I just finished watching the Lifetime special Prayers for Bobby. It came across true and accurate to what I know about the matter, and may have even been somewhat reserved considering the time frame (circa 1980). The mother’s reaction and the “help” her son Bobby was given could easily take place today in just that way — it does take place today in just that way. Ryan Kelley did an excellent job as Bobby, as did Sigourny Weaver as his mother, Mary Griffith. The pain, condemnation and agony was far too real, and I cried through much of it. It was very hard to watch in places, not because it went into deep detail, but because each portion was a representation of my own pain, and that of so many with whom I have talked. The movie was a series of triggers for all of it.
I’ve lived much of the agony of a Bobby so I know it well, but I have been spared personally the hideous way in which ex-gay related programs abuse the parents. PFOX is an extreme version of this, but Exodus and Love Won Out conferences have so often been aimed squarely at parents. The byproduct of the pseudo-scientific underpinnings of ex-gay theory is that, one way or another, parents are to blame. And once they are properly saddled with that grief, they are led to believe that somehow, if everyone works really hard and prays really hard (pays whole lot?), their son or daughter can be free of this “awful curse.”
When I first heard it, I thought the sermon was a bit too harsh to be realistic. Moments later I remembered that in my work with some churches. and even at college, the idea that the funeral of one who was “lost” would serve as a morbid sermon to others was a common theme among more than a few pastors.
As I said, for me it was a very emotional ride. They had so much to cram into a short period that I’m afraid it may be hard for those not already involved in some way to appreciate the depth of the issue. If you watched, what was your experience or impression?
Update: I’ve added an image of the book with a link for those who might now want to get a more detailed version of the story and to catch a glimpse of the real Bobby and his Mom in front of that cute little car. I wonder what he would have written by now.
That clip was very powerful. I will have to find time to watch it.
Fine. Hope it helps parents and LGBT teens and all that. But can we please please please please PLEASE not have another movie set in the past where a gay man dies a tragic death at a far too young age? Please? I’d even settle for a movie where a gay male, or lesbian, or bisexual protagonist dies at an *old* age. I’m getting really tired of this trend. I am not spending another cent of my money or second of my time on these types of movies. The only LGBT movie trend I hated worse was the “lesbian and bisexual murderesses” one.
Jayelle,
This movie obviously is not for you. Unfortunately there is still an immense amount of religious bigotry aimed at gay youth. This movie is aimed at those parents of GLBT youth and young adults (especially those who are religious and anti-gay) who have sons like Bobby or daughters who are Lesbian. If you knew Bobby’s mother she would likely tell you that she has been trying very boldly and hard to get her message out there to change lives dramatically and to help parents of LGBT children to love their kids unconditionally and nurtuture them, treating their orientation as a gift from God and not something to be shamed and feared.
Jayelle, again this movie is not for you so watch something else like Big Eden (one of my favorites) or something like that.
I watched the movie last night, and it brought tears to my eyes, partly because I could identify with Bobby’s struggle both within himself, and with “church people”. I grew up in the 60s and 60s and came out in the 7o’s- my family were shocked and upset for about two weeks and reason prevailed. The other reason it made me sad was that after all these years of fighting for gay rights, and acceptance, the struggle continues. Maybe not in the larger cities, but out here in the backwaters, and deserts, and heartland, there may be laws , some may even have hate crimes statutes, but the fact is that the people’s hearts have not changed, and hate continues to be preached from bully pulpits both “religious” and political. How sad is that?! All these years since Mattachine, GLF, Stonewall, and those self-“righteous” religious people still hate us, oh, they may SAY they hate the sin but not the sinner- but as Bobby asked so poignantly, “Is this what love feels like?!”
And so the struggle cotinues to obtain some crumbs from the “religious” “right’s” table, when we should be hitting them where they live and on their own turf- meaning we should be engaging them in debate over not just their interpretation of Scripture, but in the constitutionality of demanding ALL Americans abide by that interpretation and encode it into law- how is that justifiable ethically or politically. We need to call them out on their “love”, expose the hypocrisy of their position, and their preachers, and in sum, we need to take what is rightfully ours, that being no less than absolute and full equality before the law with all the same benefits every other American has- personally, I don’t care whether it’s called marriage or domestic partnership, but it’s time now to refuse to be “tolerated” so long as we stay willing to settle for the crumbs, and take full acceptance if not by church , by law! This is still America, and we all still have the right to life , liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Enough soapbox, I thought it was a well done film for TV, sadly I think those who will or did watch it are not the ones who really NEED to see it, but neirther am I under the illusion that those who need to see it would change for the better anyway- when hate is justified in the name of God, it’s all to easy to get away with it!
Ask Bobby! Ask Mathhew Shepard! Ask Alan Schindler! Ask any honest gay man or lesbian woman!
Now we have a new president, a new Congress, I am a bit more optimistic- yet guardedly so- how often have civil rights been given, rescinded,modified? How does anyone even have the nerve to debate equal rights, as they are self-evident- we should NEVER have to have a debate over who gets equal rights, I said that during the civil rights movements, during the time the ERA was being “debated” and I say that about the present fight for lgbtq and whatever other human rights are still being denied.
It’s time to end the tyranny of theocracy- isn’t it?
I watched “Prayers for Bobby” last night, and most of it struck a deep chord with me. By the time I graduated from High School in 1992, I had come to accept that I was “struggling” with homosexuality. Several years later, I confided in many at my church that I had homosexual feelings and entered into a group therapy program that met over several months. Through this period, as well as many years later, I continued to deny my sexuality as a part of myself.
While I did not take my own life, I none the less choose destructive behavior which harmed myself and others. I had no idea of my own value, worth, or dignity as a human being and operated out of shame, while pretending to be what others expected on the outside. I related so well the the montage scene of memories that Bobby experienced just before taking his own life, the flashes of being in a desolate place and constricted in barbed wire were very apt analogs to what I felt like inside: trapped and alone… rejected.
It is a great irony that the very thing that “Christians” argue that those of us who are LGBT use scripture to justify our deviant behavior (or even abhorrent existence!) by twisting its meaning; when it is clear to me now that it was the other way around. We are faced with the warrant that homosexuality is a sin because the Bible says so, and that many if not most who claim to follow Christ seem to leave it at that. My guess is that they think that if they got that wrong, what else are they taking for granted or misinterpreting. I could go on about this in depth, but this is only part of my point. I will suffice in saying that my own faith and identity is in the Almighty, and not defined by man or his interpretation of God’s Word: I will work out my own salvation with fear and trembling, risking and daring to ask the hard questions and trust in the Grace of God and not the acceptance of men.
Today, I see myself as a whole person with my sexuality a part of that whole. It took several years with a very tough yet caring therapist to work out that I have value and worth as a person. I can honestly say that I love myself because for the first time I was able to hear the words, “I love you,” from God and others. I used to think that it was ironic that it took me being able to love myself to be able to truly love others, but this makes sense to me now. Every person deserves to know their own worth and by extension, the worth of others; it is here that we understand how to practice to love the Lord with all our mind, strength, and soul; love others as ourselves. All other arguments and discussions should take a back seat to these.
I cried when I saw the picture of Bobby and his mother; knowing that it ended with the misunderstanding of love on both parts. She misunderstood what it means to truly love her son and accept him as such; he could not accept that he was loved not only by his family, but by God as well… both understandably so. This was a tragedy, and I applaud Mrs. Griffith for seeking the truth about her son and working to counter prejudice and hatred with love and acceptance. Out of tragedy and loss comes life and an abundance of joy. For those who are “sure” in their judgment and condemnation of another, keep in mind that it is the seemingly weak and foolish things in this world that God uses to teach us all.
Here are some thoughts I wrote several months ago:
_______________
I also watched the film this weekend, in pieces because it was a little too hard to watch all the way through. Not a film to watch when you need a laugh, but still wonderfully done. Sigourney Weaver was fantastic, and the moment she realizes that her son was meant to be gay is simply heart-breaking.
That being said, Jayelle, I hear you. I am so sick of the ONLY entertainment that shows LGBT people either have us as deranged, or are all about coming out. Our lives are bigger than that, and I, for one, would like to see a movie where a gay character’s sexuality is openly acknowledged and important to understanding the character, but is not the point of the film.
Anyone who has seen the Celluloid Closet will understand that, in many films, GLBTs have traditionally been cast in maniacal, evil roles or they die a tragic death, etc. While this is changing, I do think Prayers for Bobby is exempt since it is trying to tell a story that actually happened and the lessons from which might lead to better understanding and less need to cast such rolls in the future. The tragedy here is the key to the redemption, the good stuff, not the lesson itself.
Does that make sense?
Beautifully written and close to my heart, Bryan. I don’t believe my faith would be as strong, or my understanding of God as deep, if I had not been gay. And I’ve noticed that in others as well. It’s tragic that some have their faith ripped from them by those who believe they are afflicted, but the flip side is that some find an even deeper, perhaps more sincere faith. The time in between those two points can be excruciating, however.
Jayelle, I understand what you mean, and usually I would agree with you- sadly though, this issue remains a very large issue- and while a “feel good” movie where the gay/lesbian etc protagonists end up alive and happy is a nice change ( and there are many of those esp. “Indies” that have happy endings. Alas, we don;t live in a Disney world, and teen suicide, gay or staright is a very large problem- time for church folks to realize the harm toxic preachers and churches do to those who don’t fit the mold rather than bury our collective heads in the sand.
– David Roberts
Yes, David, it does. King George V has been quoted as saying “I thought men like that shot themselves.” He didn’t mean because others made their lives so intolerable, but because being like that was unbearable in itself: he thought that you just couldn’t live with yourself if you were “like that”. Thank God that so many of us have proved him wrong.
Prayers for Bobby is not about how awful it is to be gay; it’s about how awful it is to treat a gay person like that.
I don’t find every form of entertainment that casts gay characters as devestating at all.
There are many movies/tv shows that have gay characters that are not devestating, with short lives… Will and Grace, Object of my Affection, The L Word, My Best Friends Wedding, Rupert Evert and Madonna movie… etc.
I think it is important to have both cases presented. It is getting to the point where.. we have both.
It is important that we still face the fact that HIV/AIDS, violence, bigotry and hate are still issues amoung homosexuals, but it is also important to present that Gay people can be the funniest and most energetic people we know. I think the entertainment industry is getting there.
The movie adaptation of Prayers For Bobby has been rumored for several years, so I’m glad it was finally made. I read the book several years ago and related to Mary Griffith’s conversion from Christian fundamentalism to more open-minded/thoughtful theology.
I watched the Lifetime movie Saturday night from my apartment. Coincidentally, I now live near one of the likely downtown Portland overpasses Bobby may have used to take his life. Before fencing was installed on the overpasses in the late ’90s, I know it was not uncommon to see troubled-looking youth lingering a little too long on the overpass near the all-ages gay club — including a friend who talked someone off the bridge. Of course gay youth still struggle today, but I’m glad I haven’t heard of any new incidents here and that there is more openness and optimism about being gay.
What I found interesting the whole time that I was watching the movie was how much attention was being paid to whether this line or that line in the Bible did or did not condemn homosexuality, yet these folks were blind to their own violation of the most basic rule in the Bible: treat others as you would want to be treated.
The mother was so consumed with what her son should or should not be doing that she was blind to her own failings until quite a while after her son’s death.
I don’t have a TV. Is there any way of watching this online? Or am I going to have to wait till it comes out on video? Does anyone have any tips?
Thanks
My wife and I watched it together and were heartbroken. Yes it was wonderful that Mrs. Griffith finally saw the light. But we had the same reaction we did when we were acting as extras in “Milk”. Decades later and we’re going through the exact same ****. The lies they’re telling, the weapons they’re using, it’s all exactly the same. It’s as if we’ve barely progressed at all over all those years. And now we have all of those marriage bans and DOMA/DADT to overcome.
I hate to imagine we’ll be no better off 20-30 years from now…
Buffy, we will be better off. We’ve got an excellent shot at this as long as we (LGBT) people don’t let our cynicism get the best of us. We have an amazing time we are living in. The paradigm shift is happening right now with our new administration. I’m amazed everyday when I see things happening that give me immense hope. Prop 8 will be overturned this Spring by the California Supreme Court. There is too much legal precedence in our favor for it not to be overturned. Things are changing. We’ve just got to keep moving forward. I think our community (the gay community) has grown up a great deal ourselves. We do have a great many obstacles to overcome but we can do it. I know we can and we will.
Jayelle, as a writer and member of GLAAD, I am invited to participate in panels and discussions on the portrayals of gays and the transgendered in film and tv.
Lifetime has done several airings of “A Boy Named Gwen” as well as this latest MOT film.
The point is, this isn’t a factor in the distant past that isn’t still deeply affecting gay youth as we speak and putting them at risk.
A very good friend of mine, who is himself a well known gay actor, took a storyline in his
“Donald Strachey” novels turned films and had a back story of a teen and utilizedthe film to also plug the Trevor Project.
I’ve read the novels these films are based on and they ARE a positive portrayal of not only a gay PI, but he’s in a charming and LT relationship too.
Also true of Noah’s Arc that portrays gay men of color.
The positive is out there, but the tragic consequences of ex gay programs and the exploitation of fear and ignorance in parents is moreso.
And Lifetime is a mainstream cable network willing to do it.
It was very difficult for me to even watch the preview. I went through the kind of religious insanity he went through. I went through ‘reparative’ therapy on top of the religious idiocy. After all these years those experiences are painful.
I love that such an accomplished actress as Sigourny Weaver plays the mom as she reminds me so much of my mom. I read this book years ago and it was very helpful at the time, I’m so grateful it’s been made into a movie.
The sad thing is I doubt my mom would watch it even today.
I felt that one OTHER incident that was shown in this movie also contributed to Bobby’s suicide, it had to do with Bobby seeing his “boyfriend” out with another guy when he needed him most to talk to. This scene was not explained. I don’t know how much his parents feel that incident was to blame either but it was IN THE MOVIE. Many young people think their first love is the love of their life and if that goes wrong, then they feel their life is over. I’ve felt that way before, so I know the feelings it can bring up in a person. I’m sure with Bobby BOTH were contributing factors, I just wish the movie had explained that incident better. Maybe it was his imagination, I don’t know because the movie didn’t say, maybe the book goes into more detail about that incident???