most vulnerable and powerless?
Well, isn’t that the epitomy of an evil agenda.
Greater minds, seriously and intelligently curious people have to make the difference, as they always have to further humankind.
A lot of people in this country have laid trust in men who they have never or never will meet face to face.
They are trusted to know a lot about gay people without really knowing any.
And committing to the same treatment of gay people over and over again and expecting the same results, like gay people retiring to a corner and never speaking up and just taking whatever without protest.
Not only is that insanity, but it’s not in our DNA as human beings.
In another post, I mentioned that the ex gay movement itself is mentally ill.
It’s a movement in and of itself that needs a cure.
Much kudos to you for writing and sending this. I write / compose these things frequently but am rarely brave enough to do anything more.
Very glad you were brave enough, though, as I think these things can help whole communities, and of course may help rid you of some mental demons.
There is a book, edited by Kevin Jennings of GLSEN, called “Telling Tales Out of School” that includes a lot of stories like Joe’s. I read it years ago, and it really struck me.
From Library Journal
Jennings (One Teacher in Ten: Gay and Lesbian Educators Tell Their Stories, LJ 10/1/94) gathers recollections from 37 gays, lesbians, and bisexuals about their experiences at school. Some of the contributors came out in school; others came out later in life and now reflect on their youth and the signs of their sexual orientation. Because the contributors range in age, their comments provide glimpses of gay life across the decades. Virtually all the writers offer painful stories, from loneliness and isolation to being beaten. This book will give straight people some insight into the struggles of growing up gay or bisexual and will resonate with gay and bisexual readers. Recommended for public and school libraries.?Debra Moore, Loyola Marymount Univ. Lib., Los Angeles
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.
link: https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1555834183/qid=1126208616/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-3890474-4928612?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
My own worst experience was in Junior High, when a group of students ambushed me in the hallway, knocking me down and scattering my books everywhere. When I was down, one of the girls kicked me hard with her boots directly in the groin. The school did NOTHING to find out the students responsible, although there were only 3 – 4 classrooms where the kids could have come from. There was no single teacher who I disliked as much as Joe, but that incident will forever be with me.
check it out in today’s LATimes.
http://www.latimes.com
link state/california
A seventeen year old lesbian is suing her school district for discrimination and compromise to her school career.
She was disciplined for hugging and kissing her girlfriend. She was a straight A student, but the disciplinary action against her included transferring to another school and her grades dipped.
She asserts that her activity was the same as what was accepted from heterosexual couples and kids without sanction from the school authorities, or her peers.
A good kid, exemplary student (which is all the school should worry about) was treated differently (and badly) not for doing anything wrong, especially to another person (or bringing a banned object to school)…but just being gay.
Gee, the school can ignore the fact that same gender affection was NEVER illegal…have they also ignored integration laws too?
Zero tolerance rears it’s stupid standards once again.
She should win. Her records in school reflect a youngster any school or parent should be proud of.
Seeing all your stories here regarding your school careers, reminds me of remaining empathetic to ALL emotional and social concerns of young people.
My developing body got me harassed and assaulted by knuckleheaded boys in school.
But I was a tall, strong, athletic girl-my father had taught me to box (and took me to aikido class).
I ended up suspended when one or two of these boys got more than they bargained for.
I got treated worse by the school authorities for standing up for myself (where THEY failed in protecting me) than the boys who were assaulting girls.
Again, I absolutely will challenge a school that allows children to do to one another, things not accepted in the adult workplace for a second.
Children are there to learn exactly what’s expected of them when they turn into adults.
It’s a more than an notion to unstick people’s heads from their *sses, isn’t it?.
Nice letter. Why not post the teacher’s name?