John Dicker of the Colorado Springs Independent has penned a level-headed and sensitively written feature story about Where Grace Abounds, an unusual ex-gay ministry located in Denver.
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John Dicker of the Colorado Springs Independent has penned a level-headed and sensitively written feature story about Where Grace Abounds, an unusual ex-gay ministry located in Denver.
What I found most interesting about this article is its “dry drunk” analogy – although the leader of the group rejected that analogy, it seems clear that, like so many “ex-gay” groups, this is really about not “sinning” by actually having sex.
I don’t happen to agree that celibacy is the right solution for religious gay people (and I tried it for 6 years, so I knows of what I speaks), I can’t force anyone to believe as I do.
What does bother me is the refusal to acknowledge that gay people can have happy, fulfilling lives – clearly that is a message the cuts to the heart of the “ex-gay” movement. Apparently that is why so many of these groups demand a complete cut-off from friends still “in the lifestyle” (so similar to the “In the Life” phrase that was coined by African-Americans in the Harlem Reneissance period) – if they are faced with the existence of happy, well-adjusted gay people, the impetus to remain celibate is going to go right down the tubes.
Funny, gay people can co-exist with anti-gay religious conservatives with very few of us, if any, ever being led from “the lifestyle” to that religious tradition, but “ex-gay” people can’t even speak to openly, and happily, gay people for fear of “slipping.” Who exactly is on the side of truth here?
As a former WGA (Where Grace Abounds) member, I can honestly say that this article is at least truthful and not inflammatory, at least. I feel fortunate that at least half of my ex-gay time was spent at this ministry, instead of some others I’ve heard about (or been a part of). Weird to read about people I know, though! FWIW, I consider myself ex-ex-gay at this point…Not sure if they (at WGA) would even know that – perhaps I am considered a success story?
Annika, I suspect that WGA probably counts you, and others like you, as one of their many success stories. You should seriously consider “coming out” to them. Write a letter to the editor of the Colorado Springs Independent. This is the approach I took when my local paper featured a columnist supporting my ex-gay ministry.
I relate my ex-gay experience very much to the experience described in Dicker’s article. Dicker did a great job of articulating the frustrating aspects of the ex-gay experience without demonizing the ministry.
Dicker mentions that the WGA leader seems to refuse “to throw out what might be considered culturally gay with the ex-gay bathwater.” I always wondered if these professional ex-gays are successful because they don’t really have to back into the closet. They have the ability to keep part of their gay identity while being accepted in the church — not to mention employment.
Hi Norm, I have thought about re-coming out to them at some point, actually. They have always been incredibly supportive of where anyone was at, even if they may not “approve.” I know that firsthand. I don’t fear any kind of judgment from them or anything like that, so I probably should. I guess I’ve been waiting to be stronger in my own personhood, about who I am authentically before I re-come-out.
Also, I do know what you mean about them not having to go back in the closet. I have always thought there is a separate ex-gay subculture within gay culture. Maybe moreso at WGA then in other places. I remember my first time there was when I attended a xmas party and when I walked in the room they were playing The Village People and having a white elephant exchange where guys were fighting over a cheerleading trophy and women were trying to get a Melissa Ethrridge T-shirt. And there many inside jokes about being gay, ex-gay and the whole “healing process.” It was definitely it’s own culture. I know people there who have been attending the meetings for years and seem just as gay (sometimes moreso) than someone who is out-and-proud gay. So yes, I agree with you about that!
Oh, jeez, the article mentions Elizabeth Moberly, a proponent of “reparative therapy”
An essay about her and RT by psychologist Jeffry Ford, who apparently knew her is at https://jgford.homestead.com/Fordessay.html
An essay on her “distant and aloof father” clap-trap is at https://hem.passagen.se/nicb/quinn.htm
You know, I actually feel like I’ve had “reparative therapy” of sorts, and it’s been extremely helpful in a lot of ways, but I’m still gay. Which I’ve been realizing over the last couple of years is just fine. I think if anything, the benefit of the Moberly and the RT thing and the (really very) few “good” groups like Where Grace Abounds is to take the focus off of “bad person you, just stop having gay sex or being gay!” to deeper inner healing issues, which many people (gay, bi, straight, etc) need. Not at all saying that’s what causes someone to be gay, or even if it does, that healing those issues can cause someone to become straight or ex-gay. And I’m definitely *not* saying that all gay people have deep emotional issues, as we all know that’s not the case. However, I’m of the opinion that healing deep emotional issues and wounds can only bring about good in someone’s life – even if it doesn’t change their orientation.
I actually attended WGA tonight. I don’t want to write much about it here – I feel like I want to at least respect confidentiality issues, as the author of the article really didn’t. The one negative thing I have to say about the article (and I really only realized this tonight, when hearing the reaction at this group) was that he used real names and real situations of people who are struggling to figure themselves out. And whether any of us agrees or disagrees about RT or exodus groups, the people in them are real (just like you and I) and many are hurting, in one way or the other. They go to a place and think it’s confidential and can trust the other people, and when they find out that’s not true, and see names and situations in print, it’s certainly a pretty upsetting thing (which I’m sure those of us who might still be closeted can understand).
Some people may think it’s OK to upset someone who is pursuing an ex-gay life, but I would disagree. Having once attended the group a few years ago, I know I certainly would have been deeply upset if it was my fellow “struggler” who turned on me and printed things I shared in confidence. And I am actually realizing just how thankful I am for my time at this particular group, as it led me in the direction of some deep emotional healing that I needed for my own happiness, and has again confirmed for me that I am just wonderful exactly how I am. If that article had mentioned me and had come out when I’d first started going there, I probably would have freaked out and never gone back, and perhaps missed out on some great healing that happened for me subsequently.
Hope I don’t get flamed for this – just trying to be honest and authentic.
Annika, thank you for sharing your experience at WGA. It is interesting that you can be openly gay at WGA while finding healing. Do you mean to say that you can acknowledge your same-sex attractions while refraining from same-sex activities for religious reasons?
In my ex-gay experience, homosexuality was usually stigmatized as being “rooted” in emotional issues and wounds. Therefore, I felt my homosexuality was part of my “sexual brokenness”. So, I find it interesting that WGA may have a different viewpoint. However, Dicker mentioned that WGA does not promote the idea of healthy and moral homosexual relationships. So I guess I’m confused about WGA’s view of homosexuality. I suspect that WGA avoids making any type of promise of turning gays into straights, but still disapproves of same-sex behavior for religious reasons.
I understand your disappointment about Dicker not doing more to protect WGA members’ confidentiality. However, I have to ask, did WGA take steps to protect members’ confidentiality? Does WGA require members to sign confidentiality agreements?
Norm!
Annika, thank you for sharing your experience at WGA. It is interesting that you can be openly gay at WGA while finding healing. Do you mean to say that you can acknowledge your same-sex attractions while refraining from same-sex activities for religious reasons?
In my ex-gay experience, homosexuality was usually stigmatized as being “rooted” in emotional issues and wounds. Therefore, I felt my homosexuality was part of my “sexual brokenness”. So, I find it interesting that WGA may have a different viewpoint. However, Dicker mentioned that WGA does not promote the idea of healthy and moral homosexual relationships. So I guess I’m confused about WGA’s view of homosexuality. I suspect that WGA avoids making any type of promise of turning gays into straights, but still disapproves of same-sex behavior for religious reasons.
I understand your disappointment about Dicker not doing more to protect WGA members’ confidentiality. However, I have to ask, did WGA take steps to protect members’ confidentiality? Does WGA require members to sign confidentiality agreements?
Norm!
Hi Norm,
First of all, I just want to be really clear that haven’t attended for about 3-4 years. I just went back the other night – and that was my first visit since some time in 2000. I also am not a part of the organization and so don’t claim to speak for them. All I say about them is just based on my observations while there and my own experiences.
If you mean could people be very out and openly not want to pursue a change in sexuality while attending the program – I would think so. I would question why they would want to, perhaps, but I would think that the staff/organization would not bar anyone from attending – and in fact the staff and members would show the same love and courtesy and respect toward them as a person just like they would to anyone else (and this is something I’ve experienced personally). When I attended, I believe there were a few people who were out and not trying to be ex-gay in their life at that particular time (I can’t say whether they had in the past or were hoping to in the future – and I’m only going off of what it seemed/appeared like to me). However, there are people there who *are* attending and hoping to change their sexual orientation. I know that because I used to be one of them. It’s hard because I’m in a spot where I don’t want to say much more than that – as I don’t want to be in a position of saying things I might have seen or heard in confidentiality.
Since I heard this every week for however long I attended, I can tell you that WGA’s stated purpose has always been to “help people understand sexuality and relationships” (they never say they exist to change people from gay to straight) and I know from attending that quite a few people who attend aren’t even gay. Some have issues with their sexuality or are dealing with other relational type issues, and they seem to get much benefit from the group.
I am not sure how to answer all of your questions – because while I think they do (or may – again, I’m not on staff, not affiliated in any way) think that same-sex sexual behaviour is wrong for religious reasons, I’ve also heard more than one staff member say that no one knows what combination of things causes someone to be gay (be it biological, genetics, environment, etc). They don’t say that all of it is environmental and all of it can be cured, as other ex-gay organizations say. In fact, I don’t even think they refer to themselves as an ex-gay organization, although others do I suppose. In addition, as one can see from reading Dicker’s article, one of the staff members that he spoke with is not even claiming to be ex-gay.
Just to let you know, I have come out to one of the staff members there in the last week and was told by this person that they “saw the relentless pursuit of truth” in my life. This after I’d said that I wasn’t attempting to change my sexuality and was very OK with that. And it wasn’t the kind of statement that was followed with a “…but…” – it just was there, among other affirming statements about me. That spoke volumes to me about the amount of respect they had for me as a person, even though I am choosing a path that can seem quite different from their chosen path.
There *are* other organizations (I’m thinking specifically of Courage – the Catholic group) that apparently encourage celibacy, and say that while some members have had a shift in orientation, it is not the goal (I don’t know this for a fact personally, just have read this on several occasions about Courage). So there are other groups like that. I know of another group in the UK and one in Canada, I believe, that don’t have being ex-gay as a goal, but encourage/support celibacy.
Regarding Dicker and the confidentiality issue, before I was allowed to attend a meeting at WGA, I had to sign various papers, and I’m pretty sure one of them had to do with confidentiality. However, even if it didn’t, at the start of each small group time (which is when people share and discuss personal things such as were mentioned in the article) there are a list of rules read (I think he mentioned some of them in the article). In that list of rules is a very clearly-worded confidentiality agreement. I could not in good conscience stay in a group where that had been read and agreed upon if I did not intend to abide by it, and I’m sad that he thought it somehow didn’t apply to him.
Again, I’m not trying to defend WGA. I’m not saying people should go there, or become ex-gay, or anything like that. Just stating what I remember, what my experiences were, and how I feel about it. Just need to put that disclaimer out there as I am uncomfortable feeling like I’m in a role of defending (or speaking for) an organization I’m not a part of (and haven’t been for some time). Thanks for responding, though. 🙂
Annika